Spite

Yesterday I experienced another first in my life, and like so many "firsts," it was unpleasant... probably the most unpleasant thing I've gone through lately... more so than the green tortillas fiasco from earlier this month (I mean, the tortilla bag did explicitly mention the use of spinach and "herbs," it was my fault for being so damn optimistic believing such a blend would come together masterfully to produce one awesome, unbelievably healthy tortilla).
This time, it made me upset because:
1) It happened right after I had some really tasty pizza.
2) It interrupted my PBS time!
3) IT CAME IN THE FORM OF CHOCOLATE!!

Yes... someone decided to fuck around with CHOCOLATE and thus... has made me... sort of weary of it from now on.

Ok, so it was a couple of days after Valentine's Day and Chase was kind enough to accompany me on my Duffle Bag Search to Target.
We noticed ALL Valentine's candy was market 90% off (?!?!!) so we made a bee-line for the area.
We purchased some really cute... sort of "angry" chocolate aptly named "Sweetest Revenge," that had some witty stuff... like chocolate band-aids... chocolates with bitter slogans etc.
So I went for the three bars of chocolate that were named "Vengeance: taste the dark side, dark chocolate," "Malice: Savor the taste of sweet revenge, milk chocolate," and "Spite: nibble your way to sweet revenge, spicy chocolate."
Oooo! Spicy Chocolate? Is that like... with cinnamon or something?

I hadn't opened the box... I was sort of just letting it sit there, in all its bitter glory, until yesterday when I was in the mood for tasting this... "Spicy Chocolate."
I popped a small piece in as I sat to watch my beloved PBS Masterpiece Theater part 3 of "Pride and Prejudice" (I'm now madly in love with Colin Firth... hot man, who cares if he's 25 years older than me).
At first... it was a shock...
Holy cow! It's like... cayenne pepper!!!
Then I was a little smitten...
Mmmm... how can hot and sweet make such an interesting flavor? Yumm... lemmy eat half the bar...
not even half-way through, I was absolutely sick.
Get this shit out of my mouth!!!!!!!!!

I started freaking once I noticed my gag reflex was acting up... then the world started to spin a little... then I knew I wasn't going to hold up.
I ran to the kitchen (come on now, I didn't want to miss any part of this last section of Pride and Prejudice... especially now that the resolution was eminent, I had been watching this shit for three weeks straight, two hours at a time just for that part!).
Hey Mom... ever tasted chocolate with chile in it?
I tried making Mom taste the chocolate... but she's too wise.
No... and I don't want to.
Ok, it's going in the trash.
Wait...
(Why does she do that? Each time we mention something's going in the trash, she can't stand the thought and that ends up being the ultimate temptation for her. Weirdo)
I'm gonna barf!
Ok... throw it away.
I started drinking water... washing my mouth out... but I just couldn't hold it in.

I was so angry because of the pizza thing.
I've vomited three times after eating pizza before... in all cases, I find myself loathing the damn thing for years because it brings back traumatic my-head's-in-the-toilet memories.
Do you know how much it sucks to hate pizza?

The stupid taste of the spicy chocolate wouldn't leave... and now I had... well, vomit to worry about.
I brushed my teeth... a lot... with tons of mouth wash... then I drank some more water... then I tried to forget about the experience as I watched the rest of my PBS while feeling sorry for msyelf (which I had to catch the rerun at 1 in the morning because of the parts I missed with this whole spicy chocolate saga).

In my life, I've had the misfortune of tasting some very horrific things:
1) A fly (stupid accident involving a small hose and a game I played with Older Brother in Mexico)
2) Half a cockroach (it was traumatizing! It somehow got stuck in my quesadilla back when we lived in the ghetto... I didn't see it stuck in the cheese, I bit into my food... felt a crunch, looked at my food, then panicked and puked after seeing half of the cockroach staring back at me--I ate the front end-- I didn't eat quesadillas for years)
3) Month old curdled milk (ACCIDENTALLY! I was about 10. The damn store--once again, in the ghetto-- hadn't changed the gallon, we didn't notice it when we purchased the gallon in a hurry... I didn't notice as I drank straight out the gallon... then I cried upon getting the after-taste... and then seeing the state the milk was in the gallon. I was traumatized into checking expiration dates from that moment forward. I'm pretty OCD about expiration dates now... I also don't drink out of the gallon as much)
4) Tripe (Ok, so people actually enjoy this stuff in their menudo. I, however, HATE it. The texture of the thing is awful).

Spicy Chocolate has officially bumped Tripe from the "Gag as I even think about it" spot.

How dare they destroy chocolate like that?

Spiteful in-fucking-deed!