Nothing lets you know you're going to have a shitty day quite like a spider bite at nine in the morning.
I woke up by a sharp stinging sensation a little above my left knee. My hand was on its way to the knee before I knew what the hell was going on. My body seems to know when it's going to have to handle stupid arachnids with a taste for AnoMALIE blood.
Anyway, once my hand reached for my knee, I felt the little motherfucker under my pants, biting me.
I crushed the little bastard for a good minute... just grinding its mushy body between my fingers and pajama pants... hoping he wouldn't spring back into action... how can I be sure he hasn't been exposed to some awesome mutagen?
Fuck... do I really want to see what my leg looks like?
After the minute was up, I decided I had to check out the damage... and remove those fucking pants. I mean, what if that damn spider had his spider friends... or family... crawling all over the pants, getting ready to avenge their loved one's death?
I looked, and not only was there one bite... I had TWO. The larger bite being the one where I managed to murder the stupid intruder.
Someone has to explain this phenomenon to me.
WHY in the hell am I such spider bait? Am I destined to be the female version of Spiderman (SpiderWOman... yeah, ok)?
Mom gets all angry at me Do your fucking bed, AnoMALIE! Shake the fucking thing once in a while! But it's like... MOM! I clean my fucking covers so often, most of the designs on the sheets and pillow cases are ERASED! What more can I do? Douse myself in RAID every night? Grandpa did that once... and we all know how that turned out. Plus... it has been proven repeatedly that regardless of what house I sleep at, or what bed I'm in/on... if there's a fucking spider anywhere in the vicinity, the bitch finds me and bites me. Actually, I don't have to be sleeping... I can be sitting down, enjoying a night of COD or whatever the fuck, and next thing anyone knows, I'm yelping and reaching for my leg... or arm... or neck... Where the FUCK did that spider come from?! Clean your fucking house, pig! (JK, I never say that. I just yelp, cuss a little, then proceed with the mindless activity)
Those two bites mark the fourth on THAT leg in the last six months (yeah, I keep track).
The day only improved once I had an argument over contraceptives with Mom.
I mentioned how this new priest of ours is... he's a funny man... but he is often SO wrong on the things he tells the congregation. I told her how I damn near spoke up last night over the misinformation he was giving the congregation.
Last week he elicited the same reaction from me, when his sermon revolved around respecting our elders/parents. I'm not against respecting my elders/parents, that's a trait that was beaten into me as a kid (literally)... my problem arose when he mentioned how things go sour when we turn against our parents.
"There we have what is going on with Egypt. The president was... like their father... for so long... and then his children turned on him... and now... we have... all that... problem."
Me: Their DAD?! Ok, he was kinda like YOU (Mom), but that motherfucker was a DICTATOR! Not a DAD! What is this man telling these people?!
Mom: Good thing you didn't speak up! He knows you're my daughter.
Anyway, this time the issue was the ten commandments.
I was fine with what he was saying. He was on "Thou shall not kill."
He was mentioning how we not only kill people in the obvious bang-bang, stab-stab way... but that we can also kill people with some of the vicious things we may say about them.
Ok, good point. Keep going. I need to be out by 6:30 on the dot, sir.
Then he went on to how we kill people with contraceptives.
How WOMEN kill with their contraceptives (not MEN. He made no mention of condoms. So no enlightenment there. But of course, since this guy is A TAD BIT misogynistic, I'm sure he'd work that into being a woman's fault somehow).
It's obvious God isn't happy with this... since women get... cancers... bleed to death... all of that, all thanks to taking those contraceptives.
What kind of contraceptive is he talking about? Asbestos-coated wire hangers?!
Those pills KILL any child the woman may be carrying in her womb! She is KILLING HER CHILD! She forces the child out of her!
I've had this argument with people before... my own family members. They don't seem to comprehend the basics of the Pill and proceed to divulge misinformation as truth.
But this priest... he takes the cake!
