Guess what imbecile nearly got herself killed today.
This one, right here... me.
OK, I wasn't in danger of dying... I think... but I was seconds away from passing the fuck out.
Now, I know it seems I've made it a habit to pass out all over the place like some narcoleptic... but I'm serious when I say it's all accidental.
Sure, I started the tradition of passing out as a sort of temper tantrum back when I was a five-year-old kindergartener... but what can I say? I suddenly felt the need for my mom... I realized I really missed her, so I started to cry until everything went black and I woke up on the floor, surrounded by my horrified classmates (I still remember it was Mexican Mother's Day. I had my little papier-mâché flower in hand, ready for Mom. When I woke up, it was still clutched in my hand. Such a gangsta). But all these other times I've passed out have been from stress-related vomit-marathons my body likes to throw.
This time around, it was much weirder.
All the times I've ever passed out, everything goes black and I just go down.
Today, I was fine and dandy. I was proud of myself for finally completing a hike correctly (woo! No getting lost for us this time around!). An even bigger deal was that during the hike, I didn't take a single break. So, once we reached the little pond/spring, I took out my victory orange and snacked on it.
I had two more slices to go when I started feeling like I was going to blow chunks.
Within seconds of finishing my orange, I felt even worse.
I took a seat on a very jagged rock, but since I was feeling like I was about to die, I didn't give a fuck... I plopped my ass down and began my descent into unconsciousness.
I stopped hearing the spring, and everything went white. I could only see some of the rocks outlined in black.
This freaked me out, and I started to say "I'm scared!" (I'm a pussy, so what?)
No matter what I did-- close my eyes, take deep breaths, lay my head down-- I felt like I was slipping away... and the abundance of white was making me panic.
Kelley then forced me to drink water, and that's how I slowly made my return to the land of the living.
I was upset the entire time because all I could think was "I'll be fucking DAMNED if I have to get airlifted out of here!"
(there's a story I always make fun of with Kelley. Back in high school, these two girls--who have always been clicky bitches-- went hiking at Red Rock, where we were today. They don't explain what they were doing out there, but somehow they managed to get lost to the point where they had to get airlifted to safety. At the time, they were both REALLY big girls... so... just the imagery made us laugh until our sides hurt. Did they have to get airlifted out one at a time? Together? How did those responders react at the sight? Where the fuck where they to require a helicopter?! That sort of thing. That story made its rounds amongst the AP students... because the girls were part of our elite gang... and to this day, if I think too much about it, I still laugh hysterically)
That little show of "AnoMALIE Being a Weakling" ruined the fun morning we were having.
From talking shit about Musketeer's wife (I'm done being nice to her. I've come to terms with the fact that she's a bimbo airhead with a wanna-be mean streak which I can destroy in a second if I choose. Mean AnoMALIE >>> Mean Musketeer'sWife)...
Seeing a humongous jackrabbit and me-- OF COURSE-- being scared of it jumping at me and giving me rabies...
To discussing the proper term for a group of cunts (hikers were extra snobby today. It appears only guys smile and say something when you bump into them on the trail. Girls seem to have a stick up their ass the entire time):
Kelley: Ohp, some more cunts up ahead.
Me: So... I've been thinking... when it's a group of cunts... is it a "cunt-i?"
Kelley: Unless it's five of them... then it's a pentacunt.
(That's why we're BFFs. That's the sort of shit we discuss and giggle about like psychos)
It had been a great morning.
I promise I'll stock up on oranges, water, and Gatorade next time we go for a hike. I'm sorry for being such weaksauce today, Kelley.
OH! Something else that might get me killed: I might... MIGHT end up going to Mexico in the summer, once again.
I should be slapped for it... but I have a good reason to go: my godson's little brother is graduating high school. I love that kid... and he really wants us to go. He called us yesterday to inform, and ask us to please accompany him. He's also turning 18 around that time...
So... I might... go to Mexico in mid June...
I promise I don't have a death wish! I just REALLY love my family... and Mexico.
