It's baaaaack!
My terrible, terrible lifetime partner is BACK.
Yeah.
I had been doing an awesome job at controlling it, especially since I've gotten the hang of when I break out.
What makes me break out?
Being extremely nervous...
Or being extremely flustered/angry.
Any of these two things happen, and that's when the stupid coldsore from HELL decides to accompany me for a few days/weeks.
What triggered this outbreak?
A moment of pure IRE, which I encountered Saturday night.
I know I come off as quite the grouchy, mean bitch on here... but I swear to god I'm patient as fuck. I'm quiet, and extremely patient in person. I'm a timid mouse.
I will sit there, usually with a shy smile on my face, and listen to bullshit for fucking HOURS. People can toss insults at me for hours... they can even get physically offensive with me a couple of times, and I will STILL quietly put up with it... because I know the moment I go off, I will MAIM a motherfucker.
The amount of self-restraint I practice is... pretty unheard of, hence my usual rants on here-- it's the only time I allow myself to blow-up.
The rage I hold within is years in the making-- decades of much physical/psychological/emotional/verbal abuse.
I'm a fucking volcano... and I continuously need to tell myself to calm the fuck down.
I need:
1. Gym Time... with lots and lots of weight-training and kickboxing in order to relieve MUCH of the stress/angst/hatred I harbor.
2. Church time. I'm a big girl-- a science-oriented, science-educated girl-- while I identify Catholic, I have my own beliefs... and hearing people patronize me for it REEEEEALLY pisses me the fuck off. To automatically assume I'm a dumb shit for going to church will automatically get you on my shit-list, my will-beat-the-shit-out-of-you shit-list. Church time is my meditation time... my cool down time... my counselor time. It soothes me, so get the fuck off my back and quit treating me like a retard for needing a place to hear calming words that will keep me from smothering you to death. K? Cool.
Normally, I have plenty of these two things in my life... so I'm pretty good in person... and it's thanks to this that last night I didn't seriously injure anyone, and only suffered the outbreak of a stupid coldsore.
What happened?
Game Night with a racist idiot white girl happened.
Game Night with Musketeer's wife happened.
All was running quite well... it was like the reunion of the three musketeers... a very pleasant one. It was like we had traveled back to 2005... only I was the sole member who didn't bring back a soulmate... probably because I'm soul-less, but I digress.
There were plenty of giggles... and sarcastic remarks... and smiles... inside jokes... it was a pretty chill time.
Then Apples to Apples happened.
Fucking game always causes drama...
The adjective we had to try to win was... I think something along the lines of "lazy"... or "revolutionary," my ire makes my memory fail here.
Kelley's dude was the one in charge of choosing the winner. We usually plead our case to the "chooser," so that's exactly what happened.
One of the cards was "Cesar Chavez."
K'sMan: Cesar Chavez?
Musketeer: Man was a fucking HERO!
Musketeer'swife: That lazy wetback just wanted an excuse NOT to work.
....
Now... "wetback" is not a word that normally enrages me. I don't get angry when people are being "sarcastic" either... but this bitch said it seriously... like in the tone one uses when saying Hitler was a horrible man.
I was so shocked, I was at a loss for words... any sort of sound, really. My brain was nearly short-circuiting at the thought that someone would say something so racially charged... so... hateful... and fucking historically inaccurate.
Everyone else in the room gasped.
Musketeer'swife: What?
Kelley: You know... wetback's a terribly derogatory term, right?
Musketeer'swife: Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I'm from New Mexico! That's what they taught me! In New Mexico "wetback" is not a derogatory term!
And they also told you Cesar Chavez was LAZY?!
By now I could feel my face burning. My hair was standing on end... I felt like I could start shooting lightning bolts. I could have jumped at her throat and ripped her face apart... no bath salts needed.
I was also holding back tears... because I was finding myself pretty fucking hurt. I HAVE been called a wetback, numerous times... as has my father... and while I don't care when people throw it around "playfully"... when someone "means" it, I cry. I just think of the poor, terrified, desperate immigrants who cross the river... many drowning... the ordeal of it all... just to have a better life. I think of the horrible conditions many of these immigrants live under, and I seriously cry.
To hear someone mock it so hatefully gives me a knot in my throat.
So yeah, I was furious, I was sad, I was offended, I was confused... but I was holding it all in.
The girl kept apologizing, which only aggravates a situation because they're only digging a deeper hole, but I didn't want to make a scene... so I clenched my jaw (and fists) and told her to just let it go.
The night continued... but the awkwardness never left.
I went home, cried a little, then went to bed.
I woke up at six in the morning, and in the middle of my shower, I felt a hot spot on my lip.
Upon closer inspection, I saw my annoying companion.
Ah! Ignorance-- such a lovely piece of shit to deal with... it even gives me coldsores now! Hooray!
Ok, enough... I have to cry the remaining hate now. I'll be fine tomorrow.
My terrible, terrible lifetime partner is BACK.
 |
| YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIITCH! and yes... that's a Germany-inspired mani. I'm torn between making a portugal-inspired one next... or sticking to Spain. It hurts my heart. |
I had been doing an awesome job at controlling it, especially since I've gotten the hang of when I break out.
What makes me break out?
Being extremely nervous...
Or being extremely flustered/angry.
Any of these two things happen, and that's when the stupid coldsore from HELL decides to accompany me for a few days/weeks.
What triggered this outbreak?
A moment of pure IRE, which I encountered Saturday night.
