Quien soy?

I really have lost the will to live.
Last night I turned down a free concert to one of my favorite artists, Juanes.
Me: Just record when he sings "Difícil." I'll be happy with that.
Sister: ... Alright.
Of course, knowing how my luck works, it should come as no surprise to learn Juanes did not sing that song last night.

Anyway, I shouldn't say I've "lost the will to live," that's too fucking harsh, but I am bummed.
Bro flies in tomorrow and we're having anxiety attacks wondering how the fuck we're gonna break the horrible news to him... the horrible news concerning Alo's marriage (we confirmed that she did, in fact, get married before she left for Switzerland. That fucking idiot).
I've been trying really hard to make him laugh these last few weeks... but damn it... I know this nigga's gonna be fucked up for Christmas.
Then I put myself in his shoes, and I get upset.
I'll sit there and listen to my favorite (but sad) songs and find myself crying.
Then I'll find the corresponding music video, and I'll cry even more.
ESPECIALLY after finding the video to the most beautiful song in the universe, Eres (you are):

Eres lo que mas quiero en este mundo, eso eres.
Mi pensamiento mas profundo, también eres.
Tan sólo dime lo que hago, aquí me tienes.
Eres, cuando despierto lo primero, eso eres.
Lo que a mi vida le hace falta si no vienes,
Lo único, preciosa, que mi mente habita hoy.
Qué mas puedo decirte? Tal vez puedo mentirte sin razón,
pero lo que hoy siento es que sin ti estoy muerto,
pues eres lo que mas quiero en este mundo, eso eres.
Eres el tiempo que comparto, eso eres.
Lo que la gente promete cuando se quiere.
Mi salvación, mi esperanza, y mi fe.
Soy el que quererte quiere como nadie, soy,
el que te llevaría el sustento día a día, día a día.
El que por ti daría la vida, ese soy.
Aquí estoy a tu lado, y espero aquí sentado, hasta el final.
No te has imaginado lo que por ti he esperado, 
pues eres lo que yo amo en este mundo, eso eres. 
Cada minuto en lo que pienso, eso eres. 
Lo que más cuido en este mundo, eso eres.
("You can't imaging how long I've waited for you. Well, you are what I love in this world, that's what you are. What I think of ever minute, that's what you are. What I take most care of in this world, that's what you are" THAT'S SO RAFA AND ALO! That shit just stabs my heart)

I had never seen the video until just now... and it gave me chills. Why? Because that boy is SO me... as in, I was the awkward, quiet, lonely, shy kid who just doodled in class while quietly admiring that one classmate.
The way they played with color in that video... fucking SOUL-CRUSHING... but I can relate, more than I'd like.
It makes me sad.
But I do believe it's now my favorite music video (in other words, watch the fucking video). It spoke to me, and it stayed true to the message the lyrics try to convey. Even a person who doesn't speak Spanish would get the point. Sublime lyrics, music, and video. Eaaa, Tacuberos!
If anyone can describe who I really am, it's Cafe Tacuba and their weird/touching/funny/sad/upbeat/dark music/videos... 'cause thats what I am, even if not everyone gets to see all the different aspects... luckily.

See, that's how shit moves from Rafa's heart-breaking situation, to me just being sad about my own shit.
I went ahead and found the video to CT's song that currently best describes me, Esta Vez (this time):

De pronto ya no se que pasa en mi.
De pronto ya no se quien soy.
De pronto ya no reconozco nada de lo que un día fui.
Hoy me pregunto que cambio dentro de mi.
Hoy me pregunto a donde voy.
Tal vez no existen las respuestas para lo que intento resolver.
Esta vez vengo buscando el corazón.
Esta vez lo intentare otra vez.
Esta vez ni más yo tratare de hacerlo bien,
si la vida me regala otra oportunidad.
De pronto ya no se que pasa en mi.
De pronto ya no se quien soy.
Tal vez no existen las respuestas para lo que intento resolver.
Esta vez no quiero otra ilusión.
Esta vez lo intentare otra vez.
Esta vez ni más yo tratare de hacerte bien,
si la vida me regala otra oportunidad.

Props to the guy who can run through the desert barefoot... that shit keeps me form crying, since I'm too busy imagining how much that shit must hurt.
Anyway, the lyrics ("Suddenly I don't know what's going on inside me. Suddenly, I don'y know who I am. Suddenly I don't recognize anything of what I once was." I've caught myself thinking that quite often) and feel (don't act like you've never wanted to break shit in a burning building)... they get me. While the video doesn't grab me like "Eres," I can relate to that sense of regret in this video.
If only I had one more try... one more chance... I'd do better this time.

Hmm... I've managed to make myself sad. I quit, I don't like this game.