He was on this very retarded diatribe against the basics of MENSTRUATION, that at one point (once my head started to hurt from shaking in disapproval for so long and so violently) I distracted myself by counting how many of MY "children" I have "murdered."
In this priest's eyes, I have killed 164 of my babies... I'm actually killing one right now.
No, I've never taken the morning after pill (which is NOT murder, if you ask me)... much less had an actual abortion (hell, I haven't even FUCKED and I'm already a killer? I just can't fucking win!). No, no, this man was making women believe EACH TIME we menstruate, we kill one of our potential kids.
I sat there calculating how many times I've menstruated in my life (TMI? I don't give a fuck! I'm making a point here!), and came up with my exact number.
Eat your heart out, Ted Bundy! I beat you by at least sixty.
Anyway, I argued over how WRONG it is of this guy, in so much power, to freak women out like that.
Mom told me I should watch my mouth... 'cause I was borderline blaspheming.
Tsk-tsk.
Like I've said before, I love my religion... when SMART people rule over me... but other times... it just makes me want to rip my hair out... and claw certain people's eyes out... regardless of what title they may hold (Oh man... I'm so sorry, God... but sometimes people make me SO angry!)
Believe it or not, my day got EVEN BETTER!
Mom told me who the mystery killer from yesterday's murder (or was it two days ago?) of Ivan. Remember this guy? Bingo. There you go. You have your killer.
...
....
Proves my point that I'm not a coldhearted cunt. My strong dislike/repulsion for this guy was justified (and not just because he killed puppies for fun).
I'm glad I only called him a retard that one time... "Fucking Asshole!" might have gotten me a new corbata (slitting of the throat, with the victim's tongue being pulled out of the slit--made to resemble a men's tie--while he/she bleeds to death, remember?).
This also proves that only fucking PSYCHOS are attracted to me.
... And people wonder why I refuse to get in a relationship... pfffffft!
I woke up by a sharp stinging sensation a little above my left knee. My hand was on its way to the knee before I knew what the hell was going on. My body seems to know when it's going to have to handle stupid arachnids with a taste for AnoMALIE blood.
Anyway, once my hand reached for my knee, I felt the little motherfucker under my pants, biting me.
I crushed the little bastard for a good minute... just grinding its mushy body between my fingers and pajama pants... hoping he wouldn't spring back into action... how can I be sure he hasn't been exposed to some awesome mutagen?
Fuck... do I really want to see what my leg looks like?
After the minute was up, I decided I had to check out the damage... and remove those fucking pants. I mean, what if that damn spider had his spider friends... or family... crawling all over the pants, getting ready to avenge their loved one's death?
I looked, and not only was there one bite... I had TWO. The larger bite being the one where I managed to murder the stupid intruder.
Someone has to explain this phenomenon to me.
WHY in the hell am I such spider bait? Am I destined to be the female version of Spiderman (SpiderWOman... yeah, ok)?
Mom gets all angry at me Do your fucking bed, AnoMALIE! Shake the fucking thing once in a while! But it's like... MOM! I clean my fucking covers so often, most of the designs on the sheets and pillow cases are ERASED! What more can I do? Douse myself in RAID every night? Grandpa did that once... and we all know how that turned out. Plus... it has been proven repeatedly that regardless of what house I sleep at, or what bed I'm in/on... if there's a fucking spider anywhere in the vicinity, the bitch finds me and bites me. Actually, I don't have to be sleeping... I can be sitting down, enjoying a night of COD or whatever the fuck, and next thing anyone knows, I'm yelping and reaching for my leg... or arm... or neck... Where the FUCK did that spider come from?! Clean your fucking house, pig! (JK, I never say that. I just yelp, cuss a little, then proceed with the mindless activity)
Those two bites mark the fourth on THAT leg in the last six months (yeah, I keep track).
The day only improved once I had an argument over contraceptives with Mom.
