Rulers

It's no secret that I've been miserable for a very prolonged time.

I try, very, VERY hard to find a reason to smile every single day... to appear normal every single day.

There will be days where I'll find myself laughing until tears stream down my face... and I'll have days when getting out of bed will be a struggle.

While I can be miserable and contemplating death for days on end, I will be working my hardest to keep my friends and family from feeling the same way.

I will always try to make them smile.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing my loved ones smile.

***

This problem has been killing me since Saturday.

Remember the friend/cousin whose husband died Saturday morning? Well, the guy was also my distant cousin.

I visited his widow after church that same day. I stayed at her house for two hours.

I wanted to let her know, as well as the rest of her family, that I was with them in such a difficult time.

I left because I had promised MGH I was going to be home... and because the sorrow in that house was killing me.

He left behind three kids. A 13 year old, a four year old, and a two year old.

The 13 year old was trying his best to put on a brave face... even cracking a few jokes... but all you had to do was stare at his swollen red eyes to tell that he had been crying for hours.

The four year old was missing. She had been taken to her cousin's house, to keep her from witnessing the depressing scene that would be her home.

The two year old... that one... he was breaking my heart. He would walk around the living room, clearly confused and somewhat horrified over all the strangers in the house. Once he'd forget about the strangers, he'd continue with his search. He was looking for his dad... since he was the one responsible for giving him his nightly bath, giving him his nite-nite bottle, and putting him to bed. Each time I'd see the little boy rub at his eyes... a new crack would form in my heart.

I left the house and continued with my day by doing the whole Strip thing with MGH and J.

OF COURSE this later came to bite me in the ass:
Yesterday I had an altercation with the mourning family... why? Because I went out Saturday night with the boys... you know, right after having dropped by the mourner's house.

Look, there's NO DOUBT my heart is broken for you guys. The fact that a 40 year old man died in his sleep... was discovered by his horrified wife... and left behind three young children, is devastating.
HOWEVER, people die. EVERY DAY. We've all had to deal with it.
To think I should hold mourning... by not going out... or dressing in solid black all day... or not listen to music... is fucking selfish and delusional.
Did I ever expect that out of you, when each and every one of my grandparents died on me?
No.
Never.
Did I criticize you because you continued with your fucking life after hearing some family member of mine passed away?
No. Never.
You're not the first person to lose a loved one, and you're definitely not going to be the last.
The ruler with which you measure others will be the same one with which YOU will be measured. Remember THAT.

I don't understand why people are so fucking hell-bent in having others be miserable.
Honest to God, I feel terrible for the family. I can't get the tragedy out of my head.
I DID show empathy by visiting the family the day of the tragedy... that's FAR MORE than they ever did for me. I was one hundred percent sincere in my sentiment of sorrow for the family... I don't understand how that shit can be misconstrued into me being a morbid hypocrite.

Needless to say, I'm very frazzled... downright pissed off, because of the mourners' outrage and shit-talk.
You'd think they'd be more concerned with how these poor kids are going to deal with the death of their father, instead of being obsessed with what the fuck I do on my weekends (AS IF I DO anything in the first place. I go out once in a blue moon).

I just can't win... ever.