Saturday, June 23, 2012

Pantalones blancos

I shouldn't laugh...
And I'm not... it's just a light chuckle encouraged by Karma... so it never develops into a full, body-shaking laugh attack... out of fear that Karma will turn around and slap me across the face--Mom-style. It's just a quiet, controlled chuckle.

Remember the guy who gave me that "compliment" a while back? The dude who said I'd be perfect if I looked like my sister? Well... that is pretty vague, considering that's what a ton of dudes tell me.
It's the guy who told my sister she'd be perfect if she had MY personality.

Well, I've been talking to him recently... because I'm a forgiving idiot.
But it's not like it's romantic or anything. Sure, there's flirting and whatnot... but as far as me wanting to take it beyond lovely bater, no. He's a smoker. I don't touch that shit. Sure, it gives him this sexy growl to his voice, but that sexy growl eventually with age it turns to a hacking cough, and that shit is NEVER sexy. Plus, smokers have a permanent, penetrating stench that my nostrils can't tolerate (sorry, smokers, but I'm not going to lie and act like you smell good).
Also, he has this... WACK beard going on... which I don't understand, really. WHY are men purposely trying to look like some old school lumberjack? The Brawny man is sexy and all... but he's like... "dad sexy." Stubble's fine... not a fan, but it's fine... but going for the ZZTop/Zach Wilde bullshit is unacceptable.
This guy has the ZZTop shit going on. Blegh.

Anyway, we've been talking A LOT, mainly thanks to the whole Euro Cup thing. As far as sports are concerned, Los (that's what I'm going to call him) and I connect pretty strongly. The moment I accidentally bumped into him on my way to kickboxing class, his face looked like what I imagine someone would look like if he/she saw a unicorn.
Yo, man, my legs are nearly three feet long. Someone wants to teach me how to use them as a weapon? I'm game!
So, he thinks I'm cool because of this... and we'll gently tease each other about our sports favorites.
HOWEVER, in my years of knowing him, I've learned a few things:
He's a textbook Aries.
My experience with Aries is this (ahhhh, shit, here comes my astrology bullshit... but hey! You have to admit many times that shit is scary accurate): I don't get along with female Aries, but guy Aries are a different story. I get along with dude Aries because they tend to push me to do shit my otherwise cowardly-ass would never do. And they tend to defend the shit out of me because they have quicker wits than I do. And they tell me to quit my pity-party bullshit when I'm being a Negative Nancy.
They make me less of a crying pussy, basically. Everyone needs someone like that in their life. Plus, when they want to be mushy and sweet, they're fucking adorable.
They have a strong, often off-putting personality, but when they're cool, they're hella cool.
BUT don't EVER piss them off. They will chew you out, then ignore you. You DIE to them. It's insane, really.
That's Los.
I've pissed him off ONCE. I criticized his smoking and he quit speaking to me for months.
I had to do fucking backflips to get back in his good-graces.
Lesson learned: don't piss off an Aries.

Ok, so, we're friendly and flirty.
Next thing I know, he starts hitting me up last night, FURIOUS.
Luckily, I wasn't the target of his fury.
He just needed to vent.
While he likes my personality, it's clear physically there ain't shit... because he's into the more feminine look... you know, girls who are into dresses and heels and that shit. I'm 5'8", he's 5'9"... if I wear heels, he's down to my tits... well, not that short, but I'll usually be a head taller than him.
He had been talking to a chick who lives in San Diego, she has only seen photos of him which he decides to post on Twitter. She HAS heard him, though... and like I said, he has a sexy, raspy voice.
He also raps. This is how she knows him.

Well, he went down to SD for some stupid rap-olympic type bullshit (see, if he heard me calling it this, I'd once again be cut off), where he finally met up with her.
Shortly after, he called me... at around midnight. His group of dudes had left him, and he was angrily/drunkenly walking the streets of San Diego.
Los: Yo, yo, yo! Can you believe this fucking shit?
Me: Uh... hello?
Los: I meet up with this chick, right? Fuckin' first words "You wearin' WHITE pants?!" and I'm like "YEAH, I'm wearing WHITE pants. Get off my dick!"
Me: ....
Los: Follows that shit up with "You look NOTHING like I thought you would." THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
Oh. My God. Must. Not. Laugh.
Me: Whoa...
Los: Fuck that shit. Fuckin' broads tryin'a clown. Fuck fucking stupid fucking broads!!!
Me: You ok, man?
Los: ::Drunk, incomprehensible, raspy, sound... probably lighting a cig::
::click::

Aaaaaall righty then.
I still don't know what the deal was with that phone call... though I did find it hilarious it was made on JC's birthday.
It appears I'm quite the target when it comes to drunk, angry, heartbroken men.
Just let your frustrations out on me... it's all good. I've heard it all. Blame me for the ills of my kind... you know, the girls... though I'm not very girly... only apparently when you're drunk and angry and in desperate need to vent your frustrations.

And uh, Karma?
Yup.
How does it feel, bro? I've heard that line before... I have plenty of experience with it... usually a lovely head jerk where I just know the dude is thinking "WHOA! WHAT. THE. FUCK?! Must. Get. Out!"

You'd be perfect... if you looked like your sister.

Hmm... maybe next time you'll watch what comes out of that purdy little smoking mouth of yours, homie.

Ok, I'll stop laughing and start feeling bad for my injured-ego Aries. Poor dude.

1 comment:

Kelley said...

Also, I don't know WHY anyone would go for a zakk wylde beard... EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW (whoops.. forgot what account this computer was logged into)