I'm not really in the mood to write anything new, so here's a post I made back on 4/2/11 when I was still depressed as hell. I'm happy to say I'm not THAT bummed anymore, but the first half sort of pertains to what happened over the weekend, so I'll post it:
I should have listened to him.
*I promise I'm a sweet, kind girl who loves to laugh.
*I will do anything in my power to make someone feel better.
*I will bite my tongue repeatedly when someone offends/hurts me... because I always think "SOMETHING must have happened to him/her to make him/her this way. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive."
*When confused/bored/astonished/intrigued, I smile. I smile big. A smile can almost always be found on my face, wrinkles be damned!
*I'm adventurous and inquisitive. The desire to know how things work can keep my attention for weeks. And the adventure part? I love the thrill. I make it obvious because the entire time I'm wide-eyed, trying to take everything in... and yes, I do it with a smile the majority of the time. I love the way my heart races... even when I'm scared out of my mind. I love holding on to the memories.
*I admire most people I meet. They always possess a quality I admire... and I tend to become their fan. I will root for them even when they have given up on themselves. I'm a natural-born cheerleader, not because I want others to do the same for me, but because I really do love making others feel good.
*I like hugs. No, I REALLY like hugs. I always feel my heart skip a little when I feel someone's arms around me. The feel of their skin usually lingers for a couple of hours. This only applies to sincere hugs. Forced hugs are obvious, and the frivolity of it usually makes me sad.
*I like staring at the sky. If it's daylight, I'll look for cloud animals/faces/objects. If it's night out, I'll look for constellations. Nothing is more gorgeous than staring out a window during a lightning storm.
*When I see an animal, I always fight the urge to feed it... regardless of how "ugly" the animal may be. Sometimes I won't want to touch it... but I'll still have the urge of chucking some food in its direction (ok, maybe no "chuck" the food, for fear it might kill it... I'll just toss it and run).
*I don't care much for swimming... but I do absolutely love sitting near water. It's the most relaxing thing in the universe.
*Seeing others cry usually makes ME cry, regardless of who they are. I cry even when an "enemy" cries. I'm never happy for anyone's pain.
If I get in touch with four-year-old AnoMALIE... my truest, most innocent version, I am that girl I described above.
But I let all the wounds sustained from age five and on affect the way I am. I've allowed some of that above mentioned personality to go into hiding.
For one, I don't hug people anymore. Well, I often hug certain family members... but recently, I give people the stiffest handshake I can, pulling my body away and resisting any sort of "comforting" contact.
"Being both optimistic and cynical, Pisces find it difficult to make up their minds on any issue." (Yeah, I sometimes quote astrology shit... sue me)
I claim to be pessimistic... just so people never have the chance to tell me "I told you so." I feel stupid knowing anyone feels sorry for me.
Such is the case recently... with this whole Grad School rejection. The part that hurts the most is that I let others know what I wanted to do. I really, truly wanted this. Now, not only do I get kicked to the curb, but others get to witness it. They get to see me struggle to try to piece things back together... and it's... embarrassing.
Embarrassing because I allowed myself to be openly optimistic... and things fell apart.
Oh, Paulo Coelho, how you get me!
And he has a twitter account... he's always just a click away.
Fucking fantastic!
Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not - Paulo CoelhoI read that... and I immediately found it profoundly beautiful.
I should have listened to him.
*I promise I'm a sweet, kind girl who loves to laugh.
*I will do anything in my power to make someone feel better.
*I will bite my tongue repeatedly when someone offends/hurts me... because I always think "SOMETHING must have happened to him/her to make him/her this way. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive."
*When confused/bored/astonished/intrigued, I smile. I smile big. A smile can almost always be found on my face, wrinkles be damned!
*I'm adventurous and inquisitive. The desire to know how things work can keep my attention for weeks. And the adventure part? I love the thrill. I make it obvious because the entire time I'm wide-eyed, trying to take everything in... and yes, I do it with a smile the majority of the time. I love the way my heart races... even when I'm scared out of my mind. I love holding on to the memories.
*I admire most people I meet. They always possess a quality I admire... and I tend to become their fan. I will root for them even when they have given up on themselves. I'm a natural-born cheerleader, not because I want others to do the same for me, but because I really do love making others feel good.
*I like hugs. No, I REALLY like hugs. I always feel my heart skip a little when I feel someone's arms around me. The feel of their skin usually lingers for a couple of hours. This only applies to sincere hugs. Forced hugs are obvious, and the frivolity of it usually makes me sad.
*I like staring at the sky. If it's daylight, I'll look for cloud animals/faces/objects. If it's night out, I'll look for constellations. Nothing is more gorgeous than staring out a window during a lightning storm.
*When I see an animal, I always fight the urge to feed it... regardless of how "ugly" the animal may be. Sometimes I won't want to touch it... but I'll still have the urge of chucking some food in its direction (ok, maybe no "chuck" the food, for fear it might kill it... I'll just toss it and run).
*I don't care much for swimming... but I do absolutely love sitting near water. It's the most relaxing thing in the universe.
*Seeing others cry usually makes ME cry, regardless of who they are. I cry even when an "enemy" cries. I'm never happy for anyone's pain.
If I get in touch with four-year-old AnoMALIE... my truest, most innocent version, I am that girl I described above.
But I let all the wounds sustained from age five and on affect the way I am. I've allowed some of that above mentioned personality to go into hiding.
For one, I don't hug people anymore. Well, I often hug certain family members... but recently, I give people the stiffest handshake I can, pulling my body away and resisting any sort of "comforting" contact.
I claim to be pessimistic... just so people never have the chance to tell me "I told you so." I feel stupid knowing anyone feels sorry for me.
Such is the case recently... with this whole Grad School rejection. The part that hurts the most is that I let others know what I wanted to do. I really, truly wanted this. Now, not only do I get kicked to the curb, but others get to witness it. They get to see me struggle to try to piece things back together... and it's... embarrassing.
Embarrassing because I allowed myself to be openly optimistic... and things fell apart.
***
Oh, Paulo Coelho, how you get me!
And he has a twitter account... he's always just a click away.
Fucking fantastic!
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