Silence

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt."

I'm changing my "no cheese" Lent promise.
I'm no longer speaking.
I'm done with that.

I'm sick and tired of being misinterpreted.
Maybe I should stop interacting with such IMBECILES.

Once again, I landed in trouble for opening my mouth.
It wasn't even something... I wasn't... I wasn't being opinionated. AT ALL.
These were my EXACT WORDS: 

I'm very sorry for your loss, *Girl*. Your gramps always made me laugh.

Ok. So what was so malicious about that?
I said the truth: this girl's grandfather would make me laugh. I would see him at picnics in Hometown over the summers, and I'd always listen in on what he would say. His conversation was entertaining.
I. Would. Laugh. Just like everyone in the vicinity... just like he intended.

Of course, as is ALWAYS my case, my words were misconstrued to mean I laughed AT HIM.
The entire family is now 1- mad at me 2- not speaking to me.

I kept telling myself this was all in my head.
But today *Girl* humiliated me PUBLICLY, the absolute worst thing anyone can do to a timid person.

I'm not going to sit here and act like I was strong and defended myself.
I was caught off guard... so I cried.
The girl is a sweetheart, which is another reason why I was so surprised by her behavior. I'm usually rarely shocked when a person known for cattiness or rude behavior lashes out (which is rare in the first place, since I purposely avoid those people, or refuse to speak in their presence).

I spent the rest of the day trying to cheer up and forget about the situation. When I saw that wasn't working (although I did have many laughs with D and Rafa when we went out for lunch. My siblings are hilarious), I slept.


This is a prime example of why:
1. I DON'T speak.
2. I DETEST apologies.

Yes, I write a lot HERE... but no one in my real life reads it (with the exception of a few). It's an outlet. I can't just sit there and listen/deal with all the drama and BOLOGNA without venting about it somewhere. But to have me speak up and intentionally hurt someone is something I've done very few times in my life.
The ease with which others hurt me... and the malice with which they do it... scares me. I can say that in all the instances where others have humiliated me or have been cruel to me, I've deserved it TWICE. All the other times, which I've completely lost track of, have been... misunderstandings. I'm then left to deal with "apologies."
I'm supposed to forget the humiliation, the tears, the mean words... and go back to being nice... all with the uttering of one very STUPID word.
No.
NO.
NO!

When you crush someone's... soul... all because you're too STUPID to comprehend what is actually being said, and you go on a rampage and destroy someone's reputation... someone's sense of self-worth... you DON'T deserve to be forgiven.
You were an IMBECILE... pay the consequences.

I'm telling myself it's only a matter of time before she realizes what a mistake she committed, but it still feels like I've swallowed a gallon of battery acid.
To think... so many people now think I'm such a monster...
It's hard to live with that.

I'm a sweetheart. I promise, I promise, I promise. But I hate having to continuously prove it to others, then appear to be gracious when accepting an apology after being repeatedly falsely accused.

I'll go back to only smiling and looking at the floor, now... since speaking only gets me deeper in trouble.
There will be plenty of people who will forget the sound of my voice.