Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Muero lento

My kindergarten memory rushed to mind the moment I woke up on the floor.

I've told this story before: I was in kindergarten, it was Mother's Day, we had all made roses out of tissue paper. I remember my rose was red, and in the little paper vase I had decorated.
For some reason, I felt very sentimental... and panicked when I realized I missed my mom.
I cried so hard, I passed out. I later woke up surrounded by my classmates, and teacher holding my head.

I do that when emotionally distressed. I mostly pass out the day after I receive news that pisses me off, but I convince myself to bottle up... to "get over." I act cool when the news hits me... but the next day, I find I pass out all over the place.

Today, I was feeling shitty at the gym, but dismissed it as the fucking stupid cold my idiot brother gave me.
As I was doing the final stretches for the day, as I was laying myself of the floor, in the deadman's pose after crawling out of the child's pose... I felt lightheaded and knocked out.
I woke up as I heard my instructor calling out my name and asking if I was ok. She was about to walk over to me when I woke up.

I thought I was fine for the rest of the day, but then my condition worsened, to the point where I projectile vomited a few minutes ago.

Last night... was a terrible night.
I tried laughing it off... but given my physical state today, it's obvious something is bothering me more than I'd like to admit.

I haven't cried. I CAN'T. I'm just... so confused.
People think I'm dramatic, but I swear, the shit that happens to me is... I just can't believe it happens. It's insane... so motherfucking IMPROBABLE... yet it happens.

I'll elaborate... I'll write a story about this, but for now, I have to sleep. I feel like my exterior is going to match my interior: dead.

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