I went to bed frazzled as fuck...
Then I woke up to see something that still cracks me up... even just thinking about it.
So, the twelve year old boy is attached to me. I learned how to get him to chill the fuck out and quit pissing me off: toss money at him.
Aside from giving him money (no, seriously... he rummaged through my WALLET... which... at the age of twelve... I NEVER did that... that shit would get my fucking hands slapped so hard I'd lose feeling in them for days), I also play Donkey Kong and Super Mario with him... and not to toot my own horn, but I murder at those games.
Anyway, the boy now thinks I'm pretty legit.
These last two days I've been sleeping on the floor in my parent's bedroom (each night I brace myself to wake up to some traumatic shit, but so far, the only thing that has woken me up is the arctic temperature my parents keep in that room). By the time I wake up and work my way towards the room where everyone is hanging out, it tends to be pretty late.
I woke up to some serious laughter.
Why the cackles? Because the 12 year old tried shaving his face this morning.
With MY razor.
You can imagine the sight.
Kid... you're lucky that razor is reserved for my calves...
All morning long, each time I looked at his chin I'd bust out into a chuckle.
What didn't make me chuckle was the fucking chastising I STILL received this morning.
This time, my aunt was the one giving me a talk about how "you don't do" what I "did."
Her parents were worried sick. She's nine years old. That was so irresponsible. What were you thinking?
First of all, I DON'T hang out with kids. I don't know how to handle kids. I DON'T LIKE kids. Second, you guys MADE ME take her with me when I was clearly only intending to take my 20 year old cousin to SUGAR FACTORY. Third, that fucking little heifer was the one throwing a fucking hissy fit at Sugar Factory about "I want M&M WORLD!" I don't know how to handle spoiled, idiotic twats (aside from slapping the shit out of their mouths and telling them to "act right!" But that would have gotten me in trouble in such a public area as the Las Vegas strip), so I did what she wanted in order to get her to shut the fuck up. Last, you of all people, should know this damn kid embellishes the fuck out of her stories. I got this after talking to her for five minutes... you've dealt with her for nine years, you should know this and take it easy on me.
Of course I didn't say what I was thinking... I just wanted the fucking conversation to end. I apologized, said I thought it was going to be a quicker trip (which I DID... but these kids were more indecisive than I am), and that I was very sorry I upset her parents like that (which I was... but when I say "I'm going to the Paris casino to get 20yearold some Sugar Factory," they should have known this was going to take some damn time... they should also know of their child's manipulative nature).
But... again... all I have to do is think of my cousin's bleeding chin, and I crack up.