Y a esta edad...

*Real Life Alert. Travel stories next time*

Growing up wasn't, and still IS NOT, easy.

As is the case for many people, music has always been my escape when things get a little too difficult.
I'll quickly give people my list of top songs... but usually leave one song out, because it is too revealing of my feelings... of my life... of how the cards have fallen for me.
It embarrasses me, to be quite frank.
I see the person's expression change the moment I drop the song title-- their look of curiosity turn to that of... pity-- and I quickly change the subject.

I first listened to this song as a kid, and cried my eyes out... to think someone could ever feel like this.
Years passed before I heard the song again, this time I was in High School... seventeen years old... and I cried even worse... because now I identified with the lyrics.

A mis dieciséis, anhelaba tanto un amor que no llego.
Siempre lo espere-- todos mis amigos se encontraban en la misma situación.
Y después yo vi como iban cambiando su manera de vivir...
Todos con sú amor; cada uno de ellos muy sonrientes, muy felices-- menos yo.
Y la soledad cada vez mas triste, mas obscura, yo vivi.
Y a esa edad, todos preguntaban los motivos, yo solía siempre decir:
Yo no nací para amar. Nadie nació para mi. Tan solo fui un loco soñador nomas.
Yo no nací para amar. Nadie nació para mi. Mis sueños nunca se volvieron realidad.

As the years have transpired, I have become even more identified by the song... to perfection (well, technically, this was about his feelings as a homosexual man in a Macho society. I am a quiet, shy, ex-obese girl with incredibly shitty luck in a very shallow world. It's surprising how fucking similar that can get).

Siempre lo busque, pero nunca pude encontrar ese amor...
Siempre lo espere, y en todas partes que esperaba, ese amor nunca llego.
Hoy mi soledad, cada vez mas triste y obscura pueden ver.
Hoy, en esta edad, aun me preguntan mis amigos, y es muy triste responder...

And something in my heart tells me it will hold true forever.

Yo no nací para amar. Nadie nació para mi. Tan solo fui un loco soñador nomas.
Yo no nací para amar. Nadie nació para mi. 
Mis sueños no se realizaron... yo no nací para amar.

Juan Gabriel wrote a song for every occasion.
I have so many songs as favorites that belong to this man. The way he manipulated the Spanish language was gorgeous... and hit so many emotional buttons on what I thought was a dead heart. He sang my hurt-- La Muerte del Palomo, La Diferencia, Asi Fue, Hasta Que Te Conoci, Te Sigo Amando, Amor Eterno (the goddamned BEAUTY of this horrifyingly heartbreaking song is unparalleled), De Mi Enamorate, Te Lo Pido Porfavor... TO NAME A FEW, have always been my go tos when I feel broken and I freely disclose those to others.
But there is that ONE song... that ONE song I keep to myself... THE song that speaks to me on a level that no other does.
Yo No Nací Para Amar... that one, that one is for my eyes only.

At sixteen, I yearned so much for a love that never came...
I always waited for it-- all of my friends were in the same situation.
Then I watched as they changed their way of life...
All of them with their loves; all of them so smiley, so happy-- all but me.
And the loneliness-- each time sadder, darker-- I experienced.
And at that age, everyone asked the reasons, I tended to always respond:
I was not born to love. Nobody was born for me. I was always just a crazy dreamer.
I was not born to love. Nobody was born for me. My dreams never came true.

I always looked for it, but I could never find that love...
I always waited for it, and every place I waited, that love never came.
Today my loneliness, each time sadder and darker, you can see.
Today, at this age, my friends still ask me, and it's so sad to respond...
I was not born to love. Nobody was born for me. I was always just a crazy dreamer.
I was not born to love. Nobody was born for me.
My dreams never came true... I wasn't born to love.

The voice that harmoniously expressed what I so often feel, is silent forever.
Thank you for making me feel a little less lonely during my shittiest of moments.

Oh, right, THAT'S why

Hearing a song playing in the background while having lunch and immediately recognizing the tune.
Oh damn... I hadn't heard that song in a while.
You take note to add it to your Spotify playlist when you get home.
This song is so fucking good... I can't believe I never added it to my playlists! It used to be the one song I listened to on repeat for years.

You get home, do you thing for a few hours, then remember about that one song at the restaurant.
You search for the song, add it to the playlists in which you feel it belongs.
You press play to refresh your memory.

And you fucking cry... a REALLY GOOD, MUCH NEEDED, SINCERE cry the moment the first four words are sung.
Chicken skin. Trembling legs and arms.
You immediately remember why it was never placed in your music library since that one infamous, disastrous Laptop Crash of October 2013 deleted all of your personal collection.
This song fucking murders me. I can't function like this!

Some songs only pick up more meaning the older you get.

Quedaté un momento así, no mires hacia mi,
Que no podré aguantar sí clavas tu mirada, que me hiela el cuerpo-- me ha pasado antes, que no puedo hablar.
Tal vez pienses que estoy loco, y es verdad un poco, tengo que aceptar. Pero si no te explico lo que siento dentro, no vas a entender cuando me veas llorar.
Nunca me sentí tan solo como cuando ayer de pronto lo entendí mientras callaba.
La vida me dijo a gritos que nunca te tuve, y nunca te perdi,
y mé explícaba que el amor es una cosa que se da de pronto, en forma natural-- lleno de fuego.
Si lo forzas, se marchita. Sin tener princípio, llega su final.
Ahora tal vez lo puedas entender, que si me tocas, se quema mi piel. Ahora tal vez lo puedas entender, y no te vuelvas si no quieres ver:
Que lloro por ti.
Que lloro sin ti.
Que ya lo entendí, que no eres para mi,
Y lloro.

Spanish, you're so hauntingly beautiful.

White kitten

Pienso en tu carita todos los días... todos los días.
... en-- apesar de tanto pedirle a mi mente que lo ignorara-- lo bonito que se sentia tu abrazo... la manera en la cual tus dedos de la mano derecha me apretaban... así suave pero firme... de la cintura.

Pienso todos los días... no importa si sobria o borracha... 

Si tu amigo pudo notar mi desdicha con solo una mirada... cómo no pudiste ver mi... infinita admiración?

A nadie miro como te miro a ti... a nadie le sonrío como te sonrío a ti. Por nadie siento como siento por ti.

Y me regalaste... me echaste a la suerte... me tiraste como carnada.
Que manera de destruirle el alma a una chava.
Y apesar de lo sucedido... este cerebro no deja de pensar en ti. Este corazón solo te desea lo mejor que tiene de ofrecer la vida. 
"Que lastima que alguien elija ser un capitulo en tu vida, cuando tu le tenias reservado una historia."


That story my brother told me so long ago... the one about the time he and his friends grabbed that free kitten from that cardboard box... and proceeded to take turns playing that game of bullseye with it... how they'd just throw it in the air and take turns shooting.
White kitten... white defenseless kitten.
Just for shits and giggles.
... it's a horrible story that haunts my memory.

Boys taking turns at destroying a creature that only needed to be nurtured...
I'm an idiot for not learning the lesson of that story sooner.

Perfidy

Nadie comprende lo que sufro yo. 
Canto, pues ya no puedo sollozar.
Solo temblando de ansiedad estoy.
Todos me miran y se van.

Mujer, si puedes tú con dios hablar, pregúntale si yo alguna vez te he dejado de adorar;
Y al mar-- espejo de mi corazón-- las veces que me ha visto llorar la perfidia de tú amor...

Te he buscado dondequiera que yo voy, y no te puedo hallar.
Para que quiero otros besos si tus labios no me quieren ya besar?
Y tú... quien sabe por dónde andarás.
Quien sabe que aventuras tendrás...
Qué lejos estás de mí...

"No one understands how much I suffer.
I sing, since I can no longer sob.
I only tremble from the anxiety.
Everyone looks at me and leaves.

Woman, if you can speak with God, ask him if at any time I've stopped loving you;
And to the sea-- the mirror of my heart-- the times it has seen me cry the perfidy of your love...

I've looked for you wherever I go, and I can't find you.
Why would I want other kisses if your lips no longer want to kiss me?
And you... who knows where you might be.
Who knows what adventure you might be having...
How far you are from me..."

In Spanish, this song is so freakin' gorgeous (it's quite famous, even used in "Casablanca" and, oddly enough, the show "Dexter")... translated, not so much.

Of course I identify with the song, of course I sing along.
Pregúntale si yo alguna vez te he dejado de adorar.
Since the moment I met you? No. Never.
Y al mar-- espejo de mi corazón-- las veces que me ha visto llorar la perfidia de tú amor...
Every time we reunite-- the ocean, the sea, any body of water, really.

I travel the world... I meet new people, often hoping to find someone who will outshine you, and it never happens. I never want anyone like I want... you. I don't admire anyone the way I admire you.
If it isn't you, I don't want the guy even touching me... I get defensive and do everything to repel him.
I do wonder where you might be and what you might be doing... having that constant reminder that whatever it might be, you are still so very far from me... too far.