I mentioned how this new priest of ours is... he's a funny man... but he is often SO wrong on the things he tells the congregation. I told her how I damn near spoke up last night over the misinformation he was giving the congregation.
Last week he elicited the same reaction from me, when his sermon revolved around respecting our elders/parents. I'm not against respecting my elders/parents, that's a trait that was beaten into me as a kid (literally)... my problem arose when he mentioned how things go sour when we turn against our parents.
"There we have what is going on with Egypt. The president was... like their father... for so long... and then his children turned on him... and now... we have... all that... problem."
Me: Their DAD?! Ok, he was kinda like YOU (Mom), but that motherfucker was a DICTATOR! Not a DAD! What is this man telling these people?!
Mom: Good thing you didn't speak up! He knows you're my daughter.
Anyway, this time the issue was the ten commandments.
I was fine with what he was saying. He was on "Thou shall not kill."
He was mentioning how we not only kill people in the obvious bang-bang, stab-stab way... but that we can also kill people with some of the vicious things we may say about them.
Ok, good point. Keep going. I need to be out by 6:30 on the dot, sir.
Then he went on to how we kill people with contraceptives.
How WOMEN kill with their contraceptives (not MEN. He made no mention of condoms. So no enlightenment there. But of course, since this guy is A TAD BIT misogynistic, I'm sure he'd work that into being a woman's fault somehow).
It's obvious God isn't happy with this... since women get... cancers... bleed to death... all of that, all thanks to taking those contraceptives.
What kind of contraceptive is he talking about? Asbestos-coated wire hangers?!
Those pills KILL any child the woman may be carrying in her womb! She is KILLING HER CHILD! She forces the child out of her!
I've had this argument with people before... my own family members. They don't seem to comprehend the basics of the Pill and proceed to divulge misinformation as truth.
But this priest... he takes the cake!
He was on this very retarded diatribe against the basics of MENSTRUATION, that at one point (once my head started to hurt from shaking in disapproval for so long and so violently) I distracted myself by counting how many of MY "children" I have "murdered."
In this priest's eyes, I have killed 164 of my babies... I'm actually killing one right now.
No, I've never taken the morning after pill (which is NOT murder, if you ask me)... much less had an actual abortion (hell, I haven't even FUCKED and I'm already a killer? I just can't fucking win!). No, no, this man was making women believe EACH TIME we menstruate, we kill one of our potential kids.
I sat there calculating how many times I've menstruated in my life (TMI? I don't give a fuck! I'm making a point here!), and came up with my exact number.
Eat your heart out, Ted Bundy! I beat you by at least sixty.
Anyway, I argued over how WRONG it is of this guy, in so much power, to freak women out like that.
Mom told me I should watch my mouth... 'cause I was borderline blaspheming.
Tsk-tsk.
Like I've said before, I love my religion... when SMART people rule over me... but other times... it just makes me want to rip my hair out... and claw certain people's eyes out... regardless of what title they may hold (Oh man... I'm so sorry, God... but sometimes people make me SO angry!)
Believe it or not, my day got EVEN BETTER!
Mom told me who the mystery killer from yesterday's murder (or was it two days ago?) of Ivan. Remember this guy? Bingo. There you go. You have your killer.
...
....
Proves my point that I'm not a coldhearted cunt. My strong dislike/repulsion for this guy was justified (and not just because he killed puppies for fun).
I'm glad I only called him a retard that one time... "Fucking Asshole!" might have gotten me a new corbata (slitting of the throat, with the victim's tongue being pulled out of the slit--made to resemble a men's tie--while he/she bleeds to death, remember?).
This also proves that only fucking PSYCHOS are attracted to me.
... And people wonder why I refuse to get in a relationship... pfffffft!
2 comments:
He did it?! I thought he was just missing.
the guys say he was the last person seen with him. When they went to go interrogate him, he had already left town.
That fucking creep.
Post a Comment