Nothing lets you know what a fucking dumb cunt you've been quite like a frantic phone call from a belligerent friend.
I know she has been driving me crazy these last few weeks... and I know we've had some terrible bumps along the road... but few things have broken my heart as strongly as (technically) yesterday morning's phone call from Pacemaker.
Her father was diagnosed with... what I think is terminal cancer. His birthday was the previous day, and today is her birthday.
I was sitting at the table, pouring the milk in my cereal when I saw she was calling me.
When I answered, I did not understand much of what she was saying... and I felt like an asshole asking her to repeat herself.
She'd muddle the important stuff... which I'm sure were the hardest things for her to say... she was sobbing the whole time, but she'd get belligerent, incoherent, whenever she had to say words like "tumors" "doctors" "serious" "hospital" "Dad" "bad news" and, well, "cancer" was... that one was probably the wildest.
I just sat there, mouth wide open... left hand holding the phone, right hand over my mouth.
"I'm so sorry, chiquita... I'm... so.. sorry... Oh my god..."
Reminded me of when I told Kelley about my dad's diagnosis, how I was violently chewing down on my gum, trying not to cry as she drove us to her band practice... but the moment the word "cancer" left my lips, the hottest, heaviest tears dropped.
That fucking word is terrifying. It's hideous. It fucking sucks.
I haven't been able to think about anything other than that...
I even hurt the fucking shit out of my lower back because I wasn't concentrating at all as I lifted at the gym. Fucking stupid mistake... but... I can't really function when I know my friends are hurting like that.
...
I don't know what to do, really... I'm pretty much keeping mum and giving it a few days before calling Pacemaker and seeing how she and her dad are doing... though I am texting her in a bit to wish her a happy birthday... which is awkward... 'cause how can your birthday be happy when your dad's dying in the hospital?
Poor girl.
I sure hope I heard wrong...
I know she has been driving me crazy these last few weeks... and I know we've had some terrible bumps along the road... but few things have broken my heart as strongly as (technically) yesterday morning's phone call from Pacemaker.
Her father was diagnosed with... what I think is terminal cancer. His birthday was the previous day, and today is her birthday.
I was sitting at the table, pouring the milk in my cereal when I saw she was calling me.
When I answered, I did not understand much of what she was saying... and I felt like an asshole asking her to repeat herself.
She'd muddle the important stuff... which I'm sure were the hardest things for her to say... she was sobbing the whole time, but she'd get belligerent, incoherent, whenever she had to say words like "tumors" "doctors" "serious" "hospital" "Dad" "bad news" and, well, "cancer" was... that one was probably the wildest.
I just sat there, mouth wide open... left hand holding the phone, right hand over my mouth.
"I'm so sorry, chiquita... I'm... so.. sorry... Oh my god..."
Reminded me of when I told Kelley about my dad's diagnosis, how I was violently chewing down on my gum, trying not to cry as she drove us to her band practice... but the moment the word "cancer" left my lips, the hottest, heaviest tears dropped.
That fucking word is terrifying. It's hideous. It fucking sucks.
I haven't been able to think about anything other than that...
I even hurt the fucking shit out of my lower back because I wasn't concentrating at all as I lifted at the gym. Fucking stupid mistake... but... I can't really function when I know my friends are hurting like that.
...
I don't know what to do, really... I'm pretty much keeping mum and giving it a few days before calling Pacemaker and seeing how she and her dad are doing... though I am texting her in a bit to wish her a happy birthday... which is awkward... 'cause how can your birthday be happy when your dad's dying in the hospital?
Poor girl.
I sure hope I heard wrong...
2 comments:
Hopefully it isn't terminal and unfortunately it seems that everyone will have to deal with someone they love having cancer at some point :(
so sad... but so true. And here I thought I'd one day be helping find a cure...
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