Using only one hand, I can count how many times a wish has come true for me... actually, I can use no hands.
I've always been optimistic, and cheerful. As terrible as a situation may be, my heart always gives me this retarded hope that things will get better... that things will go my way some day.
I've always thought that.
Even if not a single one of my wishes has ever come true (CURSE YOU, WALT DISNEY!!!).
Why mention this now?
I got UNLV's e-mail.
It was the stupidest rejection letter of all.
It came with a freakin' "PS" for crying out loud (the PS was to tell me that I'm getting ANOTHER rejection notification on the MyUNLV website thing-a-majig. That one will be the "official" rejection. The e-mail was just a "ok, you can quit worrying now" notification, I suppose. Gee... thanks?)!
This happened yesterday, but so many terrible things happened yesterday, this e-mail was only the final slap to my face that I needed for the day.
I was upset from the very beginning because Mom, Sister, and I had a heated argument that broke out because (this is SO embarrassing, but it goes to show how estrogen messes up a household. I hate being a girl) Sister broke my soap (see, I told you). I wasn't the one who lost my head, Sister did. I was in the bathroom, about to shower when I saw my soap in smithereens on the tub floor. I said "WHAT THE HELL?" Sister asked "What?" I asked her why she just neglected my bar of soap like that... and she went ballistic on me (she only grows balls when she can't see me. Had I not been behind a door, in my underwear, I would have been in her face, chewing her out like a staff sergeant).
Mom then got involved, started screaming like.... a mental patient... and she said something that got to me, so what did I do? I told her how I felt. No, I TOLD HER HOW I FELT. I did the same with sister... although how I feel towards her is completely different (I told Mom about my suicidal thoughts--yeah, it got that bad-- but not before telling D how I feel she no longer treats me like a sister).
SO... yesterday was a very tough day for me.
Tears were just rolling down my cheeks regardless of where I was or who was around:
I'd be sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea with Mom, and tears would just start to roll.
I was washing dishes, and I'd catch a glimpse of my reflection in the window, and I'd start sniffling and the heaviest tears in the universe would just plop down into the sink.... I probably could have cleaned the dishes with my tears.
I'd be watching The Bad Girls Club and the tears in my eyes would sting (My future!! I'm going to end up in some TV show because of my anger management problems! I USED TO BE SMART!).
I did my nightly prayer and started to cry then as well (I should just go to a convent and become a nun! But I don't even like to pray... I'm not even good for THAT!).
My eyes were swollen all day yesterday and part of today.
However... that stupid optimistic girl in me came out today.
Sister, Mom, and I patched things up over lunch.
Mooney and my future godson then made me giggle for the evening.
I had a long over-due favorite beer to end my day.
How am I now?
Eh. I'm ok.
I'm still more confused than ever before (I was so upset yesterday, I went out and started applying for jobs... then I looked up volunteering opportunities. I was so... upset). Big time.
But... I'm not crying any more. So that's a positive, right?
Plus, I now get to take that "I'm a %$@*ing LOSER!" tour. Not too shabby... I guess (especially considering the only time I've felt *truly* happy has been the time I spent in Spain. Nothing compares to the way that place made feel).
I've always been optimistic, and cheerful. As terrible as a situation may be, my heart always gives me this retarded hope that things will get better... that things will go my way some day.
I've always thought that.
Even if not a single one of my wishes has ever come true (CURSE YOU, WALT DISNEY!!!).
Why mention this now?
I got UNLV's e-mail.
It was the stupidest rejection letter of all.
It came with a freakin' "PS" for crying out loud (the PS was to tell me that I'm getting ANOTHER rejection notification on the MyUNLV website thing-a-majig. That one will be the "official" rejection. The e-mail was just a "ok, you can quit worrying now" notification, I suppose. Gee... thanks?)!
This happened yesterday, but so many terrible things happened yesterday, this e-mail was only the final slap to my face that I needed for the day.
I was upset from the very beginning because Mom, Sister, and I had a heated argument that broke out because (this is SO embarrassing, but it goes to show how estrogen messes up a household. I hate being a girl) Sister broke my soap (see, I told you). I wasn't the one who lost my head, Sister did. I was in the bathroom, about to shower when I saw my soap in smithereens on the tub floor. I said "WHAT THE HELL?" Sister asked "What?" I asked her why she just neglected my bar of soap like that... and she went ballistic on me (she only grows balls when she can't see me. Had I not been behind a door, in my underwear, I would have been in her face, chewing her out like a staff sergeant).
Mom then got involved, started screaming like.... a mental patient... and she said something that got to me, so what did I do? I told her how I felt. No, I TOLD HER HOW I FELT. I did the same with sister... although how I feel towards her is completely different (I told Mom about my suicidal thoughts--yeah, it got that bad-- but not before telling D how I feel she no longer treats me like a sister).
SO... yesterday was a very tough day for me.
Tears were just rolling down my cheeks regardless of where I was or who was around:
I'd be sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea with Mom, and tears would just start to roll.
I was washing dishes, and I'd catch a glimpse of my reflection in the window, and I'd start sniffling and the heaviest tears in the universe would just plop down into the sink.... I probably could have cleaned the dishes with my tears.
I'd be watching The Bad Girls Club and the tears in my eyes would sting (My future!! I'm going to end up in some TV show because of my anger management problems! I USED TO BE SMART!).
I did my nightly prayer and started to cry then as well (I should just go to a convent and become a nun! But I don't even like to pray... I'm not even good for THAT!).
My eyes were swollen all day yesterday and part of today.
However... that stupid optimistic girl in me came out today.
Sister, Mom, and I patched things up over lunch.
Mooney and my future godson then made me giggle for the evening.
I had a long over-due favorite beer to end my day.
How am I now?
Eh. I'm ok.
I'm still more confused than ever before (I was so upset yesterday, I went out and started applying for jobs... then I looked up volunteering opportunities. I was so... upset). Big time.
But... I'm not crying any more. So that's a positive, right?
Plus, I now get to take that "I'm a %$@*ing LOSER!" tour. Not too shabby... I guess (especially considering the only time I've felt *truly* happy has been the time I spent in Spain. Nothing compares to the way that place made feel).
1 comment:
I'm sorry. I don't think you should give up on writing. I would go bananas and write until I sold something, take a picture, send it to the alumni association and say fuck you.
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