Last night I went to bed laughing.
I finished my DVD watching-marathon with Bridesmaids.
Best decision ever.
I made a conscious effort to not cry... though I really, really wanted to do just that, and I accomplished serenity... after a restless week.
A comment made about me has been gnawing away at me for the last week or so.
My sister was talking about her recent Chicago trip and she let to comment slip.
Sis: *MutualFriend* asked about you!
Me: Did he? That's cool. I miss him.
Sis: Yeah. It was when you posted about being at the Rebel game, and he was all like "Why is AnoMALIE so negative?"
Me:...
I'm sure the fact that this comment upset me so much probably makes me seem like a lame drama queen... I'm surprised it has gotten under my skin like this.
But it has.
The moment she said it, I felt my heart drop.
Then I felt anger.
Then I went back to feeling sad.
Why am I so negative?
It surprises me that the question came from this guy... since I'm only joking around with him when we talk... or I'll compliment him. Every time. All I do is compliment him... sincerely compliment him. It's not me brown-nosing, I have no secret motive to the laudation... it's genuine admiration... and I express it.
I have nothing but kind words for him.
And yet... he thinks I'm negative.
The last week, all I think when I do or say anything is "Now... am I being negative here? Was that TOO negative of me?"
Then I think "WHY should I be positive? WHAT is there to be positive about?"
And so I teeter back and forth between being sad and then angry when I think too much about this subject.
Here, I try to be honest... because I'm sick of putting on the façade of being OK... and when I express my discontent, my anger, my sadness, or anything other than forced, faked enthusiasm, I'm considered "negative."
Newsflash: Life ISN'T rainbows and sunshine, motherfuckers. It's NOT.
Who knows... maybe YOUR life IS sunshine and rainbows. Fucking birds chirp beautiful little songs in your ear each morning... your neighborhood smells like roses each morning... you wake up to your significant other giving you head in the morning. Who knows. Just like my mornings are lonely, frigid, and monotonous... others might have motherfucking fairytale mornings.
I think to how so many people mention how they don't like "negative" people.
I fight the urge to get in their face and ask them to PLEASE try to have a little compassion and TRY to think why that person might be a teeny, tiny bit "negative."
Homie, I'm 26. For 26 years, I've been taught to be respectful and mindful of others. I've been taught to put other's needs and desires before my own. I've been mistreated, neglected, abused, offended, ignored, disrespected in SO many ways... EXCUSE ME while I fucking lose my cool for a motherfucking second.
AND STILL, when I DO lose my fucking head, I tend to do it in a written form... which you OPENLY choose to read. In person, you will RARELY hear a peep out of me. So why complain?
Instead of judging me, you should probably try to understand me.
I'm pretty fucking sunny for a person who fucking hates so many things that happen(ed) in her life.
PRETTY. FUCKING. SUNNY.
So negative.
...
Man.
... and that's why Kristen Wiig having a massive mental breakdown at her BFF's bachelorette party made me laugh hysterically...
Was that too negative of me?
I finished my DVD watching-marathon with Bridesmaids.
Best decision ever.
I made a conscious effort to not cry... though I really, really wanted to do just that, and I accomplished serenity... after a restless week.
A comment made about me has been gnawing away at me for the last week or so.
My sister was talking about her recent Chicago trip and she let to comment slip.
Sis: *MutualFriend* asked about you!
Me: Did he? That's cool. I miss him.
Sis: Yeah. It was when you posted about being at the Rebel game, and he was all like "Why is AnoMALIE so negative?"
Me:...
I'm sure the fact that this comment upset me so much probably makes me seem like a lame drama queen... I'm surprised it has gotten under my skin like this.
But it has.
The moment she said it, I felt my heart drop.
Then I felt anger.
Then I went back to feeling sad.
Why am I so negative?
It surprises me that the question came from this guy... since I'm only joking around with him when we talk... or I'll compliment him. Every time. All I do is compliment him... sincerely compliment him. It's not me brown-nosing, I have no secret motive to the laudation... it's genuine admiration... and I express it.
I have nothing but kind words for him.
And yet... he thinks I'm negative.
The last week, all I think when I do or say anything is "Now... am I being negative here? Was that TOO negative of me?"
Then I think "WHY should I be positive? WHAT is there to be positive about?"
And so I teeter back and forth between being sad and then angry when I think too much about this subject.
Here, I try to be honest... because I'm sick of putting on the façade of being OK... and when I express my discontent, my anger, my sadness, or anything other than forced, faked enthusiasm, I'm considered "negative."
Newsflash: Life ISN'T rainbows and sunshine, motherfuckers. It's NOT.
Who knows... maybe YOUR life IS sunshine and rainbows. Fucking birds chirp beautiful little songs in your ear each morning... your neighborhood smells like roses each morning... you wake up to your significant other giving you head in the morning. Who knows. Just like my mornings are lonely, frigid, and monotonous... others might have motherfucking fairytale mornings.
I think to how so many people mention how they don't like "negative" people.
I fight the urge to get in their face and ask them to PLEASE try to have a little compassion and TRY to think why that person might be a teeny, tiny bit "negative."
Homie, I'm 26. For 26 years, I've been taught to be respectful and mindful of others. I've been taught to put other's needs and desires before my own. I've been mistreated, neglected, abused, offended, ignored, disrespected in SO many ways... EXCUSE ME while I fucking lose my cool for a motherfucking second.
AND STILL, when I DO lose my fucking head, I tend to do it in a written form... which you OPENLY choose to read. In person, you will RARELY hear a peep out of me. So why complain?
Instead of judging me, you should probably try to understand me.
I'm pretty fucking sunny for a person who fucking hates so many things that happen(ed) in her life.
PRETTY. FUCKING. SUNNY.
So negative.
...
Man.
... and that's why Kristen Wiig having a massive mental breakdown at her BFF's bachelorette party made me laugh hysterically...
Was that too negative of me?
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