Jo-o-se, Can You See?

More proof I was born an idiot:

-As a kid, I cried whenever I heard/sang The Star Spangled Banner.

Dear God! I had totally forgotten about that until someone reminded me of it today.
I find this little factoid more embarrassing than the one about me peeing my pants back in first grade (come on... I was 6, shy, and polite... I didn't want to interrupt Reading Time, so I just held it in... until... I had the ugly accident in my shiny purple spandex).

Anyway, I might as well explain why I cried with the national anthem.
You see, I had a very young and impressionable mind... and each time I saw people singing along to the damn song (usually sporting events, because Mom was a huge sport's fan and would make us watch baseball, basketball, soccer, boxing, and the Olympic games since I can even remember) they would be crying.
Then, when I was old enough to use a dictionary (3rd grade) I looked up the words to the anthem.

Oh my God... no wonder people cry! This song's sad!!

So that explains why I'd cry each time I'd hear the song.

Now... the reason I'd cry when I'd sing the song is... stupid.
Back when I was too young to realize my voice was built more for doing shit like... herding cattle... I went through a phase where I really, very badly wanted to be a singer.
So I'd sing.
And sing.
And sing.
To the point where I'd have my parents annoyed and taking turns being in enclosed areas with me.
Dad once went as far as telling me (when I was about 5):

"Hey, AnoMALIE... who sings this song?"
"Los Bukis!!"
"Let's keep it that way!"

(I still remember the damn song and everything! "Tu Carcel," I was sitting in my parent's jeep, as we were on our way to Mooney's birthday party. I have to laugh each time I hear the song... just remembering the face I must have made when my dad clowned on me in front of my family)

Anyway, when I was in that phase, I had it in my head that somehow I'd become a singer (Jesus, I feel embarrassed admitting all this to the point where I'm getting a little light-headed), so I had to practice.
So I'd practice...
I'd get all dramatic when I sang a sad or angry song... I'd get bouncy/happy/annoying as fuck when it was a dance song (and let's not get into the shit I did when I fell in love with gangsta' rap back in 4th grade).

I thought singers made it big once they sang in the Super Bowl... or World Series... so I'd practice my National Anthem. That way, whenever I made it big, I'd impress everyone in the crowd and have them all crying once I finished... fists in the air, couple of ass-smacks, and all that good stuff.

Well... I did that shit for years ("practice," that is). From around first grade, when I was first introduced to the concept of having to say it first thing in the morning (I'd get watery eyed even when I had to "speak" it in class... I'd have to look down to keep from crying in front of my peers-- lame ass attempt, considering I did way more embarrassing shit that year), up until third grade.
Why did I stop "practicing" in third grade?
Because a neighbor caught me.

God, the humiliation.

How do you play off a red, runny nose, tears streaming down the face, rake in hand as you belt out "That our flaaaaaaaaag waaas stillll theeeeeerrrrrrreeeee!!!" (damn me and my damn dramatics!!)?
You can't, damn it, you can't!
I'm a cool cat (as in: calm, relaxed) and everything (or so I like to believe), but something like that you can't live down.

The neighbor smiled at me (I'm sure he was ready to pop, laughing hysterically), as I smiled back, and bolted for my front door.

Obviously the bastard told everyone he knew... the running joke became people asking me to sing when things went quiet during any conversation, and Mom made me join the church choir... a place I was stuck up until 5th grade.


Ask me to sing now, motherfuckers... ask me to sing now...
(And no! I don't cry with the Star Spangled Banner anymore... yes... I get choked up... but fuck you if you think I'll shed a tear!)