The ALMOST-excommunication of AnoMALIE

Goodness, it had been a while I didn't hang out with my Dad's side of the family.
Yesterday I realized why:
No other large group of people ignores me so well.

Shit… not even when I'm at a concert do I get ignored by masses of people like I do when I make the huge mistake of attending a Dos Santos* family gathering.

Maybe the fact that I was already upset by the time I reached the party had a lot to do with it.
This is why:

I thought that maybe after getting church over with by going to Saturday evening's mass, I'd be able to enjoy my cousin's twentieth birthday party a lot better... instead of having to leave early because I'd have to get up early Sunday morning for church.

I asked Dad to give me a lift to church, and told him that if he did that, I'd let him take my car to the party as a thank you.
Dad's more anal about being on time to things than I am, so he dropped me off at church at 6:20 PM.
Mass begins at 7 PM.

I had 40 minutes to kill… so I went inside the church, took a seat, and began to check my e-mail on my phone.
There were maybe, at most, fifteen other people in the building (the lights weren't even turned on in there!)… when this jackass (who I could tell was part of the orderlies because of the stupid little blue suit and tie he was wearing) approached me from behind.
I moved my legs to the right, since I was sitting at the left-most part of the bench and I thought he was trying to come in through my side to take a seat.
Next thing I know, the bitch gets in my face and says:

You can't talk in here.
Me: I'm talking? (I always knew I secretly suffered from Tourette's Syndrome!)
Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: No cell phone use is allowed in here.
(points at my phone while looking me menacingly, dead in the eye)
Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: Turn. That. Off.
(begins to walk away)
Me: But mass hasn't even started yet!

The idiot leaves out the front doors like he owns the place.

The bastard was probably five foot three (and he was wearing so much cologne that I even "ate" some when I spoke to him. Fucking gross)… yet here he was getting in my face while I sat quietly on the church's shoddy bench reading my e-mail… trying to kill 40 freaking minutes before mass. I was being silent the entire time… the bench made more noise than I did… yet this motherfucker had the balls to give me shit (no wonder people are leaving St. Anne in hoards... they have pricks like this motherfucker getting in your face as you sit quietly on a bench checking some e-mail).

So what did I do?
I switched over to the games on my phone and began playing Bounce Out (but I still kept my phone on silent).

Fuck you, asshole, if you think you're going to boss me around and chastise me like I'm some fucking little child. Bitch, I have more seniority in this parish than your dumb ass does. Fuck you, you little trick. This is what I think about you bossing me around, motherfucker.

It was 6:30 when the asshole comes again, and this time he raises his voice at me.

Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: I told you to turn that off!
Me: (Biiiiiiiiiiiiitch! What the fuck is your problem?!) Am I bothering anyone?
(I look around and see the four people sitting in other benches far, far away from me)
Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: You can't talk to people while you're in here.
Me: I'm talking to people?? Has mass started?
Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: What?
Me: Has mass even started?
Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: No, but this is the house of the lord! You need to respect it!
Me: (moron, is this how you treat girls? Maybe that's why you're fucking 40 and still single, you fucking plug of a man) I know that… I'm a catechism teacher. I'm not disrespecting anything!
Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: Turn. That. Off.
(He reaches for my phone)
Me: ( Oh helllllllllllllll no, bitch! Touch my phone and I'll rip your balls off right here, right now!) Am I making any noise? Am I interfering with anyone's meditation? AM I MAKING ANY NOISE?!
Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: What are you doing???
(He starts covering the screen on my phone)
Me: Passing the time! It's 6:30, I'm alone, and this place is empty! It's still dark in here for crying out loud!
Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: If you think it's so necessary to do that, take it outside!
(He grabs my elbow and pulls. I pull back my elbow as hard as possible--boy, did I thank Body Pump for this-- and I glare at him while holding back the urge to spit in his face like a camel. People are now staring at us... some still kneeling with rosaries in their hand, but none come to my aid)
Me: (Are you kicking me out?! Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck. You!) No! It's cold outside, and I want to sit Right. Here.
Jackassmidgetmotherfucker: Turn. That. Off!!
(He sort of smirks... which kind of irks me... Why do you smirk in the middle of an argument when a chick almost twice your size is ready to wring your neck?)
Me: I’LL DO THAT WHEN I WANT TO!
(I glare until he looks away. I then go back to playing the game on my phone)

At this point, my eyes are watery and my voice is shaking because I'm so livid (come on now, I'm not that much of a badass. I do get pretty upset when I argue with people. I'm a Pisces, I cry!).
He once again makes a grab for my phone, I pull it away, glare at him again (did this guy just want to make eye contact with me?), and scream "Later!"

I was throwing a bona fide tantrum... but I was also kind of fearing for my safety.
It worked for me though, because the asshole walked away… smiling.

The whole time I was wondering if the shit was a joke… or if he though this was a great way to pick up chicks… because he made this attack on me as I sat alone on my bench with the nearest person to me being three benches away!
No way would he have done this to me had I been sitting with at least one other person near me.
Anyway… this little exchange had me furious throughout mass. Various times I found myself biting my bottom lip because it'd quiver each time I thought about this asshole screaming at me (but also I'd get all sentimental thinking about how the other jerks in church didn't do shit when they saw this jackass trying to boss me around. One lady in particular made me sad, because she knows me, yet she sat there and just watched as this bitch screamed at me).

I hate getting scolded, and especially when it's unwarranted.
I'm twenty-two freaking years old. 22!! Why are people still screaming at me like I'm 3? What gives anyone the right to scream at another person as if they're the damn rulers of the universe?

So this had me angry for the rest of the day.
I told Mom the story. She said:

You and your sister have a vocabulary... it sends chills down people's spine, it's so scary! You just look like a trouble maker…

And here I thought I always looked like a scared idiot.

I ask myself:
Why did he pick on me?
Was it my hotpink, kick ass, nailpolish?
Was it my low-cut shirt (don't stare, the Virgin of Guadalupe will not be too happy)?
Was it my magnificent pair of earrings?
Yes... had to be the earrings.

Anyway, I'll just end this by saying the bastard better watch his back next time he sees me... boy, does he have a nasty lecture/punch to the face pending.



*Obviously not my real last name.