Manos, labios, ojos

This time around, I did not stay in my usual house in Mexico.
It wasn't my hood, so to speak.
I stayed with my aunt, in the more desolate, but secure part of town.
The area wasn't too foreign for me, considering I spent my childhood running around in that neighborhood with my cousins and their neighbors.
One neighbor, I'll call him Josh-- the english version of his name-- has always been my favorite.
Josh is three years my junior. I always treated him like a kid... but kindly. I never discriminated against him due to his skin color (he's pretty dark. Hometowners tend to be on the lighter side, since they've really fought over their "Europeaness" and try to stay as white as possible. There are few people with dark skin in town... and it crushes my heart to see how poorly they're treated for it. It's a trip) or the fact that he is of the poorer families in town. I just treated him like a baby, but always embraced him into our group.
He, in return, would make me giggle... and eventually turned into a huge flirt. This may seem insignificant to many, but for me... considering the rough bullshit I went through in my teens, this meant the world. He was the ONLY boy who did not taunt me, never said a single derogatory word towards me... he actually did the opposite. Josh tried lifting my spirits, and always, ALWAYS threw me a compliment each time we chilled.
He was always crushing on someone. He was lanky. He was awkward. He was funny. He was flirty. He was witty.
I was alone. I was quiet. I was reserved. I was sad. I was fat. I was hurting.

Before the violence erupted in Hometown, shit had been going wrong for about two years. Starting around 2005, the youth started getting into coke HARD. By 2006, every guy who lived in Hometown was a coke addict... it was pretty unreal, not to mention heartbreaking beyond comparison. Josh didn't escape this fate.
Each time we'd hang out, we girls would just look at each other when we'd see our guy friends, acting a fool. Their eyes blood-shot, noses sniffling, and all smiling like... junkies.
How the hell is this going to stop? IS it going to stop?
Then the violence broke out, and it seemed to answer my question. EVERYONE stopped doing coke-- EVERYONE. Those who didn't suffered the consequences: death by cartel.

Our guy friends were now rehabbed, but the damage was done, we no longer enjoyed their presence, and they forever felt the shame of being recovering drug-addicts. We went our separate ways.

Fast-forward to 2012.
Josh is married. He is now the step-dad to two kids. He now lives in the city. He is tall, he is built, he is handsome, he is STILL funny, and he is still a flirt.
I am still single. I am still quiet. I still take a while to warm up. I still wear this involuntary frown. BUT I'm no longer "fat."
We first saw each other my second night in Hometown. He was dropping by to visit my uncles, since he has done that since he was a kid.
I had no clue he was in the kitchen, chatting up my uncles and his parents, so as I made my way to the dinner table-- in my skimpy PJs-- I took a giant step back, completely startled by his presence.
He did the same.
Unable to contain my joy-- hey, it had been a while since I had seen him, and he was pretty fucked up then-- I missed his hand he was reaching out for me to shake, and instead I went for the giant bear hug. He IS my childhood friend, after all. I was overjoyed by how healthy and... happy he now looked, I just did what my heart told me to do.
Josh was startled at first, standing awkwardly in the kitchen as I wrapped my arms around him. As I realized what an idiot I must have looked like, hugging this scared giant in the kitchen, he slowly but firmly returned the hug.
Josh: Holy moly, I... didn't know who you were at first, AnoMALIE! You scared me!
Me: I'm sorry, it's just that I hadn't seen you in so many years...
Josh: You're... you're... you look... wow... you look incredible.
Me: You look great too, man! Look at you! All... not lanky anymore! You're a freaking adult now! Hahaha!

We spent the rest of the nights hanging out on the porch... in the dark... telling stories, laughing... occasionally talking about serious subjects.
He never told me he was married. He always covered his ring when speaking to me.
The gold band would catch my eye, and I couldn't help but look him in the eyes immediately afterward.
Tell me THAT story...
We had numerous moments where we would just hold eye-contact in silence... a quiet sadness completely palpable, permeating the air.
You get me, bro... you always have... but... now... it's final. It's... a done deal. We can't do this anymore. Our time was... will forever be cherished. But it's done. Thank you... for everything.

We adressed this once, and only once... on the night of the fireworks.
It was extremely late, and I had gotten separated from my group. I was walking the dark part of the main street, which was desolate, making my way to the enormous crowd at the foot of the church. I bumped into Josh as he was coming out of his mom's "restaurant," and stopped in my tracks as he spoke to me.
Josh: You dancin' tomorrow night?
Me: No.
Josh: Why not?
He took a step closer to me.
Me: When have I ever?
Josh: Hmm...
He was now directly in front of me, looking down-- this guy is a gigantic motherfucker, I tell you. I could feel him burning a hole through me, even if I was looking down at my boots.
Me: I only danced at the alamo... with you guys... when we were teenagers... remember?
Josh: Oh yeah! Ha! Those were great times.
Me: Yeah. They were.
I turn to my right, to once again start heading toward the crowd.
Josh: To me you were always perfect...
I stopped and looked over at him, shooting him my "Are you talking to me, you fucking psycho? It's midnight... and people can fucking hear you" look.
Josh: You were my dream girl. Sweet. Funny. Smart. Humble... beautiful.
I was still staring at him as if he were crazy... my heart racing up toward my esophagus.
Josh: I'm glad everyone now gets to see the girl I always saw: AnoMALIE.
I was almost crying by now... but completely immobilized... and probably heaving... I don't remember, I didn't jot that part down in my journal.
Josh: You're finally getting the attention I always said you deserved. Everyone now understands AnoMALIE D is one hell of a woman.
My shitty left eye, which was already watery from some allergies, began to cry.
Josh: Enjoy it, AnoMALIE, you are more than deserving of the recognition. Have a beautiful life.

I stood quietly, slack-jawed... heart racing... and crying... in the middle of Hometown's Maintstreet... in the dark... with fireworks booming in the distance... just me and Josh in the shadows.
Me: Gracias...
I turned my back to Josh, and sped walked toward the crowd in the distance... deafened by the sound of the blood rushing to my face.

Centímetros de silencio... palabras no dichas...
Y algo que brilla así de triste entre tus ojos y mis ojos.