Mexican song writers rock my world.

Dulzura

No,
porque tus errores me tienen cansado; 
porque en nuestras vidas ya todo ha pasado; 
porque no me has dado un poquito de ti. 
(No, 
Because your mistakes have worn me out;
Because everything in our lives has passed on by;
Because you haven't given me a single bit of you)
No, 
porque con tus besos no encuentro dulzura; 
porque tus reproches me dan amargura; 
porque no vivimos lo mismo de ayer.
(No,
Because I don't find any sweetness in your kisses;
because your reproaches only give me bitterness;
Because we don't live the same stuff of yesterday)
No, 
porque ya no extraño como antes tu ausencia; 
porque ya disfruto aún sin tu presencia; 
ya no queda esencia del amor de ayer. 
(No,
Because, unlike before, I no longer miss your absence,
Because now I enjoy thing even without your presence,
There is no longer an essence of yesterday's love)
No, 
aunque me juraras que mucho has cambiado; 
para mi lo nuestro ya está terminado; 
no me pidas nunca que vuelva jamás.
(No,
Even if you swore to me that you've changed a lot,
For me, our "thing" is over,
Don't ever ask me to ever return.)
No, 
porque ya no extraño como antes tu ausencia; 
porque ya disfruto aún sin tu presencia; 
ya no queda esencia del amor de ayer.
(No,

Because, unlike before, I no longer miss your absence,

Because now I enjoy thing even without your presence,

There is no longer an essence of yesterday's love)

No, 
aunque me juraras que mucho has cambiado; 
para mi lo nuestro ya está terminado; 
no me pidas nunca que vuelva...
que vuelva jamás.
(No,

Even if you swore to me that you've changed a lot,

For me, our "thing" is over,

Don't ever ask me to return...

to EVER return)

Just does not feel the same in English. But never mind that shit, I fucking LOVE how Alejandro stresses the word "ayer," aka "yesterday." Chills, baby, CHILLS!

I'm hitting the Spanish songs hella hard.
English classics are capable of reaching me, but... often times it's hit-or-miss with them.
Spanish lyrics just know how to deliver the KO punch.

Agustin Lara, Jose Alfredo Jimenez, even Juan Gabriel are a few example of composers who had/have extraordinary talent as far as eloquently expressing themselves is concerned.
Then you find people like Alejandro Fernandez, Vicente Fernandez, Michael Bublé, and even Andrea Bocelli covering the songs... and Jesus, is that some powerful stuff.

And just... spoken Spanish words versus English words. Spanish fluidity versus English flow.
Like:
Dejame vs. Let Me/allow me (the convenience of a single word, guys... it's not so... jolty)
Despojar vs. Despoil/strip (well that's just ugly. Spanish makes it sound so fucking sexy. "Dejame despojarte de todo lo demas..." vs "Let me despoil/strip you of everything..." Yeah, no bro, get away from me, creep!)
Estío/verano vs. Summer ("Summer" sounds so fucking pedestrian compared to "estío"... I mean, just SAY the two fucking words. Come on now. Whisper those words into someone's ear and get back to me on which one sends shivers down that person's spine. You're welcome)
Ausencia vs. Absence (One more syllable in Spanish... but it comes back to the sounds coming out of your trap. I choose Spanish)
Jamás vs. Never (Same case)
Adios amor vs. Goodbye, my love (fuck, enough syllables there, English? Bitch is around the fucking bend after the first two)
Desprecio vs. Contempt (as far as lyrics go, "desprecio" works a lot better, trust me on this)
Dulzura vs. Sweetness (sayyyyy it!)
Parranda vs. Night of harcore partying and drinking (where's the fucking English equivalent? Exactly.)

Now excuse me, I have more songs about drunk pigeons and magical aloe vera to listen to.

Invierno

Yo he visto en invierno volar avecillas, pidiéndole al cielo un rayo de luz. 
 La he visto más tarde cantar de alegría, cuando en el estío el sol alumbró. 

Terrible martirio es amar con locura sin estar convencido si me amas o no. 
He soñado mil veces que tu alma y la mía han ido formando un nido de amor. 
Yo he visto en tus ojos, querido amor mío, reflejarse un cariño que en mi alma nació. 
Pero duerme tranquila-- como duerme un niño que nunca en su pecho dolores sintió. 

Yo he visto a mi madre, a mi madre querida, llorar mi desgracia cual nadie lloró; 
Y un día, llorando me dijo, "Hijo mío, tan solo en la madre no es falso el amor."

I've seen that song with two different titles, I, however, only love one rendition of it: Invierno, sung by Alejandro Fernandez.
It is simple... but so full of truth and beauty.
And again, Spanish >>>>> English.

Music. Music helps so much.
Almost enough.

Twinkies, Spanish, and Cuteness

I'm not one who was too into Hostess foods... but I have always made that joke about the Twinkies outliving us all.

Apparently, due to my recent state, anything can upset me.

Kickboxing Trainer: AnoMALIE! Why the hell aren't you punching?!
Me:... Twinkies... no more Twinkies...

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I do stupid shit that gets me injured at the gym.

And since it's Friday, and I'm trying to be back at 100% tomorrow, I'll leave this here. Get it out of my stupid system.

EXACTLY.

And this too, as much as I hate to admit it.
I hate myself.

And just because I want to fawn a bit... and because I've really been missing Tyson these last two days:

I'm going to... steal you...
...but then I'll love you...
... and you'll die...
... and I'll once again be heartbroken...
Must... leave... puppy... in bowl...
I'm going to steal you!

My god... how can anyone not... smile with that?! God... how can anyone not gush over that? Puppies... so motherfucking cute!

Un verso mas

Me miras diferente, 
Me abrazas y no siento tu calor.
Te digo lo que siento, 
Me interrumpes y terminas la oración. 
Siempre tienes la razón. 
Tu libreto de siempre-- tan predecible-- ya, ya me lo se.
Así que corre, corre, corre corazón. 
De los dos tu siempre fuiste el mas veloz.
Toma todo lo que quieras pero vete ya, que mis lágrimas jamás te voy a dar. 
Así que corre como siempre, no mires atrás. Lo has hecho ya, y la verdad me da igual.
Ya viví esta escena, 
Y con mucha pena te digo no, conmigo no.
Di lo que podía, pero a media puerta se quedó mi corazón.
Tu.... libreto de siempre-- tan repetido-- ya no, no te queda bien.
Así que corre, corre, corre corazón.
De los dos tu siempre fuiste el más veloz.
Toma todo lo que quieras pero vete ya, que mis lágrimas jamás te voy a dar.
Así que corre como siempre, no mires atrás. Lo has hecho ya y la verdad me da igual.
Tu el perro de siempre los mismos trucos.
Ya, ya me lo se.
Así que corre, corre, corre corazón--
De los dos tu siempre fuiste el más veloz.
Toma todo lo que quieras pero vete ya, que mis lágrimas jamás te voy a dar.
Han sido tantas despedidas que en verdad dedicarte un verso mas está de más. 
Así que corre como siempre, que no iré detrás. 
Lo has hecho ya y la verdad me da igual.
Lo has hecho ya y la verdad me da igual.
Lo has hecho ya, pero al final me da igual. 

That song is so incredibly beautiful.
Freakin' song has been stuck in my head for months.
Something about songs in spanish seems to hit me harder. The language is gorgeous... something I wouldn't have admitted to at a younger age, but now I certainly do. Yeah, I find Portuguese to be romantic and fluid... but there is no mistake that spanish has... this remarkable depth. At least for me it does.
To prove my point, let's translate this pretty little thang into English... mainly translating the meaning, not word for word, because then it would be quite nonsensical, obviously:
You look at me differently,
You hug me and I don't feel your warmth.
I tell you what I feel,
You interrupt me, finishing the sentence.
You're always right.
Your usual script--so predictable-- I, I already know it.
So just run, run, run, baby.
Of the two, you were always the quickest (fastest).
Take everything you want, but leave already, though I will never give you my tears.
So just run, like always, and don't look back. You've done it before, and quite truthfully, I couldn't care less.
I've already experienced this scene,
But I'm sorry, I have to tell you no... this time you're not performing it with me.
I gave what I could, but halfway through the door my heart stayed behind.
Your... usual script-- so often repeated-- it no longer, it no longer suits you.
Therefore run, run, run, my love.
You were always the fastest of the two.
Take everything you want, but leave already, though I'll never give you my tears.

So just run, like always, and don't look back. You've done it before, and quite truthfully, I couldn't care less.

You: old dog, same tricks. I, I know it already.

Therefore run, run, run, my love.

You were always the quickest of the two.

Take everything you want, but leave already, though I'll never give you my tears.

We've said so many farewells that quite truthfully, dedicating another verse to you is overkill.

So just run like always, this time I won't go after you.

You've done it before, and quite truthfully, I couldn't care less.

