Sunday, August 5, 2012

Too Much

There is no way in hell anyone can convince me I don't have some sort of invisible sign that invites all fucking guys to drunk dial/text me.
It used to be funny... it used to entertain me... but now it just feels like someone is holding me under water, refusing to let me resurface to catch my breath, regardless of how desperately I thrash about.

What kills me most is that the conversations start off funny... and then somehow, they make a turn for the worst... and I end up on the receiving end of a chastising-- one I never escape without being called anything nicer than "idiot."
From MGH, to his brother... to Los and a few others, I have not escaped the frustrated, drunken wrath of my dude friends.
"(I) Never can pinpoint why I go from Cassanova to Bane from "Batman" on chicks"
When I asked why guys do that, that right there was probably the best response.

This last batch of drunk texting probably hurt the most, however... because as much as I hate to admit it, he was right... for the most part... just not on the phrases I'm about to quote.

Girls, when they try to console one another, tend to go the "He's an idiot/douchebag" route. In other words, they help you point out the dude's fault.
Guys... they make you see YOUR faults.
"Like most women, you want too much."
Do I? Do I really?
In my life, in my meaningless, twenty-seven years of life, not ONCE... ONCE have I had the guy I'VE liked like me back. NOT. ONCE.
Not ONE MEASLY TIME. I have no clue what that feels like. No. Clue.
It's not like I sit back and wait for my "knight in shining armor" to appear from thin air... some mythical, perfect man to descend from the skies to offer me the love story of a lifetime.
No. I've met guys who have made me FEEL the fucking way I want to FEEL-- who are not perfect, just perfect for me-- and though I manage to spend time with them, befriend them, laugh with them, sleep on them, they have ALWAYS refused to "give me a chance."
They've stiff-armed the FUCK out of my face and shoved me into the friendzone, with no fucking remorse, all because I don't fit some part of a fucking mold.
I make them laugh, I entertain them, I chill with them... I do everything for them... and still, somehow, for whatever reason, I fall short. I'm never the girl they want to.... they don't even want to kiss my goddamn cheek. I have sat back and watched the guy I'm crazy about hook up with "DUFF"s in front of me NUMEROUS times... and it leaves me baffled AS FUCK, each time.

Why THE FUCK am I getting reprimanded for doing the same to guys? Why am I expected to be willing to "settle" and give up on being with a guy that makes me... lightheaded with the mere mention of his name... a dude who makes my heart pound so violently that I fear it'll jump out of my mouth? Why am I not deserving of getting what I want?
Because I'm a girl and it's expected? Because we've been doing it for centuries? We just sell ourselves to the highest bidder, neatly fold our hands, and live the rest of our lives with a guy who will never give us butterflies in our tummy or inadvertent sighs when we think of his smile.
If I don't get what I want, then I don't get SHIT.
Every guy I've "been with" has been a guy I've "tried" learning to LIKE so that I can get someone else out of my mind and out of my heart. It has NEVER worked. I can't begin to describe how empty and lonely... and guilty this shit makes me feel. It rips me apart. It tears me down.
I'd rather be alone and miserable than coupled-up, miserable, and making a second person miserable... because I CAN'T FAKE IT. I can't feign liking someone else.
When I like someone, I put myself at his feet and I no longer belong to myself.
That's the way I am, it's my natural disposition. It's my nature. It's not because I think it's what he wants... it's because it's something I want.
Here I am, do as you please. I am yours and only yours.
That's my style.

Wanting a guy who makes me laugh, inspires me to be a better ME, gives me butterflies when he smiles, and makes my heart race when he speaks to me, is asking too much? For real? Even if I've found a few who fulfill these requirements... the only flaw being that they refuse to like me back?
They don't have to make bank, they don't have to send me flowers or buy me gifts, they don't even have to remember my fucking birthday (though when they do, it makes me smile). They don't have to look like Ryan Gosling, they don't have to be chiseled like a Roman god, they don't have to be a certain faith, they don't have to live in a certain area or be a certain ethnicity.
I just have to admire him, laugh, and feel like I'm on the moon when I'm in his presence.
That. Is. All.
But still, it's denied to me... criticized for not settling for anything else.

I'm sick of men getting what they want. Twenty years ago, a man getting what he wanted ruined me... violently thrust me into the harsh realities of life... quickly stole any sense of normalcy.
I'll be motherfucking DAMNED if I EVER allow another man I don't feel SHIT for to put his fucking hands on me. I won't try to force myself to be OK with it, or numb myself so I can endure the encounter, either.
I can still feel his grip on my thighs... the weight of his hands as he petted my hair... every stroke of his tongue in my mouth... and how frozen... shocked I was, completely unable to move ANYTHING on my body... even unable to BLINK. 
I still feel as if I'm jammed in a hot box... desperately wanting to scream and cry... but unable to do SHIT... just sit there and feel his hands like hot coals on my body. 
I can still remember him repeatedly saying "You are so pretty. You're going to be so pretty when you grow up," as I sat there completely unresponsive and terrified.
To have to do that for the rest of my fucking life, all for the sake of "companionship" and not living alone? FUCK. THAT. I've always been alone. I'm not scared of doing it for the rest of my life... I'm prepared.

The thought of ever allowing anyone I don't feel physical attraction for to put a hand on me makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me freak out. It pisses me off.
THAT'S why I don't settle. That's why I'll never settle. That's why I'll never try to learn to love someone. If I don't feel it, don't try to convince me I'll eventually feel it... because I won't... because I'll only think of that stupid fucking night twenty years ago where I had to force myself to go numb, allow that man to do what he wanted, and convince myself I would be ok... all in hopes that he'd let me out of that truck, so I could carry on with my life as a seven year old.

Is that me wanting too much? The whole me wanting only guys I'm physically attracted to to be the only ones to touch me... is that me wanting too much?
Sorry, I was told there are girls out there who actually like the guys that touch them... and often times they even enjoy it. My bad for believing it and becoming so demanding.
"You're waiting for a train that is never going to pass. Just remember that you gotta go somewhere."
Nah, son, I'm sitting at the side of the tracks, cried-out after realizing my tears are not going to bring back the train that ALREADY passed me by.
For me, all other routes lead to the same destination: Everywhere BUT home.
I have no interest to move from my spot. I'll just quietly watch everyone else make their train.

... aaaaand this is how drunk-texting goes terribly awry.

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