Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Zombies? Fuuuuuck!

So uh...
Looks like that zombie apocalypse is really upon us, isn't it?
Guess I know what I'm doing this summer:
Fuckin'!

To hell with selling my virginity on eBay, there ain't enough time for that shit!
Let's get this show on the motherfucking road!

...
Ok, I'm kidding.

I always had this scenario run through my head.
Dad has always been of that "Christ is coming!" mentality... that's all his fucking church preaches, so of course, the man traumatized the shit out of me as a kid.
But... Dad... I'm only five... I want to live! It's cool that God is coming back to reclaim us and take us to heaven and all that... but I want to... I want to grow up and have all the experiences you had. At least let me hold a boy's hand before I have to go be an angel in heaven or whatever!
I always wondered what I would do if I were given the news that the world was REALLY ending.
I can remember about four "close calls" where I'd see the stupid pseudo-news on Univision:

1. There was this solar eclipse back in 1991 or something like that, and I remember being in Mexico. We spent the day indoors, with my mom's sister and her kids... and we just... stayed there and played around the whole day. To me it was fun, but little did I know Mom and Auntie were shitting bricks being cavewomen thinking this eclipse would bring about the end of the world.
Ahhh, simple minds.

2. There was that one time when those meteors hit Jupiter... that was like... 1994. People were making a big deal about that... freaking out wondering "what if the chunks it blows off Jupiter hit Earth?!"
Fucking idiots.

3. Then there was that time in 1999 (look at that, I rhymed! Get me a record deal, I'm already better than Lil Wayne). 9/9/99... when the antichrist was going to be born or something like that? No antichrist, but my mom turned 39 that day...

4. In the year 2000! In the year 2000! How can anyone forget this shit?

Each time, my concerns were:
1. 1991: But... I'll never have a baby!!!
2. 1994: But... I want to graduate high school!
3. 1999: I don't give a fuck! Let it happen. Fuck this shit.
4. 2000: Well, looks like I'm never gonna fuck. Cool.

Now, with this zombie apocalypse looming, all I'm really thinking is:
Good thing I have that hand-to-hand combat shit down. Dibs on the machetes.

...
Yeah, ok, and I might just fuck a few dudes here and there.
(No. No, I won't.)

6 comments:

Mooney said...

You're like the 3rd person to write/take photos/freak out/meh about the zombie apocalypse. My friends visited the store today. Lame....lol. That means I'll be eaten first! :D

AnoMALIE said...

lmao! No you won't, at least not with the hand-to-hand combating skills your pops possesses! lmao

I saw when the story first broke and immediately thought "How fucking gross!" but then my FB news feed was saturated with zombie apocalypse shit and I was like "Oh yeah, huh? That is kinda creepy... if you don't think of it as a medical issue..." Decided to have fun with it, I guess... haha

AnoMALIE said...

p.s. the thought of more people taking the drug and turning into violent, super strong cannibals DOES frighten me, though... they need to check that shit!

Kelley Karas said...

gun time?

Native Minnow said...

You should get to fuckin' - it's fun times

;-)

AnoMALIE said...

until I get emotionally attached and want to jump off a bridge once the dude rejects me, right? :/