Dibs

Guess I won't put this off any longer. 

Trust me when I say I feel EMBARRASSED AS FUCK by all of this. Like, I need to stop and take deep breaths because I start losing my hearing from all the blood rushing to my face.

Embarrassing admission: Many, MANY nights of my life I spent them crying... and fantasizing about what it'd be like to be a normal size... about being average.

I always knew I was fat... but the mind is a fucktard-- it does crazy shit.

At times it made me feel as big as an elephant, and at others, I'd look in the mirror and think "Yeah, you're ok." Self-preservation thing, I'm sure.

After bumping into the '08-'09 photos in the memory card, I was absolutely speechless.

There it was, photo after photo... my gut. 

Dying...

Had I been pregnant, I'd at least have a three-year old by now...

What was I thinking? Well, for starters, I felt like an absolute imbecile.

How the FUCK did you not do anything about this?

Then I felt horrible for all the guys I ever liked.

Poor dudes... the motherfucking predicament I put them in... goddamn.

Then I felt SO MUCH love for those who were with me at those times.

I can't begin to describe how fast my heart melted at the thought of the kindness I received throughout those years.

I didn't think of all the mean shit... or the hate, I thought of anyone and everyone who directed the minimal amount of kindness towards me.

Wow. Just wow.

To the left: Me, February of '09. To the right: Me, yesterday, in the same pants-- my "skinny" jeans.

It made me fall more in love with my friends... fuck, even my acquaintances.

This is how my loyalty is built, this is WHY it's built. 

My friends are MUCH BETTER people than I am.

And ANY guy that allowed me to crush on him... well, I... always knew he was a good guy.

Y'all got dibs.