Strap Yourself

Last week I laughed so hard while telling a story to my cousin, that I started to cry uncontrollably.

Now that I think back to it... it wasn't all that funny... but since I hadn't thought about the story in a while, and the fact that it was brought up out of the blue, just made me lose it.
Seeing as how many of us are in a need for some kind of a laugh (I'm in the midst of a mild freak-out as I think that I turn a year older in exactly a week. No! No! No!), I'll retell it now, with the added bonus of not only describing the scene, but actually showing you (I found the pictures, Chase! Haha).

So, my Pops isn't very well known for being a fantastic, know-it-all father. His own dad made some horrible mistakes while raising him (Mom told me a story I had never heard concerning my dad's childhood that same day we mentioned The Story That Made Me Laugh Hysterically... and it immediately made me frown, almost cry, really. It's one of the saddest stories I've heard, so if I re-told it, it would defeat the purpose of this being a funny, happy post), so you can't blame Dad for not knowing exactly what to do with his own offsping (his efforts are appreciated, however).

It was the summer of '87, and Mom had just acquired a "professional" camera from my dad's best friend. She was so ecstatic about it, she would go around snapping pictures of everything and had a tendency to forget anything else she had to do that day.
Well, that summer we went to visit my Mom's (now deceased) brother in Oakland.
He was the epitome of the perfect father... perfect sibling... just, perfect man.
Since his wife worked, he was in charge of taking care of the kids, and he was great at it.
Well, he decided it would be a great idea to take us all to "Great America" since we Vegas kiddies didn't have such a thing.
We rode rides (well, the ones my two-year-old ass could), ran around, all that good stuff. Mom was busy with the camera, thinking it would be a good idea to have the two men taking care of the children for the day while she snapped away with her beloved camera.
Cute idea, right?
Well, I guess that "professional" camera is also good at erasing memories... or just giving people really bad judgement... kind of like vodka.
The day turned out to be like some sort of sitcom episode where they have Dad A, the responsible, perfect daddy, and Dad B, the dad that... sort of has no clue, out and about in a theme park.
My dad was Dad B.... to the point where Dad A had to start taking care of us because Dad B was... bad (he gave it a good try... but with a spaz-tastic three year old son who loved to run all over the g'damn place... and a bitchy, cry-baby, I-hate-strangers!-Don't-even-look-at-me! two year old daughter, he was bound to give up... screw it if any one of us, or both of us, were later found dead, floating face-down in a ditch five miles away).

Anyway, let's fast forward to 2002... I think it was '02.
Brother came back to Vegas for some sort of holiday weekend that the army decided to give him, and since we were very emotional at that point, we were going through a phase of "let's look at old family albums!"
Well... we stumbled upon the Great America summer pictures... and I caught on to this shot:
Something looked off... aside from my messed up bangs (a couple of days before that shot, I had taken a pair of scissors to the bangs... trying to give myself a haircut... so I had to spend that trip looking like Chucky with my messed up, minute bangs).
Look at that! The seat-belt for the plane was just like the ones on the old Jeep... the ones you just click on your lap...
Then I looked at my brother's photo: Me: Mom... why is Older Brother wearing a neck brace?
Mom: What?
Me: That's... not...
(looks at my cousin's seat-belt PROPERLY strapped to his body)
Me: Oh my God! My dad wrapped the seat belt around Older Brother's neck!!
Older Brother: What?! Let me see!
(His face at this point is priceless... he looks appalled... sad... in disbelief... but also with the urge to laugh his ass off)
TravelinDin: Let me see!!

So we all sit around the photo album and take a glimpse...
The laughther lasted a good ten minutes... to the point where our stomachs hurt.
We asked my dad what he was thinking... and he said he couldn't remember...
Then we laughed some more... wondering what all the people present at the ride would think as my cousin and Older Brother's plane would pass by.
"OH MY GOD! That kid's seat belt is wrapped around his neck!!"
And why did the guy operating the ride allow that?!
What if there really was an accident?
Did they think a three year old boy was suicidal?
Why didn't they question the father what the hell he was trying to pull?

Man, so many thoughts... but we laughed with all of them.
Poor bro... he felt like crap for a while... but we eventually made him crack up.

I'm sure he still has that one lingering question though:
Why was my father trying to kill me?

j/k, we know he loves us in his strange way.