You've done it before, and quite truthfully, I couldn't care less.

You've done it before, but in the end, I couldn't care less.

Yeah... in spanish that song blows my mind. Translated, it's... eh.
De cualquier modo, el sentido de la canción me llega.
"Dedicarte un verso mas está de más."
Oooorale...
Pero neta, ya me harte.

In other news: I really need to find a pond to toss rocks into. I'm feeling restless.
I'm getting in that bitchy mood again... I need to find some sort of escape before I once again start barking at people.
At the gym, ladies have gone out of their way to inform me I'm "tough." Every single time, I kid you not, the lady has been a foreigner... so I don't know if it's a good thing.
They've checked out my weights, approached me, said something along the lines of "You are one tough girl..." and then proceeded to stand in the opposite side of the room... as if I'm going to use my heaviest plate to break their head open (which, I mean... there are days when I do consider beating some stupid bitches with the bar, but it's not like I'd actually DO it... I'm a nice girl, remember? I just shoot daggers at them with my stare... though recently I have patted a few on the back as they creep into my personal bubble. Sure beats the time I kidney-punched the stupid cunt who wouldn't move the fuck out of my way in kickboxing... that felt good as hell, but I'm not sure I'd do it again).
Maybe I'm just turning into the Hulk and not notice it... ?
Ha. Right.
Which reminds me: I'm NOT the Hulk... but I am also NOT skinny.
At the wedding this past weekend, I heard the term "Skinny Bitch" and "Skinny Mini" so often in reference to me, I seriously had to ask the last chick to "just call me 'bitch'."
I don't know where they're getting the "skinny" from... since... NOTHING about me is skinny... well, besides my stupid ballerina wrists that could be snapped in half by an eight year old.
People are SO going to get the wrong impression of me...
I can already see it: PersonA tells PersonB "AnoMALIE's SO skinny!" then PersonB looks at me and notices EVERY spot I'm not skinny... which, like I said, is everywhere BUT my wrists.
Such a thing happened with Pacemaker over this same weekend. Girl would NOT stop staring at my stomach, particularly, the belt area of my pants.
She stared at my belly as if she were looking for an alien to pop out of it... that, or to find some sort of tummy-tuck scar.
I don't have washboard abs (I HIGHLY doubt that will ever happen, considering how fat I allowed myself to get. It's just physically impossible without surgery), but if I flex in a sportsbra, I do acquire this sweet-ass almost-three-pack at the very top of my ribcage... three-pack because I'm stupid and much stronger on my left side than right side. I'm lopsided. Of course. Since I can never be normal.
Anyway, apparently this is too suspicious, and Pacemaker spent the weekend unable to keep her eyes off my belly. Uncomfortable as shit.

So yeah, there you have it... my fucking rambling self going on boring tangents, as is customary.
I should start taking meds.

La Luz del dia

Este corazón que aún te quiere... ya está muriendo... tarde con tarde... como se muere la luz del día.
Ya no puedo más... tú me haces falta.
Vuelve conmigo, alma de mi alma, vidita mía. 

Adónde estás?
Adónde estás?
Mátame cielo, trágame tierra... quiero morirme si nó vuelve más. 

Ya podrás tener el mundo entero...
Y entre tus manos toda la dicha, y otro cariño mejor que el mío...
Pero ya verás que todo acaba...y al verte sólo, como hoy me siento... siempre hace frío.

Por mas que intento olvidar, no puedo.
Por mas que intento odiar, no puedo.
Extraño. Sufro. Añoro.

Solo pienso en esa maldita flor... como se marchita.

Estaba bien... muy bien.. cuando pensaba que le era indiferente. Que no pasaba de ser... otra mas en el mundo. Que no me hacia en el mundo.
Pero el momento que se me presento... cuando vi mi reflejo en sus ojos (maldito tostador)... se me alegro el corazón. Creí que... por fin ya no estaba sola... que había encontrado mi otra mitad... una versión igual que yo. Me admitió por tan solo un segundo en su mundo.
Luego sin explicación... sin una sola palabra, me empujo fuera... salió corriendo y desapareció. Me dejo sola... para que me marchitara sin su presencia.

Pocas cosas me han dolido tanto como esto.
Quisiera regresar el tiempo... que nada de esto hubiera pasado.
Nada.
Que no supiera de su existencia.

No era feliz creyendo ser una persona solitaria... pero tampoco era tan infeliz como lo soy ahora.

No se que hice...
No se que dije...
pero odio, cuanto odio, esto de no saber ni madres... de quedarme colgada.
Me mata.

Cigarettes and pyrotechnics

Last year was my first time in the States for 4th of July in three years. Before that, I hadn't been in the US for Independence Day since... 2000.
This is my second straight year being in town.
I still don't really know what to do on this day besides chill in my house with the AC on full blast, waiting for the sun to set so the fireworks display can entertain me.

The most entertaining 4th of July story that I've acquired is one from 1995, when I was in Mexico for the celebrations.
All of us Mexican-American kids would get together in the plaza and light fireworks.
Sounds normal... but remember, we're ghetto Mexican kids, so we'd use cigarettes to light the fireworks... since they last longer than matches.
There we were, 8-14 year olds, smoking cigarettes and lighting fireworks. Quite synonymous with barefooted hillbillies in Arkansas or whatever hick place, if you ask me. We are all ONE people, right?

After the "nice" fireworks would be done, we'd mess with the more dangerous shit and nearly maim one another... although I never did that. The worst I ever did was throw those "poppers" at people's feet... and that was only once or twice, because I don't do onto others what I don't want done onto myself. I'm scared SHITLESS of fireworks of any kind... I was probably a dog in a past life...
Well, I'm not scared of the pretty fireworks that PROFESSIONALS use... and by "professionals" I mean "Casinos."
I'm scared/irritated when a regular old Joe is holding combustible material in one hand, and a lighter in the other. Fuck that. Get away from me unless you want my foot to become acquainted with your gut/groin/ass/face. I don't play with that shit.
Yeah, I'm traumatized after all those years of the imbecile kids playing with fireworks and hurting each other with them. Even if I was never severely injured like others, the loud noise still agitates me.

So uh... yeah, there is my entry dedicated to our day of independence. The day I'm irritated from dealing with annoying pyromaniacs (as opposed to "cool" pyromaniacs?)... and hearing/seeing one too many people say the word "America" (HUGE pet peeve: referring to the USA as only "America." Get yo facts straight, folks, that's a continent [TWO, actually]. And you're damn right if you think you saw me cringe after you said it... that was me fighting the urge to slap you across the face so you could bite your tongue and never say "America" in that context ever again. End rant).

But don't get it twisted, I DO love the United States of America. I owe everything I am and everything I have to it.
Muchas, muchas gracias.
Happy birthday, US of A!

***

En un día como hoy, recuerdo a alguien en particular... el chavo (aunque no tiene NADA de "chavo" ese ruco) por quien hice esta pagina.
Siempre recordare que hace cuatro años acepte su invitación para salir por primera vez (después de andarme chingue y chingue con que saliéramos)... el pensando que iba a estar super buena o no se que cosa... y luego se decepcionó de mi.
Por MESES me escribía, me leia, y me coqueteaba... y luego como por arte de magia, dejo de hablarme. Todo esto después de verme.
Forzo un distanciamiento.
Ahora nos llevamos bien, pero siempre tendré ese... poco de rencor al recordar que fue tan... superficial. Me vio gorda y nada de "buenota" como se imaginaba... y fue mala onda y me ignoro.

Ese día fuimos al cine, vimos una película, y nos pusimos a platicar al lado de mi carro. Hablamos por un buen rato, y en medio de la platica, comenzaron con los cuetes, y el los veia. Yo solo los podía escuchar, pero ni con el señalar los pude ver.
Así me fue con el. Estuve deslumbrada por el ("escuchar los cuetes")... luego el me tiro a la chingada... y ya, varios años despues cuando todas las chavas lo ignoran, el es invisible para mi ("pero no puedo ver los cuetes").
El esta mas viejo... mas gordo. Y yo? Ja... pues... ya quisiera poder verme (pero sí es mi amigo... solo que siempre le guardare un poco de rencor por lo sucedido... pero solo cuando se trata de lo romántico, nunca de la amistad. Como amigo es increíble. Una persona única y admirable).

Viiiiindicitve? Me? Hmmmm.... maybe sometimes. 

Marcando la hora

Ultimo día del mes... y siento como que... el tiempo pasa demasiado rápido.
Pero NO cumple lo que promete.
NO me ayuda olvidar.

Soy momentáneamente feliz. Algunas veces los ratos son de días, otras... no más me dura el gusto unas cuantas horas.
Esto de no encontrarle sentido a la vida está... pesado. Me da un chingo de miedo por las noches... aunque ya también pienso en eso por las tardes. Y en los días que ando muy, MUY mal... los pensamientos me atacan por las mañanas.

"Reloj, no marques las horas, 
porque voy a enloquecer..."
Ja... tenia mucha razón ese señor.

