The answers to yesterday's quiz are as follows:
Guess what!
You were bitten by another bastard spider.
Yeah, but where?
Your inner left thigh.
Yes! How'd you guess?!
Because those *expletive of your choice. Creative ones get extra credit* always harass the hell out of you, regardless of where you may be. Inner left thigh because that was the most painful spot I could think of... and knowing you, something like that WOULD happen to you.
Sucks, right?!
It sucks so bad, I would exterminate all the arachnids in this world for you, just so it never happens again.
Needless to say, I've been limping around like a pirate with a peg leg since yesterday. And when I have to piss? JESUS CHRIST! I'm inches away from going to the doctor and asking for a urinary catheter (TMI? I DON'T CARE! Dramatic? Suck it!).
Sleeping was also a drag. I couldn't let my injured thigh touch the other one. It was pretty difficult, considering most humans are unconscious when asleep... and my preferred sleeping position is the fetal position.
I only share this because it's stuff I've never taken into consideration before. I never sat there and though "Yo, AnoMALIE, so... what would you do if one morning you woke up a total gimp due to a spider bite?" Umm... I guess... I would... have to change how I sleep, wouldn't I? And... I'd... definitely not be able to take a comfortable piss, that's for sure!
Well, that pain was more of an issue yesterday.
Today I woke up with my leg being a little better... so I went for a hike.
Ha! I just love treating myself badly.
Nah, the pain wasn't too bad at the start of the hike, plus, the weather (cloudy with occasional sprinkles) was awesome. The smell was... mmmmm... wet dirt makes me happy. My left thigh could have been impaled by an arrow and I'd still be happy with the smell of wet dirt.
Anyway, the hike made me so happy, I convinced myself I was good to hit the gym and lift.
I was too upset over having to lower all of my weight (except for squats. My blessed, injured thunder thighs are good for something-- besides being good spider bait, of course) by at least ten pounds (for reasons I'm sure I'll discuss later in the month) to care about my horrifically injured thigh.
That's where my day went downhill.
After putting all the weights away, I looked into the mirror to readjust my hair into a neater ponytail (I look beyond disheveled after working out). As I was scooping my hair back, I misjudged the distance of my hand to my neck and damn near slashed my left carotid artery with my left thumb (what is it with the left side of my body?). It was a sensation that made me double over in pain (and that dismemberment video from that notorious blog was the first thought to rush to my head). I still can't touch it, to tell you the truth... it hurts, but it also grosses me out.
After that, I came home and lo and behold, who's at my house?
My dad's real-estate agent... guy with whom my dad is trying to hook-up either one of us (D or me).
I was messy... with my busted carotid artery... my limp... and Dad still forced me to greet Ivan (we hadn't formally met), per Ivan's request.
So uncomfortable. I felt like a slave being sold at auction.
Sure, her hair is a nappy mess right now, but she never goes out without straightening it. Just look how long it is! And she has... that weird red gash on her neck, but I assure you she's NOT suicidal... it must have been the seatbelt of her car. Sure, she's sweaty right now... but did you know she goes to the gym and can bench-press her weight... which is... OPPPPP! Stop right there, sir! ENOUGH!
So, ladies and gentlemen... looks like my dad has finally lost his patience with me and is trying to marry me off.
Hopefully he finds a more tactful way of doing it (trying to marry me off, that is).
Don't worry, I'll invite all of you to my wedding... so one of you can abduct me before I walk down the aisle.
Guess what!
You were bitten by another bastard spider.
Yeah, but where?
Your inner left thigh.
Yes! How'd you guess?!
Because those *expletive of your choice. Creative ones get extra credit* always harass the hell out of you, regardless of where you may be. Inner left thigh because that was the most painful spot I could think of... and knowing you, something like that WOULD happen to you.
Sucks, right?!
It sucks so bad, I would exterminate all the arachnids in this world for you, just so it never happens again.
Needless to say, I've been limping around like a pirate with a peg leg since yesterday. And when I have to piss? JESUS CHRIST! I'm inches away from going to the doctor and asking for a urinary catheter (TMI? I DON'T CARE! Dramatic? Suck it!).
Sleeping was also a drag. I couldn't let my injured thigh touch the other one. It was pretty difficult, considering most humans are unconscious when asleep... and my preferred sleeping position is the fetal position.
I only share this because it's stuff I've never taken into consideration before. I never sat there and though "Yo, AnoMALIE, so... what would you do if one morning you woke up a total gimp due to a spider bite?" Umm... I guess... I would... have to change how I sleep, wouldn't I? And... I'd... definitely not be able to take a comfortable piss, that's for sure!
Well, that pain was more of an issue yesterday.
Today I woke up with my leg being a little better... so I went for a hike.
Ha! I just love treating myself badly.
Nah, the pain wasn't too bad at the start of the hike, plus, the weather (cloudy with occasional sprinkles) was awesome. The smell was... mmmmm... wet dirt makes me happy. My left thigh could have been impaled by an arrow and I'd still be happy with the smell of wet dirt.
Anyway, the hike made me so happy, I convinced myself I was good to hit the gym and lift.
I was too upset over having to lower all of my weight (except for squats. My blessed, injured thunder thighs are good for something-- besides being good spider bait, of course) by at least ten pounds (for reasons I'm sure I'll discuss later in the month) to care about my horrifically injured thigh.
That's where my day went downhill.
After putting all the weights away, I looked into the mirror to readjust my hair into a neater ponytail (I look beyond disheveled after working out). As I was scooping my hair back, I misjudged the distance of my hand to my neck and damn near slashed my left carotid artery with my left thumb (what is it with the left side of my body?). It was a sensation that made me double over in pain (and that dismemberment video from that notorious blog was the first thought to rush to my head). I still can't touch it, to tell you the truth... it hurts, but it also grosses me out.
After that, I came home and lo and behold, who's at my house?
My dad's real-estate agent... guy with whom my dad is trying to hook-up either one of us (D or me).
I was messy... with my busted carotid artery... my limp... and Dad still forced me to greet Ivan (we hadn't formally met), per Ivan's request.
So uncomfortable. I felt like a slave being sold at auction.
Sure, her hair is a nappy mess right now, but she never goes out without straightening it. Just look how long it is! And she has... that weird red gash on her neck, but I assure you she's NOT suicidal... it must have been the seatbelt of her car. Sure, she's sweaty right now... but did you know she goes to the gym and can bench-press her weight... which is... OPPPPP! Stop right there, sir! ENOUGH!
So, ladies and gentlemen... looks like my dad has finally lost his patience with me and is trying to marry me off.
Hopefully he finds a more tactful way of doing it (trying to marry me off, that is).
Don't worry, I'll invite all of you to my wedding... so one of you can abduct me before I walk down the aisle.
No comments:
Post a Comment