I know I come off as quite the grouchy, mean bitch on here... but I swear to god I'm patient as fuck. I'm quiet, and extremely patient in person. I'm a timid mouse.
I will sit there, usually with a shy smile on my face, and listen to bullshit for fucking HOURS. People can toss insults at me for hours... they can even get physically offensive with me a couple of times, and I will STILL quietly put up with it... because I know the moment I go off, I will MAIM a motherfucker.
The amount of self-restraint I practice is... pretty unheard of, hence my usual rants on here-- it's the only time I allow myself to blow-up.
The rage I hold within is years in the making-- decades of much physical/psychological/emotional/verbal abuse.
I'm a fucking volcano... and I continuously need to tell myself to calm the fuck down.
I need:
1. Gym Time... with lots and lots of weight-training and kickboxing in order to relieve MUCH of the stress/angst/hatred I harbor.
2. Church time. I'm a big girl-- a science-oriented, science-educated girl-- while I identify Catholic, I have my own beliefs... and hearing people patronize me for it REEEEEALLY pisses me the fuck off. To automatically assume I'm a dumb shit for going to church will automatically get you on my shit-list, my will-beat-the-shit-out-of-you shit-list. Church time is my meditation time... my cool down time... my counselor time. It soothes me, so get the fuck off my back and quit treating me like a retard for needing a place to hear calming words that will keep me from smothering you to death. K? Cool.
Normally, I have plenty of these two things in my life... so I'm pretty good in person... and it's thanks to this that last night I didn't seriously injure anyone, and only suffered the outbreak of a stupid coldsore.
What happened?
Game Night with a racist idiot white girl happened.
Game Night with Musketeer's wife happened.
All was running quite well... it was like the reunion of the three musketeers... a very pleasant one. It was like we had traveled back to 2005... only I was the sole member who didn't bring back a soulmate... probably because I'm soul-less, but I digress.
There were plenty of giggles... and sarcastic remarks... and smiles... inside jokes... it was a pretty chill time.
Then Apples to Apples happened.
Fucking game always causes drama...
The adjective we had to try to win was... I think something along the lines of "lazy"... or "revolutionary," my ire makes my memory fail here.
Kelley's dude was the one in charge of choosing the winner. We usually plead our case to the "chooser," so that's exactly what happened.
One of the cards was "Cesar Chavez."
K'sMan: Cesar Chavez?
Musketeer: Man was a fucking HERO!
Musketeer'swife: That lazy wetback just wanted an excuse NOT to work.
....
Now... "wetback" is not a word that normally enrages me. I don't get angry when people are being "sarcastic" either... but this bitch said it seriously... like in the tone one uses when saying Hitler was a horrible man.
I was so shocked, I was at a loss for words... any sort of sound, really. My brain was nearly short-circuiting at the thought that someone would say something so racially charged... so... hateful... and fucking historically inaccurate.
Everyone else in the room gasped.
Musketeer'swife: What?
Kelley: You know... wetback's a terribly derogatory term, right?
Musketeer'swife: Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I'm from New Mexico! That's what they taught me! In New Mexico "wetback" is not a derogatory term!
And they also told you Cesar Chavez was LAZY?!
By now I could feel my face burning. My hair was standing on end... I felt like I could start shooting lightning bolts. I could have jumped at her throat and ripped her face apart... no bath salts needed.
I was also holding back tears... because I was finding myself pretty fucking hurt. I HAVE been called a wetback, numerous times... as has my father... and while I don't care when people throw it around "playfully"... when someone "means" it, I cry. I just think of the poor, terrified, desperate immigrants who cross the river... many drowning... the ordeal of it all... just to have a better life. I think of the horrible conditions many of these immigrants live under, and I seriously cry.
To hear someone mock it so hatefully gives me a knot in my throat.
So yeah, I was furious, I was sad, I was offended, I was confused... but I was holding it all in.
The girl kept apologizing, which only aggravates a situation because they're only digging a deeper hole, but I didn't want to make a scene... so I clenched my jaw (and fists) and told her to just let it go.
The night continued... but the awkwardness never left.
I went home, cried a little, then went to bed.
I woke up at six in the morning, and in the middle of my shower, I felt a hot spot on my lip.
Upon closer inspection, I saw my annoying companion.
Ah! Ignorance-- such a lovely piece of shit to deal with... it even gives me coldsores now! Hooray!
Ok, enough... I have to cry the remaining hate now. I'll be fine tomorrow.
2 comments:
:( We were in disbelief... "I forget you're Mexican!"
She knew what it was and what it meant. I'm sorry :( Stupid stupid.. stupid. Why couldn't we have played taboo? Would history have repeated itself for a 3rd time with the infamous clue?
Before that horrible incident... I couldn't believe all the snide remarks they made to you regarding how you must not eat.. I wanted to punch her for you then.
"It must be so much better to not have family"... I also wanted to punch her then
LMAO... taboo. I still don't understand why she continues to invite me to shit when it's OBVIOUS she harbors some sort of RETARDED resentment towards me.
I couldn't hear her saying "I forget you're Mexican!" since all the blood rushing to my head just... makes me blind, deaf, and mute.
I also didn't hear the "snide" remarks... guess it was more like shit-talk amongst them two :/
I don't know how I didn't slap her the moment she said "Kyle, I just can't wait until your mother dies!"
I mean... goddamn... you don't wish death upon ANYONE... and to say that in front of someone who would kill to have her mother here... it's just... mind boggling. Even if it WAS a joke, it was a terrible thing to say. Period.
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