Ya no tengo sueños (bueno, sí tengo los típicos de siempre donde soy niña estúpida que cree que vive en un cuento de hadas), ni esperanzas... ya ni me importa ver la tele.

No sé cuanto más me dure la farsa de niña feliz. Ya comienza a reflejarse en mi rostro, hasta cuando estoy sonriendo (fingido, obvio).

Por un Julio de... más sentido... y más sonrisas.

Al otro lado del mar

"That's so far away..."

A year ago, I was in a place many consider paradise, fighting with MGH, and crying on a balcony.
Blue. Blue. Blue.

Don't worry, MGH is a dumbass. He doesn't know what he's doing.

It's not... it's just... I had never noticed how... big the ocean really is.

Tanto azul... tanto, tanto azul. Mas allá de lo que pueden ver mis ojos. Mas allá.

I took a stroll with him at night. I sat in the white sand... and drew a letter... not an M.
He noticed.

What? I like the Jonas Brothers... didn't you know? Joe.

Gay.

Next night, I danced the night away... he went from girl to girl, I stayed in my circle of friends... he was drunk, I was sober. He was happy, I was sad.

What's wrong? Did I do something?

Nope. You did absolutely nothing.

Laying on the same bed, our heads resting against each other.

Woo! I leave to Kassel in a month! Beer and girls, beer and girls!

Really? That's all there is to do in Germany? Hope you have the time to do both.

No me digas eso... no me robes la esperanza.

Ilusa. 
No English word has the same feel. "Delusional" is too negative... "naive" not sufficiently poignant.
Ilusa... eso es lo que soy.

Una optimista con disfraz de pesimista.
Siempre soñando: Mañana sí... quizás mañana...
Y solita me chingo la vida.

(Don't worry, this type of post will be over next month... it's just that right now, it's all that is really occupying my mind. El saber que esta aqui... me tiene mal. Tan cercas, pero tan lejos, ya know? It doesn't help that I just spent my Friday night at a funeral. It just makes me think.. sad shit, really)

Thief

Te robaría tus pensamientos y tus mas perversas fantasías,
para cumplirlas una a una hasta que no pudieras mas de placer.
Finalmente robaría tu aliento, tu reloj y tu tiempo; tu cordura y tu silencio.
Robaría de tu futuro tu muerte, para que nunca te encuentre,
Y en la eternidad contigo vivir por siempre.

Had this been said in English, I would have scoffed.
Reading it in Spanish, it made me smile... then get sad.
Of course.

Calle De La Amargura, like always. It appears I have a permanent residence there.

Para Llorar, fifth and final volume!

In honor of it being Friday, here is my final (yeah!) installment of my
List of SAD Spanish Songs

Te Voy A Perder – Alejandro Fernández
"No, no te vayas, aun quedan palabras... mil frases del alma y entre ellas no estaba el adiós… espera, por dios."
"Falta besarte más, acariciarte, además de mil cosas que no son hermosas sin ti. No te puedes ir."
(Don't get the color scheme? You will... [think of T.G.I.F.'s marquee] anyway, this guy is telling the girl that she can't leave him because there so much left to do. It's a lovely, pleading song. And Alejandro makes me sigh.)

*Tengo Ganas – Alejandro Fernández
"Tengo ganas de acostarme con la fe de tu mirada. Y que el tiempo se detenga si es que me haces el amor. Tengo gangas de esperarte por el parque una mañana. Tengo ganas de atender a tu mas dulce petición."
"Tengo gangas de inventarle un mandamiento a mis pecados… tengo ganas de ser libre amarrándome a tus pies."
"Tengo ganas de entenderte cuando nadie te hace caso y nadie te acompaña. Tengo ganas de que te des cuenta que este amor secreto es solo para ti."
"Tengo ganas de que tengas ganas de tenerme a mi."
(Yet again, Alejandro Fernandez. In this case, he's singing about unrequited love. He wants her to want him like he wants her... if that makes sense. He says it sweetly... and that makes me sad. Who wouldn't want him?!)

**Tragos Amargos – Ramon Ayala
"Clavado en este rincón, como tu clavaste a mi corazón. Estos tragos que tomo yo, son pura tristeza, y son mi dolor."
"Te fuiste no se porque… yo se que me querías, y se que me adorabas… por si acaso quieres regresar, te voy a esperar."
"Tragos de amargo licor, que no me hacen olvidar. Y me siento como un cobarde, que hasta me pongo a llorar."
(Yeee-hawwwwww! If there's a scream in English equivalent to what this makes me feel, it's that. This guy is basically crying his ass off as he drinks in a cantina. Why is he drinking and crying in a cantina? 'cause his lady left him. He claims not to know why [hmm... maybe it was the drinking?] but says he'll sit and wait for her. Anthem for anyone who gets left by his/her significant other, and now all he/she is doing is drinking at a cantina... what? Americans don't do that? Damn, you're missing out.)

Tu Cárcel – Los Bukis (original) or Enanitos Verdes (pretty fucking rad)
"Te vas amor… si así lo quieres ¿que puedo yo hacer? Tu vanidad no te deja entender que en la pobreza se sabe querer."
"Quiero llorar y me destroza que pienses así, y mas que ahora me quede sin ti… me duele lo que tu vas a sufrir. Pero, recuerda, nadie es perfecto y tu lo veras. Mas de mil cosas mejores tendrás, pero cariño sincero- jamás."
"Vete olvidando de esto que hoy dejas y que cambiaras por la aventura, que tu ya veras, será tu cárcel y nunca saldrás."
(Love it with either group. It's about a dude who gets dumped by his chick for the most frivolous reason: money. He's poor, she wants more, so as she's leaving, he's telling her "Alright, do it. I feel sorry for you, since time will show that you may acquire thousands of things, but never true love. Forget about me, and everything you're leaving behind... for what you'll see will turn out to be the prison you'll never get out of!" Hell yeah, you tell that gold-digger, player!)

Un Desengaño - Intocable
"Un desengaño no es morir, sabrás, porque mi vida es toda tuya."
"Estoy contento, la verdad, con tu franqueza al explicar que llegue tarde a tu amor."
"La vida es corta y al final sabrás que si te quieren ya ganaste."
"Si tu cariño se acabo estoy tranquilo corazón, al fin que nunca comenzó."
"Ya de mi parte no hay rencores porque mi vida es toda tuya."
"Estoy consciente de lo que haces, pero mi vida es toda tuya."
(Song tries to cheer you up when you're bummed... but it just makes you more depressed. Story of a self-sacrificing guy who after a disillusion, tells the girl that he's cool as long as she is. He thanks her for letting him know he's too late to get her, because in the end, the relationship never took-off. And why will he be cool? Because regardless, he belongs to her. Gee, good advice for the rest of us disillusioned souls who aren't nearly as self-sacrificing, dude.)

**Usted Se Me Llevó La Vida – Alexandre Pires
"Usted se me llevó la vida, y el alma entera. Y se ha clavado aquí en mis huesos con esta angustia y esta pena. Usted no sabe que se siente perder. No sabe que se siente caer y caer en un abismo profundo y sin fe."
"Usted no sabe lo importante que fue. No sabe que su ausencia fue un trago de hiel que se ha quedado profundo en mi piel."
"Usted no sabe lo que es el amor, y el miedo que causa la desolación. Usted no sabe que daño causo, como a destrozado a este corazón que tan solo palpitaba con el sonido de su voz."
"Usted es fría, y su maldad le hiela el alma… usted lleno mi vida, toda de dolor."
(There was a time when I couldn't hear this song, because like "Que Lloro," I'd cry-- I mean, the song came in the footsteps of when I found out Altar Boy got that one slut pregnant. This Brazilian man's accent is fantastic. Anyway, another disillusioned person, telling the girl that she took his life [not to mention his dignity if he's going around crying everywhere] when she said goodbye. He accuses her of being a coldhearted... person. What makes me sad in this song, is how he refers to her in the proper "usted" form... as in, the form you use with strangers when speaking Spanish. So, technically, she's now a stranger to him... yeah... deep!)

Volveré Junto A Ti – Laura Pausini
"Volveré junto a ti, a pesar de mi orgullo. Volveré porque se que no puedo elegir. Recordando ahora días de otra latitud. Frecuentando sitios donde tú estarás. Repitiendo gestos y palabras que perdimos. Volveré junto a ti como cuando me fui."
"Tu dime si estas dispuesto a intentar de nuevo con migo un largo camino. Si aun eres tú, si ahora soy yo... como una canción sincera y nueva. Tu dime si esta, si puedo encontrar nuestro pasado en tu mirar."
"Volveré porque en ti, queda parte de mi. Al respirar el aire limpio de tranquilidad… al reencontrar tus manos fuertes otra vez… y no sentirme siempre frágil como ayer."
"Ya no puedo elegir, volveré junto a ti."
(Tsk-tsk-tsk! A girl with no self-respect! But why do I love it so much? She's telling the guy she's going to go back to him, disregarding her pride, because she's in no position to choose. I see this as the anthem of women who get beaten by their husbands... run away for a while, then come back "because of the kids." Pshh... sad song indeed)

Volverte a amar – Alejandra Guzmán
"Voy de prisa, siempre en contra de el reloj. Todo lo que viví nunca fue para mi y aunque duele aceptarlo, es así."
(Amen, sister!! "Everything that I lived, never was meant for me... and while it hurts to admit it, that's how it is." Oh yes... oh yes.)

