I fucking mean THICK!

This isn't me...

I've been saying it for almost two years now (JESUS CHRIST!), but the person I am today is definitely not the real me.
I'm so full of anger, and frustration... and so incredibly heartbroken and jaded... and cynical... I'm not the girl I've always been.
I am a nice girl. I love laughing. I smile for the STUPIDEST shit. I feel horrible whenever I hurt someone, whether it is physically or emotionally, I feel like absolute garbage knowing I make someone feel a tiny bit bad. I daydream A LOT. I hug A LOT. I'm very tactile with others... holding hands has always been something I dig. I'm silly... and REALLY playful. I LOVE to skip.... fuck, I love to skip. I say I hate getting tickled, but the moment someone starts a tickle-war, I set out to win that shit-- I WILL find your ticklish spot. If it is in my power to make someone smile, I. Will. Do. It.
That's the real me... not this gloomy, silent, angry, violent, weepy mess of a girl.

Not too long ago, it was always so much easier for me to bounce back and laugh... and be chirpy...
My "lows" were... nowhere near as low as they are now.
I'm a despicable, ugly human now.

Well... do something to be the old AnoMALIE. I'm sure it's not too late. You've always been a sweet funny girl, I'm sure you can still find her in there somewhere. Remember, you say you're a pessimist, but you've ALWAYS been a secret optimist. It's why you're such a cheerleader for everyone else. 

So I though... what CAN I do to be my old self again?
Frankly, I couldn't even remember WHAT I was like as a fucking teenager.
So I went back to 2004. I read my journal entries of 2004.
The semester I:
FINALLY got my driver's license! (August 27th)
Found my true love-- writing.
Formed The Three Musketeers.
Suffered through Organic Chemistry.
Met Nativeminnow and his world of infinite biology wisdom.
Met Darcy.

I smiled the entire two-hour ride down 2004 Memory Lane.
My favorite entires? Well, since you asked... here are my top three of '04, completely unedited. Please, like... I apologize for... everything. They're embarrassing, but fuck it!

1. (Something tells me I already posted this one before, but I can't help it. This shit makes me laugh every time. This was my first day of class back in August 31th of '04... a Tuesday I think. I was an overwhelmed 19 year-old)

i'm completely exhausted right now. i just want to throw myself on the bed and pass out. i mean... this is a fucking greuling day! fucking 5 classes nonstop... with 15 passing periods... where i'm expected to make it to class on time. that's a bunch of bullshit. 

all of my teachers seem to be fans of "being on class on time." that would be easy if unlv were the size of a damn high school. 

my CRJ class is alright. the teach seems cool... although he's cross-eyed and i don't know what eye to look at. 

the english teacher scared me. he said something about being the... head of the english department last year? i think? and he scared me the most. he looks like the type who will enjoy failing a student. 

my bio teacher is boring. he gets a bit too excited when talking about darwin. he wants us to be fans like he is. 

my philosophy class is just... weird. i don't like it for shit. the class is too packed... i sit in the front facing the students... and the teacher's a monotone. it's right across the writing center... and for some reason that gets my stomach turning. it sort of scares me. 

my chemistry lab is fucked up. the two lab T.A.'s have THICK accents. and i fucking mean THICK! on guy came straight from china, the other lady is pakistani... and she loves chewing bubblegum like my mom does: like a cow chewing curd. 

my make up is all smeared... my hair is all frizzy... and my face is greasey. i look like hell man. i look like a bum. 

oh, and let's not forget how much fucking reading i have to do over the week: 3 biology chapters, one chemistry chapter with 10 homework questions, 13 pages off my philosophy class, and 30 pages for english. 

this semester is going to be hell. 

fucking hell

2. (Rough Tuesday in October '04, where everything was going wrong. Typical 19-year-old AnoMALIE-meltdown)

i hate the fact that i need to go to school and bust my brain. i hate sitting there working on mechanisms... memorizing... memorizing all this bullshit! diplomonadida, parabasala, alveolata, euglenozoa, stramenopila, rhodophyta, chlorophyta, mycetozoa... what good does knowing all these phylas do me? why am i filling my mind with names like these? 

what's the genus of this structure? it's a giardia, phylum diplomonadida, they also have no mitochondria... trichomonas are the genus... parabasala it's phylum/clade. They're all protists. 

euglenas are mixtotrophic and they're flagellates. 

porphyra is another name for sea weed. why call it porphyra if it's a fucking SEA WEED? they're in the rhodophyta clade/phyla. and the mycetozoas... well, they're coenocytic... and they're phagocytic... and.. a genus is a slime mold! slime mold... now that aint too bad 

bilogy will be the death of me. 

no wonder most doctors go bald. 

today i licked my right index finger during chem lab. i think i accidentaly ate some of the crystals i was supposed to be forming. i think it may be interferring with my thinking process. i think it led to my melt down... and i think it's giving me a tummy/head ache.

3. (And now for my last trick-- because I know it gets annoying to read all this-- my ABSOLUTE favorite! My first day DRIVING TO SCHOOL. This dates September 2nd, 2004)

i wish you didn't have to drive to school. it's a piece of shit.
sure... it's fun to blast your favorite music (i personally sang my little heart out to "y ahora quien" by marc anthony)... but there are many other downsides to it.
it's hot as fuck outside... and there are just so many people... it took me 45 minutes to get home... when it usually takes me no more than 15 minutes.

it's not as cool as i thought it'd be to drive. it's actually sort of... boring. i mean... here you are in this car... a vehicle in which you cannot only kill others, but yourself too... and people seem to forget about common sense.

fuck man. i'm just grouchy. hopefully i get better after i finish my o-chem homework (o-chem homework! imagine that!)

***

Ah... good laugh.
THAT'S AnoMALIE.
I wish my rants sounded more like that nowadays. Man.
I'll try to be her again... with better spelling and grammar.