Stare Down

Recently, I've been getting weird looks from my mom.

She has this stare... that bugs me... because it's weird.

AnoMALIE's Mom's various Stares:

"Don't you fucking do it!" Stare.

This shit has been working since I was a toddler. I swear to God her eyes change color when she shoots me this look. Stops anyone in his/her tracks. 

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Stare.

Few things make me feel like an idiot as much as this stare does. It's in the way she raises one eyebrow... I'm the one who gets this stare the most.

"I saw that! Try that again, I dare you!" Stare.

Defy this stare and I assure you, you're getting a belt whip to the ass... regardless of age. Rafa got this look a lot when we were kids.

"DO. IT." Stare.

This one's scarier than being held at gunpoint... or having an AK pointed at your face. I will spring into motherfucking action the moment she shoots this look.

"Don't you dare open your fucking mouth!" Stare.

I am STILL subjected to this stare. Seems like she has this one reserved just for me.

"Shut the fuck up, already" Stare.

This is the least threatening of her threatening stares... mainly because she shoots it in front of others and she tries to be discreet about it. Yeah, I'm sure people don't catch on to you threatening us especially since we suddenly go silent mid-sentence, MOM.

"Not. Funny." Stare.

Her top lip pretty much disappears. I know to shut the fuck up once that happens. I get a sweet backhand to the mouth if I dare crack a smile.

"GET. OVER HERE." Stare.

I will trample bunnies to get to Mom the moment she stares at me this way. Bad things happen when we don't heed this warning.

"Say NO!" Stare.

Ah, my favorite. She shoots this look mainly when someone offers us some sort of food. I don't know why, but she's not a fan of us accepting the food offerings of others... she's like the human version of a guard-dog who doesn't accept food from anyone other than their master. 

This stare also makes an appearance when someone invites us somewhere... and she is NOT down with the idea, but doesn't want to look like the party pooper.

"Just wait 'til we get home..." Stare.

Piss your pants, AnoMALIE, you're pretty much dead. This one always gave me a stomach ache the moment I saw it.

"Please act like an asshole so I can use you as an excuse to end this visit" Stare.

Our cue to act hungry, or angry, or tired... pretty much throw a tantrum in public, just so we could leave an uncomfortable situation. It seems like it'd be fun, but there comes a time when you grow tired of being considered a whiny bitch... or a hungry hippo... or a kid with bladder issues.

"Don't tell your Dad" Stare.

Oh, my father... in the dark about so many things...

"Don't come in!" Stare.

You best find some other form of entertainment elsewhere... pronto.

"Tell me the truth" Stare.

Somewhat menacing, somewhat sad. It's a strange combo... and I crack.

"Oh my God... you're growing up!" Stare.

Grosses me out because it makes me feel like a total weirdo. Ewww, Mom, what the hell is wrong with you? Don't look at me that way! I prefer the "Just wait 'til we get home..." stare over this one.

"You're making me feel so old... why, it was just yesterday that I was popping you out of my vagina!" Stare.

Her eyes get watery and she gets this creeper-like smile on her face... the smile is what gets me... it freaks me the fuck out.

"My widdle baby is becoming a woman! Awwww! Let's talk about our menstrual cycles!" Stare.

No! STOP IT! Peace, I'm out!

The stare is a very irritating combination of the last three.

I don't know what her problem is... but she's trying to get something out of me... or she's experiencing menopause.

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Sorry guys, I'm coming off the high... almost normal but not quite. I'll be good tomorrow. Promise.