*Vuelve – Ricky Martin
"Algo me dice que ya no volverás. Estoy seguro que esta vez no habrá marcha atrás. Después de todo fui yo a decirte que no. Sabes bien que no es cierto, estoy muriendo por dentro. Ahora es que me doy cuenta que sin ti no soy nada. Eh perdido las fuerzas, eh perdido las ganas. Eh intentado encontrarte en otras personas... no es igual, no es lo mismo, no separa un abismo."
"Vuelve, que sin ti la vida se me va. Vuelve, que me falta el aire si tu no estas. Vuelve, nadie ocupara tu lugar."
"Sobra tanto espacio si no estas, no paso un minuto sin pensar, sin ti la vida lentamente se me va."
"Algo me dice ya no sirve de nada tantas noches en vela aferrado a mi almohada. Si pudiera tan solo regresar un momento. Ahora es que te comprendo, ahora es cuando te pierdo."
(He's begging his girl [guy?] to come back, because he feels like he can't breathe, live without her. He realizes this all too late... she's gone. Boo! Not fair!)

**¿Y Como Es El? – José Luís Perales
"Mirándote a los ojos juraría que tienes algo nuevo que contarme. Empieza ya mujer, no tengas miedo… quizá para mañana sea tarde."
" ¿Y como es el? ¿En que lugar se enamoro de ti? ¿De donde es? ¿A que dedica el tiempo libre?"
"Pregúntale porque ha robado un trozo de mi vida. Es un ladrón que me ha robado todo."
"El te estará esperando para amarte, y yo estaré celoso de perderte."
"Sonríete, que no sospeche que haz llorado, y déjame."
(Without one knowing the true reason the songwriter composed this, one would assume it's about a woman leaving her lover... and how he doesn't protest, just tells her it's cool because she's going to be happy. He just asks her a couple of questions regarding this new man: How is he? Where did he fall in love with you? Where's is he from? What does he do in his free-time? Ask him why he's stolen a piece of my life... he's a thief who has stolen everything of mine." She cries during this meeting, and he tells her to wipe her face so her now-boyfriend doesn't suspect she cried. Awww! Right? What a great ex-boyfriend! So damn altruistic! Well, this song is actually about a man and his daughter. His reaction to her telling him she's getting married! That right there, brings tears to my eyes. So fucking cute and sad! I'm glad I don't have kids.)

And here's a bonus:
Yo No Nací Para Amar – Juan Gabriel
(This song is probably the saddest EVER created... EVER. I relate... especially with the Nydia Rojas version... it's kinda... the story of my life... especially now that a good number of girls I grew up with are getting married and/or having babies. Not cool.)

I hope no person ever asks me to give them sad song titles...
This was exhausting... and it left me feeling so bummed out.

Para Llorar, Vol. 4

In honor of getting thoroughly "checked out" by a high school "thug" (Chase and I referred to him as BLAsian for the rest of the day... I bet you can't guess why) while having a nice "Buffalo Wild Wings catch up" lunch with my buddy Chase, I give you Part 4 of my
List of SAD Spanish Songs
(You know the drill)

Pero Me Acuerdo De Ti – Christina Aguilera
"Ahora que ya mi vida se encuentra normal… que tengo en casa quien sueña con verme llegar. Ahora puedo decir que me encuentro de pie, ahora que me va muy bien."
"Ahora que con el tiempo logre superar aquel amor que por poco me llega a matar. Ahora ya no hay más dolor. Ahora vuelvo a ser yo… pero me acuerdo de ti, y otra vez pierdo la calma. Pero me acuerdo de ti y se me desgarra el alma. Pero me acuerdo de ti y se borra mi sonrisa. Pero me acuerdo de ti y mi mundo se hace trisas."
"Ahora que mi futuro comienza a brillar… ahora que me han devuelto la seguridad. Ahora ya no hay mas dolor, ahora al fin vuelvo a ser yo… pero me acuerdo de ti."
(I chose blue and "gold" because those were my high school colors. I know, I'm witty, no need to say it. Haha, maybe I should add "modest" to that list. Anyway, on with the song: I love it, because once again, I'm like this. I take a LONG time to get over a guy... and I mean LONNNNNNG time. I tend to be ok after a while, but of course, out of the blue, I'll remember the douche bag and get all upset. That's what this song's about. The chick FINALLY has her shit straight, everything's going fine and dandy in life, but BAM! She suddenly thinks/remembers her ex and everything comes crashing down. Woe. Is. Me.)

*Que Hago Yo - Ha*Ash
"Entraste como un rayo de luz, como un aire encantador. Liberaste con tu hechizo a mi recluso corazón. Tu dulzura corrió por mis venas, creí en tu intención. No pensé que era una mentira, o un engaño, tu amor."
"Se muy bien que harás en sus brazos, pero dime, ¿que hago yo?"
"¿Que hago con mis labios?, si me ruegan tus besos. ¿Que hago con mis manos? cuando suplican tu regreso. ¿Que hago con mis noches? ¿Que hago con mis días? ¿Que hago con tu esencia?, que se aferra a la mía. Dime que hago yo."
(This song always manages to bum me out. It's about a girl, who is seeing a guy who is taken... she knows it and all... she kind of got into it knowing he was taken, but now, she's left to wonder "WTF do I do with all this? I love you..." so basically, she can't handle it anymore... and she's bummed. Makes me feel for the poor girl [that last lyric I have on there always saddens me. "What do I do with my lips, if they beg for your kisses? What do I do with my hands, when they plead for your return? What do I do with my nights, my days? What do I do with your essence, which grasps onto mine?"]. Also, the girls who sing this have awesome vocal ranges... their mom taught them to yodel as kids, so it's never a waste of time to listen to them)

***Que Lloro – Sin Bandera
"Quédate un momento así, no mires hacia a mi que no podré aguantar si clavas tu mirada que me hiela el cuerpo; me a pasado antes, que no puedo hablar."
"Tal vez pienses que estoy loco, y es verdad un poco, tengo que aceptar. Pero si no te explico lo que siento dentro no vas a entender cuando me veas llorar."
"Nunca me sentí tan solo como cuando ayer de pronto lo entendí mientras callabas. La vida me dijo a gritos que nunca te tuve, y nunca te perdí… y me explicaba que el amor es una cosa que se da de pronto en forma natural lleno de fuego. Si lo forzas se marchita, sin tener principio llega su final."
"Ahora tal vez lo puedas entender que si me tocas se quema mi piel. Ahora tal vez lo puedas entender, y no te vuelvas si no quieres ver que lloro por ti. Que lloro sin ti. Que ya lo entendí, que no eres para mi… y lloro."
(Whoooa! This song is in my ALL TIME top 3. It has had the most special meaning to me since May 6th, 2004. I was lame enough to cry with it each time I heard it on the radio... to the point where I'd have to switch stations if it ever started to play. The meaning of the song? The guy finally understands that the chick he's loved since... pshh, I don't know, ever? Well, that she isn't meant for him. Just... the lyrics in Spanish... they... ughh, they sting. Nunca me senti tan solo como cuando ayer de pronto lo entendi mientras callabas?? God! That is so fucking true! Anyway, so the guy is getting the courage to finally tell the girl "Leave now, and don't turn back, 'cause you'll see me crying if you do," even at one point telling her to not even look at him as he talks, because that just makes him freeze up. SAD stuff.)

Rió Rebelde – Julio Iglesias
"Tire tu pañuelo al rió para mirarlo como se hundía. Era el último recuerdo de tu cariño que yo tenia. Se fue hiendo despacito, como tu amor, pero el rió hundía. A la playa al fin me lo volverá, pero yo se bien que nunca jamas podré ser feliz sin tus alegrías."
"Te recordare en mi soledad, en el nido aquel que quedo sin luz cuando comprendí que ya no eras mía."
(What's this?! Julio Iglesias makes it in my top list again? Well, yes. Anyway, yet again! A man realizes that the girl he was with is no longer his! I find it romantic and sort of crushing, since it paints a lovely scene in my head. He's sitting at the edge of a river, and he throws a handkerchief in the "wild" river... it's the last keepsake of the girl which still remains in his possession. He then sits there and watches as it sinks in the water... sinking like her love for him ::sad face::. I guess I probably find this sadder than regular folks since I tend to do that kind of shit when in Mexico... I'll sit by the endge of the river and throw sticks/stones... whatever... into it. I just love doing that kind of stuff whenever I'm upset. Just walk to the river... relax... and ponder things while seeing the water flow right on by. I'm sure if I ever took anything with me that belonged to an ex, I'd probably chuck it in the river as well... then stare at it as it sinks... with a tear slowly running down my very disillusioned face. Ha.)

