God has a really jacked up "sense of humor."
I usually see this going on with other people (them having a crappy day where everything is going wrong in the most ironic ways), and I tend to be of the "laugh it off" crowd...
BUT MAN!
Today is supposed to be about luck and all that Irish bologna... well, not for me. It was the total opposite.
I wasn't going to write today, because I don't remember ever being this upset before. Well... "upset" is a little too strong. I'm... bummed.
I tried cheering up, or at least numbing the pain by killing it at the gym.
No matter how much I pushed myself... I was still heartbroken and ready to cry at the slightest provocation.
I was jump-squatting, wanting to cry from heartbreak, and not because my glutes and hamstrings were wanting to murder me.
I was pelvic-tilting telling myself to "get it together, AnoMALIE!" instead of my usual "I'm going to murder whoever invented these things!"
You're on to something, hamstrings... maybe someone SHOULD murder me!
Reason for being upset?
As many can probably guess by now, I heard back from NYU. AND Stanford. Bad news, obviously.
Stanford was first. It didn't... upset me much. Why? Because I wouldn't be getting a degree from there in the first place. They only offer a fellowship. It STILL would have been awesome... but it kiiinda seems like a slight waste of time. Kind of (I still would have given my right ovary for it).
Their rejection letter was a lot nicer than Cornell... by at least three times.
Then came the horrific NYU e-mail. This one DID mess me up. I was shaking :(
They were SO SO SO nice in the letter, referring to me by my name and all that junk... but it was still really, really sad.
What sucks is that they were supposed to contact me late-February... so the fact that they were holding out on me until MID-MARCH was freakin' heartless... giving me false hope and all that crap only a really mean, abusive boyfriend does to a girl.
I'm not gonna lie... this rejection made me cry (in the shower, but still, I CRIED. I don't CRY over schools).
What I did find solace in was the fact that VERY FEW people know about this endeavor of mine. Because hearing people pity me is THE WORST thing for me. Pity is... despicable in my book. Please, never ever pity me. Just make me laugh and forget. That's all I ask. Leave the crying and lamentations to me and the privacy of my room late at night where I can sob away without anyone hearing or seeing that pity party of ONE.
The toughest part was telling Mom.
I promised my folks that if no schools take me, I'll give up on this real love of mine and just turn into the robot they want me to be, and dedicate my life to science.
AnoMALIE + Science = Dead Inside.
Don't get me wrong, I do love science, and it entertains me... but dedicate my life to it? Blah. It makes me miserable. It's hard to love something I'm forced on to... whether it's shrimp (unless it's in sushi. ONLY exception), pineapple (NEVER an exception. NEVER. I'll punch anyone who "tricks" me into tasting it. It's the most DISGUSTING flavor in the UNIVERSE), or science (complicated relationship. That's as best as I can describe this one)... I harbor resentment for the thing and will gag at the thought.
Anyway, Mom was oddly supportive. She didn't pity me at all. She just said "Ohhhhhhh well! Forget them!"
Heck yeah, "forget them!" At least I won't spend a ridiculous amount of dough to rent a place in the city... not to mention the tuition... on a degree that... doesn't get you much, right? And then the climate out there... PUKE! But... it WOULD have been cool to represent that school. Honestly. I won't kid about that part.
So, now I just have one shot.
Rafa: So what schools did you apply to again?
Me: Stanford, NYU, Cornell, and UNLV.
Rafa: ... and UNLV is just your "safety school," right?
Me: No. It's my dream school, actually.
Rafa: You're WACK, buster!
How quickly dreams get destroyed.
It strengthens my reluctance to EVER talk to anyone about my plans, hopes, and dreams. Is it making sense now? Am I excused for punching the next jackass who asks me what I'm up to, or is that still considered a no-no?
I'm not crying anymore. I'm just really freakin' demoralized.
(AND I STILL CAN'T/HAVEN'T CUSSED! I hate how this is all working out this way! THIS GIRL NEEDS to cuss!)
I usually see this going on with other people (them having a crappy day where everything is going wrong in the most ironic ways), and I tend to be of the "laugh it off" crowd...
BUT MAN!
Today is supposed to be about luck and all that Irish bologna... well, not for me. It was the total opposite.
I wasn't going to write today, because I don't remember ever being this upset before. Well... "upset" is a little too strong. I'm... bummed.
I tried cheering up, or at least numbing the pain by killing it at the gym.
No matter how much I pushed myself... I was still heartbroken and ready to cry at the slightest provocation.
I was jump-squatting, wanting to cry from heartbreak, and not because my glutes and hamstrings were wanting to murder me.
I was pelvic-tilting telling myself to "get it together, AnoMALIE!" instead of my usual "I'm going to murder whoever invented these things!"
You're on to something, hamstrings... maybe someone SHOULD murder me!
Reason for being upset?
As many can probably guess by now, I heard back from NYU. AND Stanford. Bad news, obviously.