This one, right here... me.
OK, I wasn't in danger of dying... I think... but I was seconds away from passing the fuck out.
Now, I know it seems I've made it a habit to pass out all over the place like some narcoleptic... but I'm serious when I say it's all accidental.
Sure, I started the tradition of passing out as a sort of temper tantrum back when I was a five-year-old kindergartener... but what can I say? I suddenly felt the need for my mom... I realized I really missed her, so I started to cry until everything went black and I woke up on the floor, surrounded by my horrified classmates (I still remember it was Mexican Mother's Day. I had my little papier-mâché flower in hand, ready for Mom. When I woke up, it was still clutched in my hand. Such a gangsta). But all these other times I've passed out have been from stress-related vomit-marathons my body likes to throw.
This time around, it was much weirder.
All the times I've ever passed out, everything goes black and I just go down.
Today, I was fine and dandy. I was proud of myself for finally completing a hike correctly (woo! No getting lost for us this time around!). An even bigger deal was that during the hike, I didn't take a single break. So, once we reached the little pond/spring, I took out my victory orange and snacked on it.
I had two more slices to go when I started feeling like I was going to blow chunks.
Within seconds of finishing my orange, I felt even worse.
I took a seat on a very jagged rock, but since I was feeling like I was about to die, I didn't give a fuck... I plopped my ass down and began my descent into unconsciousness.
I stopped hearing the spring, and everything went white. I could only see some of the rocks outlined in black.
This freaked me out, and I started to say "I'm scared!" (I'm a pussy, so what?)
No matter what I did-- close my eyes, take deep breaths, lay my head down-- I felt like I was slipping away... and the abundance of white was making me panic.
Kelley then forced me to drink water, and that's how I slowly made my return to the land of the living.
I was upset the entire time because all I could think was "I'll be fucking DAMNED if I have to get airlifted out of here!"
(there's a story I always make fun of with Kelley. Back in high school, these two girls--who have always been clicky bitches-- went hiking at Red Rock, where we were today. They don't explain what they were doing out there, but somehow they managed to get lost to the point where they had to get airlifted to safety. At the time, they were both REALLY big girls... so... just the imagery made us laugh until our sides hurt. Did they have to get airlifted out one at a time? Together? How did those responders react at the sight? Where the fuck where they to require a helicopter?! That sort of thing. That story made its rounds amongst the AP students... because the girls were part of our elite gang... and to this day, if I think too much about it, I still laugh hysterically)
That little show of "AnoMALIE Being a Weakling" ruined the fun morning we were having.
From talking shit about Musketeer's wife (I'm done being nice to her. I've come to terms with the fact that she's a bimbo airhead with a wanna-be mean streak which I can destroy in a second if I choose. Mean AnoMALIE >>> Mean Musketeer'sWife)...
Seeing a humongous jackrabbit and me-- OF COURSE-- being scared of it jumping at me and giving me rabies...
To discussing the proper term for a group of cunts (hikers were extra snobby today. It appears only guys smile and say something when you bump into them on the trail. Girls seem to have a stick up their ass the entire time):
Kelley: Ohp, some more cunts up ahead.
Me: So... I've been thinking... when it's a group of cunts... is it a "cunt-i?"
Kelley: Unless it's five of them... then it's a pentacunt.
(That's why we're BFFs. That's the sort of shit we discuss and giggle about like psychos)
It had been a great morning.
I promise I'll stock up on oranges, water, and Gatorade next time we go for a hike. I'm sorry for being such weaksauce today, Kelley.
OH! Something else that might get me killed: I might... MIGHT end up going to Mexico in the summer, once again.
I should be slapped for it... but I have a good reason to go: my godson's little brother is graduating high school. I love that kid... and he really wants us to go. He called us yesterday to inform, and ask us to please accompany him. He's also turning 18 around that time...
So... I might... go to Mexico in mid June...
I promise I don't have a death wish! I just REALLY love my family... and Mexico.
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