Si La Ves – Franco De Vita
"Dile que yo estoy muy bien (aunque yo se muy bien que no), que nunca eh estado mejor (miente un poco, a mi favor). Si piensa que tal vez me muero porque ya no esta, ¡que va! Dile que al final de todo (no sigas ya mintiendo), se lo voy agradecer… aunque pensándolo bien, mejor dile que ya no me vez. Que me eh perdido y que no voy a regresar. Y dile también, que aunque me llame no contestare… si la vez."
"Si la vez dile que ya no espero su llamada y que ya no me despierto en plena madrugada. Y que ya no la recuerdo y que ya no me hace falta. Dile que ya estoy curado, que lo nuestro ya es pasado."
(This one makes me sad because the poor guy... well... he's freaking lying. He's telling his buddy, who is still cool with his ex-girlfriend, that next time he sees her to tell her he's doing fantastic--never better, that he no longer thinks of her, he doesn't wait for her call at night anymore, that she's coo-coo if she thinks he's going to die without her... etc. Then he takes it all back and tells his buddy "You know what, just tell her you don't see me anymore... that I'm lost... you know... only if you see her." That's a man for you. Good boy!)

**Si No Te Hubieras Ido – Marco Antonio Solís
"Te extraño mas que nunca y no se que hacer. Despierto y te recuerdo al amanecer."
"Espera otro día por vivir sin ti. El espejo no miente, me veo tan diferente… me haces falta tu."
"La gente pasa y pasa siempre tan igual. El ritmo de la vida me parece mal. Era tan diferente cuando estabas tú. Si que era diferente cuando estabas tu."
"No hay nada más difícil que vivir sin ti. Sufriendo en la espera de verte llegar. El frió de mi cuerpo pregunta por ti, y no se donde estas. Si no te hubieras ido seria tan feliz."
(There's a reason they used this song on "Y Tu Mama Tambien." It's freaking great! But thanks to that movie, each time I hear this song, I can't help but think of Diego Luna, Gael Garcia-Bernal, and that one chick dancing together. Ok, the meaning of the song: A guy is lamenting over how crappy life is without his girl. He mentions how everything seems so off-beat to him now, and how life is so difficult to live without her there by his side to make him happy. Pobre amigo.)

**Siempre Hace Frió - Selena
"Este corazón, que aun te quiere, ya esta muriendo tarde con tarde, como se muere la luz del día."
"Ya no puedo mas, tú me haces falta. Vuelve conmigo, alma de mi alma, vidita mía.”
"¿Adonde estas? ¿Adonde estas? Mátame cielo, trágame tierra, quiero morirme si no vuelve mas."
"Ya podrás tener el mundo entero... y entre tus manos toda la dicha y otro cariño mejor que el mió... pero ya veras que todo acaba. Y al verte solo como hoy me siento, siempre hace frió."
(Yey! Selena made it on my list! This song I could SO get twizzted to! Anyone, really, it's a Ranchera! Those always make people want to drink and cry along to the song. Anyway, the title says it all "It's always cold." In this case, it's a girl completely disillusioned with... life. Sure, she got like that thanks to heartbreak, but she does mention in the end that you can have it all-- a love better than hers, all the money in the world-- but in the end, everything ends... you'll be left alone in the cold. All because a girl's love was unrequited. Pitty. Selena's voice in this track, though, is MOST DEF not a pitty! She makes it so damn worth it!)

***Siempre Me Quedara – Bebe
" ¿Como decir que me partes en mi las esquinitas de mis huesos? Que han caído las esquemas de mi vida, ahora que todo era perfecto… y algo mas que eso, me sorbiste el ceso y me desciende el peso de este cuerpecito mió que se ha convertido en rió."
"Me cuesta abrir los ojos, y lo hago poco a poco, no sea que aun te encuentres cerca. Me guardo tu recuerdo como el mejor secreto, que dulce fue tenerte dentro. Hay un trozo de luz en esta oscuridad para prestarme calma. El tiempo todo calma, la tempestad y la calma."
"Siempre me quedara la voz suave del mar, volver a respirar, la lluvia que caerá sobre este cuerpo y mojara la flor que crece en mí… y volver a reír. Y cada día un instante volver a pensar en ti."
(Dagger tot he heart. This is my go-to song if I ever want to get depressed. Her voice just... it makes me cry. The point of the song is that, unlike previous songs, the memory of the guy makes the girl happy. The memory of having him once in her life will always remain with her, and that, my friends, makes her happy. I'll admit it... I do think like this sometimes)

*Tal Vez - Ricky Martin
"Tal vez será que esta historia ya tiene final. No se porque, hoy te siento tan distante de mi. Y a pesar que lo intento de nuevo, tal vez llegue tarde, ya no hay nada que hacer. Y no puedo creer que el tiempo que hemos tenido tal vez se nos gasto."
"Tal vez fui yo quien no te dio una noche entera. Nunca te he dado todo lo que esperabas, y no estaba cuando me necesitabas… tal vez no te escuche, tal vez te descuide… tal vez se me olvido que yo te amaba… tal vez."
"Y yo por mi parte propongo intentarlo de nuevo… volver a empezar. Que por mas que lo pienso no encuentro una sola razón para seguir sin ti."
(Literal title translation: "Perhaps." Guy's telling his girl "Yo... ok, perhaps it was my fault. Perhaps I didn't give you an entire night. Perhaps I never gave you what you wanted... and I wasn't there when you needed me... perhaps I didn't listen to you... perhaps I didn't take care of you... perhaps I forgot that I loved you... but hey, we can try again! 'cause baby, I can't find a reason to be without you." Yeah... and perhaps Ricky Martin is gay. [NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! That right there is the sound of my little heart breaking. I love you, Ricky Martin, gay or straight... or bi!])

Te Llame – Cristian Castro
"Te llame porque no aguanto mi tristeza y no puedo soportar tanto dolor… porque nadie va borrar toda la huella que dejaste con tu amor."
"Te llame porque la vida es una sola… y en la mía esta faltando tu calor."
(You know that one person who would always fucking call you to say the stupidest shit like "Baby, I love you." or "Hi. What are you doing?" Well, this guy broke up with his chick and he can't break the habit. He calls her to let her know that he can't get over her... that he misses her... and that you only live life once, and she's missing in his. How cute. Although, if it were my case, I'd probably reply with "How many fucking times have I told you not to call me at this fucking time of the day?! And to say that shit? Fuck you, go to bed!" And maybe that's why I'm destined to become a spinster)

This is probably the second to last post regarding this topic... then, NEVER again (not that I hate it or anything, but it's so time consuming to come up with such a long list! Although, today's choices were full of great songs that make me smile bitterly to myself)!

Now, if you don't mind, I must go away and sulk...
Why didn't high school boys check me out when I was in high school?!

Para Llorar, Vol. 3

Ok... so in honor... of it being hump day... and that today's a very important day for the Dos Santos clan's pocket... here's part 3 of my
List of SAD Spanish Songs:
(Yep, still same rules)

Hey- Julio iglesias
"Yo se que a ti te gusta presumir. Que a tus amigos les dices que sin ti no podré vivir."
"Ya vez, tu nunca me haz querido, ya lo vez. Que nunca he sido tuyo ya lo se. Fue solo por orgullo ese querer."
"Es siempre mas feliz quien mas amo… y ese siempre fui yo."
(I never thought I'd have one of his songs as a favorite, but this song's pretty badass. Just your usual upset dumpee, who basically tells his girl "Yo, I knew you never loved me, I know you told everyone that you had me wrapped around your finger, but guess what! I was happy that way!" No, wait, what?)