Stanford was first. It didn't... upset me much. Why? Because I wouldn't be getting a degree from there in the first place. They only offer a fellowship. It STILL would have been awesome... but it kiiinda seems like a slight waste of time. Kind of (I still would have given my right ovary for it).
Their rejection letter was a lot nicer than Cornell... by at least three times.
Then came the horrific NYU e-mail. This one DID mess me up. I was shaking :(
They were SO SO SO nice in the letter, referring to me by my name and all that junk... but it was still really, really sad.
What sucks is that they were supposed to contact me late-February... so the fact that they were holding out on me until MID-MARCH was freakin' heartless... giving me false hope and all that crap only a really mean, abusive boyfriend does to a girl.
I'm not gonna lie... this rejection made me cry (in the shower, but still, I CRIED. I don't CRY over schools).
What I did find solace in was the fact that VERY FEW people know about this endeavor of mine. Because hearing people pity me is THE WORST thing for me. Pity is... despicable in my book. Please, never ever pity me. Just make me laugh and forget. That's all I ask. Leave the crying and lamentations to me and the privacy of my room late at night where I can sob away without anyone hearing or seeing that pity party of ONE.
The toughest part was telling Mom.
I promised my folks that if no schools take me, I'll give up on this real love of mine and just turn into the robot they want me to be, and dedicate my life to science.
AnoMALIE + Science = Dead Inside.
Don't get me wrong, I do love science, and it entertains me... but dedicate my life to it? Blah. It makes me miserable. It's hard to love something I'm forced on to... whether it's shrimp (unless it's in sushi. ONLY exception), pineapple (NEVER an exception. NEVER. I'll punch anyone who "tricks" me into tasting it. It's the most DISGUSTING flavor in the UNIVERSE), or science (complicated relationship. That's as best as I can describe this one)... I harbor resentment for the thing and will gag at the thought.
Anyway, Mom was oddly supportive. She didn't pity me at all. She just said "Ohhhhhhh well! Forget them!"
Heck yeah, "forget them!" At least I won't spend a ridiculous amount of dough to rent a place in the city... not to mention the tuition... on a degree that... doesn't get you much, right? And then the climate out there... PUKE! But... it WOULD have been cool to represent that school. Honestly. I won't kid about that part.
So, now I just have one shot.
Rafa: So what schools did you apply to again?
Me: Stanford, NYU, Cornell, and UNLV.
Rafa: ... and UNLV is just your "safety school," right?
Me: No. It's my dream school, actually.
Rafa: You're WACK, buster!
How quickly dreams get destroyed.
It strengthens my reluctance to EVER talk to anyone about my plans, hopes, and dreams. Is it making sense now? Am I excused for punching the next jackass who asks me what I'm up to, or is that still considered a no-no?
I'm not crying anymore. I'm just really freakin' demoralized.
(AND I STILL CAN'T/HAVEN'T CUSSED! I hate how this is all working out this way! THIS GIRL NEEDS to cuss!)
4 comments:
Sell your stories through kindle. I can set it up for you. Have you read about the people writing 10 pages things.. selling them for a .25 because people like a bargain and... turning out profits in the 10-20k range? Fuck those schools rejections. NYU probably had you on an alternate list.
I think you will get into UNLV though, graduating from there helps. I think having that someone on your side is a good thing, since someone in the program actually knows you.
Keep writing. Don't 'give up.' EVER. I hate to sound like a motivational speaker, but I'm serious. You could turn your blog into a book.. easily.
But I like "Motivational Speaker Kelley." :)
You've always been one of the very, VERY few to support me in this. It's the main reason why I even tried. I just told myself that if at least ONE person believed in me, I'd go for it... I just can't kill the optimist in me.
Now I just have to deal with the "I told you so" from like... everyone I have to make eye-contact with. The price I have to pay for being such a big dreamer. The precipice is always steeper than anticipated.
Thank you for your words. They help. I didn't think I'd be THIS devastated over rejection... but nothing I've experienced can really compare to how I feel right now. I prefer "romantic" rejection ten thousand times over this.
Sorry for being such a downer... I'm just... lost :(
It's pretty cool that you even applied, instead of, you know, going into something you don't enjoy as much because you know it'll be easier to make a living.
I've been rejected by Stanford twice. Also twice by Harvard. Actually, I've been rejected by all the schools I've ever applied to, for both undergrad and grad school (I wouldn't say I "applied" to UNLV, it was more of a you can come here if you want sort of offer).
Fortunately, you can always write. Hope you hear some good news from UNLV.
You actually popped into my head when I got the Stanford e-mail... your "Stanford sucks" warning, to be exact. I might make myself a shirt that says that now.
I had never dealt with rejection letters. Rough stuff. I don't know how you handled that (was it the thought of picking fruit in New Zealand that kept you going? jk)... my respects!
Thanks for the kind words, Jesse.
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