Saturday, June 16, 2012

Potty rant

Some days I wonder why the fuck I even got out of bed..
Today was one of those days.
From the moment I opened my eyes, shit went downhill.
People pissed me the fuck off, I pissed others off. I can only be a ray of sunshine for so long before I start barking mean shit at others...

What sets me off MOST is how some folk can be so goddamn self-centered, how they don't give a flying fuck to try and understand where someone else is coming from.
Yeah, dude, I said I was going to get back to you on Thursday and it's now Friday and I haven't written back... did you stop and think I probably didn't do it because I was still trying to work shit out? I have some big decisions to make right now, the last thing I need is your fucking attitude.

Mom also tried giving me the silent treatment today... because apparently she hasn't learned that I actually ENJOY silence... so... this isn't really punishing me.
What?! You mean you're not going to try and tell me a two-hour-long story-- with excruciating detail-- about your employee's hoodlum son who continuously does stupid shit that nearly drives his mother to an early grave? Not today? Ahhhhh, shucks! I was really looking forward to it! It's the highlight of my fucking day!
Why was she refusing to acknowledge me? Because she irritated the fuck out of me, so she got a nasty response from me:
There are some things you just DON'T do to me. One of my top DON'Ts is, what I consider, pretty fucking understandable: DON'T BUG ME WHEN I'M IN THE BATHROOM.
Bathroom time, whether I'm pissing, shitting, or showering, is MY time. You let me be in that fucking room in silence... don't fucking try talking to me, don't try getting me out of the room... just leave me the fuck alone and go about YOUR day sans moi.
Mom, well, that woman has a fucking knack for bugging me when I'm in the bathroom-- I'm pretty sure it's the reason behind my severe sensitivity to this topic.
Being the Mexican woman she is, she goes about screaming all the fucking time.
"AnoMALIE!!!" is all I fucking hear... all day (this is how I KNOW I could never be a lesbian, and if I were born a man, I'd be gay as fuck. I don't know how men willingly put up with a nagging woman for the rest of their lives. Fuck that shit. FUCK. IT)... even if it's just to inform me of a television blooper.
Gali tripped as she played that game with the rest of the cast from her show?? I nearly broke my neck as I slid on the motherfucking marble floor... thinking there was some goddamn emergency... and it was all to show me how this bitch falls on Mexican television?!
This time around, I was in the bathroom, pissing right before I jumped in the shower (I've never been one to piss in the shower... that shit grosses me the fuck out... WAY too much)... i.e. I was naked on the toilet taking a super long piss... vulnerable.
And she screams at me.
"AnoMALIE!"
"WHAT?" I ask... not irritated at all, just trying to be audible all the way from my bathroom, to the kitchen, where she was located.
"AnoMALIE!!!!!" she elevates her tone... to her "I'm fucking angry you little idiot, and if you don't come over here RIGHT NOW, I'm kicking your ass!" level.
This ENRAGES me.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!!!!!"
I scream at my "DON'T YOU THINK IF I COULD GO OVER TO THE GODDAMN KITCHEN RIGHT NOW I WOULD?! USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN! AND QUIT FUCKING SCREAMING! I'M SICK OF IT!" level.
It was so loud, I swear the house shook... my throat hurt after I shut up. And the house fell silent... I'm sure at least one of the neighbors contemplated calling the cops.
This, it turns out, greatly insulted her. So she stopped talking to me... because she's always right and I'm always wrong and there's nothing wrong with sounding like you're herding cattle when you're actually calling your kids over.
Ay, mujeres... silent treatments... will you never learn? Only people affected by that shit are those who seem to be afraid of being alone. I love the fucking shit out of silence. If you want to punish anyone, do what you always do: talk incessantly about vapid shit... I assure you plenty of us will begin contemplating suicide after ten minutes.

Anyway, after this argument, things only got worse. No need to go into further detail, because it will only frustrate me and bore you.

Lessons learned:
1. If you wake up and "sense" shit is off... just... stay in bed. Don't leave your room. You're probably right.
2. Silent treatment is INEFFECTIVE when applied to me... because I'll only love it... and you'll probably end up feeling lonely... and that will only amuse me.
3. Don't EVER... fucking EVER interrupt me when I'm in the bathroom. You'll regret that shit... no pun intended.

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