La Muerte Del Palomo - Rocio Durcal (I really like Yuridia's version)
"Solito quedo el palomo, ahogándose entre sollozos, pues ya no puede llorar."
"Pobrecito del palomo, cansado esta de sufrir… y mirando para el cielo, a Dios le pide su muerte, que así no quiere vivir."
"En llorar, en llorar, en llorar. Desde que te fuiste se le fue al palomo en puro llorar. Por llorar, por llorar, por llorar ya no puede ver, ni puede volar. Se acerca su muerta, esta agonizando de tanto esperar. Morirá, morirá, ¡morirá! Morirá el palomo porque así es la muerte cuando ay soledad. Mirara hacia al cielo, te vera volando, te dará las gracias por esos recuerdos. Y al cruzar las alas que te cobijaron ahogara en sus sueños que no despertaron."
(So, what do I like in songs? Metaphors. What do I like more than metaphorically infused songs? Songs where the metaphors are about birds! Ok, I'll admit, in that damn Notebook movie, I cried in the end ONLY because of the bird thing... but in my defense, I've had that bird issue since childhood. OK?! Anyway, this song is about a "bird" and how he's miserable after his whore partner leaves him. Now all he does is cry. He can't fly, can't see, can't be a damn bird because he's too damn sick and tired from crying all the time. I know I'm not the only person out there who has cried so much, to the point where her eyes are almost swollen shut... right? Maybe? That's what I thought)

La Otra – Benny Ibarra
"Es otra piel la que acelera mis latidos. Es otra mi inquietud. Es la otra, no eres tu."
(Bastard of a song! There are more lyrics, but they make me so furious! Basically, it's a duet between a man and his wife. She's pleading with him that although she knows he has a mistress, to please stay with her and the kids... in their "nest" [bird reference again!]. What is his response? "Bitch, get out da way!" Actually, I'd take that way before the bitch crap he says... so harsh... "It's anothers skin that accelerates my heart-beats... it's 'the other one,' not you." Well... you motherfucker... ::elbow to the mouth:: hope that makes your fucking heart skip a beat... bitch! Hey, I never said the sad song had to make me docile and teary-eyed...)

**Me Da Igual – Camila
"No me importa donde estas, con quien sales, con quien vas. Ya me da igual."
"Si no quieres verme más, hazte a un lado, pero ya no me dañes mas."
"Tanto tiempo te espere, tantas noches te soñé. Solo en sueños te bese y en tus labios me quede."
"En cambio tu apagas mi luz sin mirar atrás."
"Hoy yo lo que quiero es despertar y borrar todo lo que fui… pensando que serias para mi."
"Me cuesta tanto asimilar que todo lo que vi es real… me tengo que alejar. Siento ganas de llorar, no lo puedo soportar… me cuesta respirar."
(Ok... so I really like all the lyrics in this one. Bascially, this guy is telling the girl "Do whatever the hell you'd like, I don't give a damn... just get the hell away from me." I love this song... mucho... especialmente por algunas cosillas que he pasado ultimamente)

Mediodía – Café Tacaba
"Parece mentira, que entre tanta gente en esta ciudad no tenga a nadie con quien compartir la vista desde mi casa este Sábado al mediodía."
(This song is absolutely lovely. Makes me smile bitterly. This guy's describing the scenery from his balcony one Saturday afternoon in Mexico City... it's vivid and he really does take you there with only words... then he laments not having anyone in this huge city to share such a wonderful sight. Sigh. Yes, there are plenty of people like you, señor)

*Mientes Tan Bien - Sin Bandera
"Que te quedaras conmigo una vida entera; Que contigo, adiós invierno solo primavera; Que las olas son de magia, no de agua salada... Yo te creo todo, y tu no me das nada."
"Que si sigo tu camino llegare hasta el cielo. Tú me mientes en la cara y yo me vuelvo ciego. Yo me trago tus palabras, tú juegas un juego… y me brilla el mundo cuando dices 'luego.' Cuando dices 'siento,' siento que eres todo, cuando dices 'vida, yo estaré contigo.' Me tomas de mi mano, y por dentro lloro. Aunque sea mentira, me haces sentir vivo. Aunque es falso el aire, siento que respiro."
"Mientes tan bien, que me sabe a verdad todo lo que me das. Y ya te estoy amando. Mientes tan bien, que he llegado a imaginar que de mi amor llenas tu piel. Y aunque todo es de papel, mientes tan bien."
"Y aunque todo es de papel, mientes… lo se."
(This guy's telling his girl that he knows she's a liar... and that's she pretty damn good at it [he gives lovely examples, like the line that says something like "Even if it's false air, I feel that I breathe." Sounds way better in Spanish]. And while he knows she lies, he still believes her. Dumbass. But I'm sure we've all been there, done that when we meet someone we really like... that we convince ourselves that maybe they're... not lying.)

No Sirve De Nada – Ricardo Arjona
"Descubrí… el llanto que escondes de tras de esa sonrisa de casting barato."
"Y ¿de que me sirve? No sirve de nada."
(Another lovely angry tune. I like the first lyric because I too give off a "cheap casting smile" when I'm upset. Anyway, this is sort of a cynical song... point of it being that everything he gets from her "Isn't worth a damn." "It doesn't serve me any damn purpose.")

**No Volveré - Various Artists (I enjoy Cristian Castro)
"Cuando lejos te encuentres de mi, cuando quieras que este yo contigo, no hallaras ni un recuerdo de mi ni tendrás mas amores conmigo."
"Yo te juro que no volveré aunque me haga pedazos la vida."
"Si una vez con locura te ame, ya de mi alma estarás despedida."
"No volveré, te lo juro por dios que me mira. Te lo digo llorando de rabia: ¡No volveré!"
"No parare hasta ver que mi llanto a formado un arrollo de olvido anegado, donde yo tu recuerdo ahogare."
"Fuimos nubes que el viento aparto. Fuimos piedras que siempre chocaron. Gotas de agua que el sol reseco. Borracheras que no terminaron."
"En el tren de la ausencia de hoy, mi boleto no tiene regreso. Lo que tengas de mi te lo doy, pero yo te devuelvo tus besos."
(Song so freaking great, that it serves as my ringtone. It's one of the best "Angry Mexican Macho" songs out there [of course, girls have taken to singing this, especially when they're pretty PO'ed at a guy for being a douche]. I mean, if a dude told me this, I would bawl my eyes out for a couple of weeks. Basically, the guy is telling the girl he's never coming back, then he goes off and tells her how he's going to forget her [he's pretty mean]. My favorite line, which is underlined, mentions how he won't stop in his efforts until he sees his tears have formed an overflowing river in which he will drown the girl's memory. I mean, come on... how often do you hear something like that being said? The guy was PISSED and injured in his macho pride when he wrote this! I love it!)

Nube Viajera – Alejandro Fernández
"¿Donde estas? ¿Que cielo cruzas sin extrañarme, nube perdida? ¿Por que no vienes a iluminarme?, luz de mi vida. Regresa pronto que yo no vivo si no es por ti."
"¿Donde estas? Detén tu vuelo y vuelve a casa nube viajera. Por una sola de tus caricias todo lo diera aunque volvieras de nuevo a irte lejos de mi."
(Yep, you guessed it, METAPHORS! Haha. He's calling the chick a "cloud" since she comes and goes like one. I love it for the words... but, especially since this guy's voice is so hot. )

Para Que Me Quieras Como Quiero – Ricardo Arjona
"Podría dibujar, a cien años luz, la mueca que pintas cuando llegas."
"Podría caminar en el fuego para que me quieras como quiero."
"Pero soy el cero en tu izquierda, tu coartada. Tu fusible siempre en reserva. No tengo nada. Quiero ser el truco en tus trampas. Quitarme el miedo, jugar tu juego, hacer lo que no puedo, para que me quieras como quiero."
"Podría soportar la calamidad de ser el juguete de tu juego."
"Te quiero como quieres, me quieres como puedes-- no quiero seguir queriendo así."
(So this song rocks. Point of it is the guy likes the girl more than she likes him, and he's suggesting things he could do for that to change, you know, be a little more equal)

I'm almost done with this list! I will have to get it done by the end of the month... you know... since it's February... and I don't want to drag this into the best month of the year: March!
That would just be depressing.
(And talk about depressing: I still don't have water at my house!!!)

Para Llorar, Vol. 2

In honor of President's Day (it is President's Day.... right? I lose track of time now that I'm out of school. I don't like it one bit!) let's continue with my
List of SAD Spanish Songs:
(Same rules as in volume 1 apply)

Amar y Querer - José José
"Casi todos sabemos querer, pero pocos sabemos amar. Es que amar y querer no es igual. Amar es sufrir, querer es gozar."
"El que quiere pretende vivir, y nunca sufrir… y nunca sufrir."
"El que ama no puede pensar, todo lo da… todo lo da. El que quiere pretende olvidar y nunca llorar… y nunca llorar. El querer pronto puede acabar… el amor no conoce el final."
(This one hurts because it helps differentiate between those who simply "like/lust" over those who "love," giving examples between people who "like" and those who "love." People that "love" end up losing. It makes me watery-eyed each time I hear it. Damn José José and his sad ballads)

**Casi Un Bolero – Ricky Martin
"Suenan las campanas de mi mente… que tristemente suenan por mi."
"La tristeza que te canto se la va llevando el viento."
"Pongo tu foto sobre mi piel… suena en mi corazón, casi un bolero."
(This song is italicized because, while the lyrics manage to make me frown a little, the music is mainly what makes me want to wail. It's... just... a fantastic orchestral arrangement. Even if you don't know Spanish, the music will get you to frown, at least. The song just talks about a lonely guy, I guess he too has lost his lover, and how everything reminds him of her. So in his heart, he sort of hears a bolero, and he sings along to it. Ah yes, the latin man, such a romatic when he's not too busy bossing the wife around or making her crank out babies... bitter much? Hell. Yes.)

*Cielo Rojo - Various Artists (The song is so popular, many artists have taken to sining it. My personal favorites include Alejandro Fernandez, Luis Miguel, and Pepe Aguilar)
"Solo sin tu cariño voy caminando, voy caminando y no se que hacer. Ni el cielo me contesta cuando pregunto por ti, mi bien.
No eh podido olvidarte desde la noche, desde la noche en que te perdí. Sombras de duda y celos solo me envuelven pensando en ti."
"Deja que yo te busque y si te encuentro, y si te encuentro vuelve otra vez. Olvida lo pasado, ya no te acuerdes de aquel ayer."
"Mientras yo estoy dormido, sueño que vamos los dos muy juntos a un cielo azul. Pero cuando despierto, mi cielo es rojo... me faltas tu."
"Y aunque yo sea culpable de aquella triste, de aquella triste separación, vuelve por dios tus ojos, vuelve a quererme, vuelve mi amor."
(So this guy admits to f'ing up in the relationship. He's asking her to come back. He even mentions how he dreams that he's walking along with the girl towards a blue sky, but when he wakes, the sky is red and she's missing. Poor lovelorn man... I would probably take a dude back if he said this kind of stuff to me though, I'm weak like that)

**Donde Estará Mi Primavera?** - Marco Antonio Solís
"Yo te debo tanto, tanto amor que ahora te regalo mi resignación. Se que tu me amaste, yo pude sentirlo. Quiero descansar en tu perdón.
Voy hacer de cuenta que nunca te fuiste, que haz ido de viaje y nada más.
Y con tu recuerdo, cuando este muy triste, le haré compañía a mi soledad."
"Quiero que mi ausencia sean las grandes alas con las que tu puedas emprender ese vuelo largo de tantas escalas, y en alguna me puedas perder."
"Yo aquí entre la nada voy hablar de todo, buscare a mi modo continuar.
Y hasta que los años cierren mi memoria, no me dejare de preguntar:
¿Donde estará mi primavera? ¿Donde se me a escondido el sol? Que mi jardín olvido, y el alma me marchito."
(This song should come with a warning! I can't even read the lyrics without getting choked up. I've come to get sentimental with this song when I think of guys... but especially when I think of those who have departed, like my grandma and now grandpa. The lyrics that mention how one won't think that the other has "left," but instead "gone on a trip" get me because that's exactly how I got over my grandmother's passing when I was 11. I've confused myself into believing she's in Mexico... and when I go to Mexico, I act like she's here in Vegas. Anyway, this song is underlined because it's one of my top 3 songs EVER. As much as I hate to admit it--because I hate being sentimental around others-- this song describes my feelings with sheer perfection. There are just days when I ask myself, and tell myself, these things. Basically, this depressed person is asking himself where his sunshine, his spring has gone... since he feels forgotten, neglected to the point where his "garden" AKA soul was forgotten and wilted. The words are too deep and beautiful to be translated properly into English. Now I'm sad.)


*Échame A Mi La Culpa - Various Artists (I like Pepe Aguilar's version)
"Sabes mejor que nadie que me fallaste. Que lo que prometiste se te olvido. Sabes a ciencia cierta que me engañaste aunque nadie te amara igual que yo."
"Lleno estoy de razones para despreciarte, y sin embargo quiero que seas feliz. Que aya en el otro mundo de en vez de infierno encuentres gloria, y que una nube de tu memoria me borre a mi."
"Dile al que te pregunte que no te quise. Dile que te engañaba, que fui lo peor. Échame a mi la culpa de lo que pase."
"Cúbrete tu la espalda con mi dolor."
(ALL the lyrics in this song cut me. Basically, he is letting his now-ex know that while she did him wrong by lying, cheating and forgetting all her promises, he still wishes her happiness here and in the "other world." He then goes as far as giving her permission to tell everyone that HE was horrible, that he would cheat on her, that he never loved her, that he was the worst. Basically, to place all blame on him. To cover her back with his pain. What a noble man, don't you think? And what a little bitch of the female if she really did go off and listen to her injured lover)

**El Me Mintió - Amanda Miguel (I love how Yuridia sings it)
"El me mintió. El me dijo que me amaba y no era verdad."
"El me mintió. No me amaba. Nunca me amo."
"El dejo que lo adorara. El me mintió, el me mintió. Era un juego y nada más. Era solo un juego cruel de su vanidad. El me mintió."
"Con el corazón destrozado y el rostro mojado, soy tan desdichada ¡quisiera morirme!"
"Mentira, ¡todo era mentira! Palabras al viento… tan solo un capricho que el niño tenía."
"De todo el amor que juraba, ¡jamas hubo nada! Yo fui solamente otra más que lo amaba."
"Mentira, ¡todo era mentira! Los besos, las rosas, las falsas caricias que me estremecían."
"Señor que tu estas en los cielos, tu que eres tan bueno, que no quede huella en mi piel de sus dedos."
(Fuck. Give me a second...
Ok...
This song's AWESOME for any girl who has been LIED TO [which would be... all of us, right?]. Basically, she finds out the dude was just lying to her. Using her. Like she was some new game for the little boy. Poor chick. While the dude knew she was falling for him, he did nothing to stop her. So now, she's just asking God to please erase all memory of him. Great song, especially each time a chick sings this, she's usually screaming and totally losing it, you know, how we all react when we find out we've been used. Now, each time I hear this, I think of poor Yuridia, and how ironically this sort of fits her situation)

En Ausencia De Ti - Laura Pausini
"Yo, como un árbol, desnuda estoy sin ti. Mis raíces se secaran, abandonada así."
(There are more lyrics, trust me, but... I'm so tired of looking [and you of reading, I'm sure]. This lyric's just one that I strongly fancy. I don't know, I have a thing for songs that use lots of metaphors. Basically, this is a very lonely girl that laments losing her guy)

Esa Noche – Café Tacuba
"No me hubieras dejado esa noche, porque esa misma noche encontré un amor. Parecía que estaba esperando tu momento de partir. Parecía haber observado, mis momentos junto a ti."
"Me abrazo el instante mismo, que tu me dijiste adiós, y no fue una gran tristeza. Fue como ir de menor a mayor."
"Tu regreso había esperado, más te veía muy feliz en los brazos de tu amada, te olvidaste tú de mí. Es ahora que recuerdas, a mis brazos vuelves ya. Seré por siempre tu amante, tu novia: la soledad."
"Si alguna vez regresas con aquella que te amo, sabes, no será lo mismo, pues también me conoció."
"Mi soledad, siempre eh pertenecido a ti."
(Funny, since I really do know a girl named Soledad. Anyway, these guys are pretty witty [hence why I love them so] and manage to make the lsitener believe this song's about a guy who finds another girl immediately after getting dumped by his chick. You start to think "What a prick! He was probably seeing another girl while being with this one that dumped him!" Towards the end, you find out this new "girl" is actually "loneliness" [English term for "Soledad," which in Spanish is also a female's name]. So, this guy's LONELY! Nice job, Cafe Tacuba! They sort of end it by saying that if he does get back with the chick that dumped him, it won't be the same, because she too got to know this so called "soledad," e.g. she too was lonely! Aw, tugs on your heart strings, right?)

Esta Triste Guitarra – Emmanuel or Pepe Aguilar
"Esta triste guitarra que suena y suena sola en la noche, es mi voz que te dice 'No me abandones, no me abandones.' "
(Once again, there are more lovely lyrics in this one, but I like this one most.This guy is giving his ex a nice serenade and he makes a metaphor [see, I love this device!] between his voice and the sound of the guitar. He's telling her to please not abandon him, and hopefully, each time she hears a guitar, she'll think of him. I wonder if that would work with metal... like... "Think of me when you play 'Raining Blood' by Slayer")

*Fuego De Noche, Nieve de Día - Ricky Martin
"Antes de que empiece a amanecer y vuelvas a tu vida habitual, debes comprender que entre los dos todo a sido puro y natural."
"Tu loca manía ha sido mía solo una vez. Dulce ironía: fuego de noche, nieve de día."
"Luces tu sonrisa mas normal; blanca, pero fría como nieve."
"Y mientras yo me quedo sin ti como un huracán, rabioso y febril. Tanta pasión, tanta osadía."
"Noche a noche en blanco sin dormir, ardo entre los pliegues de mi cama. Se que estas a punto de venir, pero solo viene la mañana."
(We all know I love this song. Each time I hear it being played, I stop dead in my tracks to listen. Anyway, this poor guy has the luck of loving a girl who is taken... and she might be a little crazy... or just really detached. He's only had her once... but he wants her again, so bad [poor Ricky]. She... well, she's just... a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed, who scars men by only having one night stands with them and then wanting nothing to do with the fellas afterwards. In other words: My hero. J/k! All kidding aside, it's just about a guy who will never again have that one girl, so he yearns for her each night.)

Those 10 songs will do for part 2.
Happy Prez Day... I think that's what today is.