So uh... I'm still here.
I was so upset about being left behind during the rapture (as I had previously predicted) that I:
1. Massacred a slice of Devil's Food cake (it's CHOCOLATE! You think I'm not gonna touch that shit? Get off that cloud, homie)
2. Got drunk as shit at a baby shower.
(luckily, no photos of THAT available, at least not from my behalf)
You mean I've been a virgin all this fucking time and I STILL get left behind to endure the motherfucking apocalypse?! FUCK THIS, MAN! I need a drink... or two... or ten. This is BULLSHIT! And give me a slice of that fucking monstrous chocolate cake, it's going down into my belly... fuck milk, I want another mojito, NOW!
Yeah, I'm being sarcastic here... for the most part.
I DID massacre a piece of DFC, and I DID get drunk at a baby shower today... but it was obviously not because I was upset over the rapture. Duh.
Today was all about babies.
First off, there's one friend who currently has me in her pregnancy scare crew.
I find myself being on period watch. It's not that I WANT to... but I feel so horrible for her, she's been crying all day. I just... I've never been this interested in knowing whether or not a girl has bled. Gross, I know... but sheesh... I'm worried for the poor chick.
This brings me to today's baby shower.
I was going to write about it sooner... but I just never found the point in it.
Remember my little cousin from that one summer... the one who was "in love" with my godson. The cousins, remember? I was freaking out and trying desperately to break that shit up... 'cause we ain't from West Virginia, so you put that shit in check QUICK.
Anyway, turns out I did a terrific job in separating those two lovebirds (they were still going at it this past summer, no matter how much I'd complain), so much so, that when she came back from Mexico this past summer, she got knocked up by her brand-new boyfriend.
I was bummed when I first found out, because I can't believe that in 2011, we still have idiot girls getting knocked up.
You had unprotected sex, you fucking moron?! What is WRONG with you?!
However, I didn't judge... or chastise, because I'm sure she got plenty of that.
Instead, my weird maternal instinct made an appearance and I let her know that I'd always be on her side.
Ok, so that's settled.
So, today was this girl's baby shower.
I love this kid like a baby sister, so I very gladly attended, regardless of how much I dislike being around kids.
Something extraordinary occurred: for the first time EVER, I was extremely comfortable at this party.
I was surrounded by nothing but my mother's cousins.
Now, some of these broads might be pains in the ass when in other situations, but since the MOST annoying woman of the clan is the soon-to-be-great-grandma (how fucking bizzare to say that. I imagine great-grandmas as 90-whatever year old ladies, not 60-year-old ladies who still shop at Forever21), she had to eat a GIANT slice of humble-pie... so she was the sweetest ass-licker in the building.
This is the woman, the now-ass-licker, who always gives me backhanded compliments like:
Oh, AnoMALIE, you'd be SO BEAUTIFUL if you used a girdle!
Really, bitch? I just said hello to you outside church... the HOUSE OF THE LORD! and you're gonna say THAT?
D is such a gorgeous young lady! AnoMALIE... that outfit would have looked AWESOME had you not worn those black shoes with those white socks. Actually, it would have looked FAR better if you wore a dress... you'd look... like a girl!
This lady must be VERY curious to find out the taste of my knuckles.
Well, today, she COMPLIMENTED ME, and not my sister. Yes, she gave me ONE backhanded compliment (she complimented my sister's hair when she greeted us at the door, then when it was my turn to say hello, she "whispered" to D "Convince your sister to do this to HER hair... she'd look GREAT!"), but aside from that, she was all over me. She did one thing in particular that nearly made me pass out from the shock:
She asked to touch my eyelashes... because "they are SO ENORMOUS, THICK, AND BEAUTIFUL! Look how far back they fold! Why didn't my kids get these?!"
This had me reeling because back when I was five (yes, I remember. A kid never forgets when someone is a rude asshole to him/her) she was complimenting my sister (like always) at a birthday party and she wouldn't shut the fuck up over how gorgeous Sister was, especially her beautiful eyelashes, eyelashes she had never seen before. She moved me out of my seat so she could sit next to D and examine her eyelashes.
I remember I very dejectedly took an empty chair across from D--the only chair available-- and thought to myself Well... my eyelashes are KINDA like my sister's... right? and as I thought that, I tried to very discreetly reach for my eyelashes to feel them. But I was caught. And she laughed SO hard... like an evil witch HA!HA!HA! SHE'S FEELING HER'S TO SEE IF THEY'RE LONG! HAHAHA! And I felt so stupid and embarrassed for being called out in front of so many people, that I went outside and didn't come back into the party the rest of the day.
Anyway, as you can see, I'm still heated/scarred over this memory, that this bold move from this lady... 21 years later, nearly made me pass out.
Ummm... what was the point of this post? To talk about the baby shower?
Ok, let me try and get back to it:
I was in a fantastic mood because all these ladies were being such sweethearts, that I felt comfortable enough to eat me some delicious cake.
There was one bad side: the family members of the babydaddy. Those cunts wouldn't stop staring at me and D.
D and I were just chilling inside the house, sitting on a giant, comfy couch, drinking mojitos like we had no responsibilities (oh wait, that's right, we DON'T) and these girls were giving us the evil eye, especially when we were eating our cake.
After my second mojito (remember, my diet's still kinda... on the weaksauce side, so it doesn't take much liquor to fuck me up since I don't have much in my tummy to begin with), I stopped giving a fuck and I turned mean. What did I do? I tweeted a photo of the meanest bitch of all: the cow.
I'm not normally this (openly) rude to anyone, but this girl pissed me the fuck off.
The last straw was when they were going around giving everyone those stupid little party favors--which happened to be See's Candy pops-- and they purposely avoided my corner of the room... the corner with my entire maternal family. I know this because I made eye-contact with the hoe.
OK, heifer, check this out! I'm gonna hate on you on the internets... and I don't care, because I'M DRUNK!
And I'm going to hate on her here as well:
Grrrr!
Anyway, after I did this, I found I couldn't stop laughing... or drinking... and the room was still wobbling... and I kept on talking.
Then... the night got ugly when the nice ladies of my family decided to start telling dirty jokes. No amount of alcohol will erase the words these woman uttered... especially not when Mom alluded to the size of my dad's penis (it's "huge, but he's SO boring!" in her own words)... or how he's in the sack.
I wish this was all a figment of my drunken imagination... but no... it was uttered... and I'm forever sickened... and embarrassed for my father (see, Momma was a little tipsy as well. Oh, what the hell, we were ALL lit). No amount of alcohol, dude... NO AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL will erase this traumatic event.
Anyway, once we sobered up a bit (or at least my sister did. I'm still sort of drunk and I need to be up by 5:30AM later today for good ol' church. It's already 2:20... church is gonna be AWESOME!) we came home.
Today's take-home message: I'm glad as FUCK that my cookie box is intact... and I'm in NO rush to crack that baby open. I'm good, yo. That shit ain't happening for a good minute (at least not while I can still remember, verbatim, what Mom said about Dad's sexual organ/habits). Biiiiirth control, muthafuckaaas!
I was so upset about being left behind during the rapture (as I had previously predicted) that I:
1. Massacred a slice of Devil's Food cake (it's CHOCOLATE! You think I'm not gonna touch that shit? Get off that cloud, homie)
 |
| the remnants remind me too much of skid marks... yet I still damn near licked that fucking plate |
(luckily, no photos of THAT available, at least not from my behalf)
You mean I've been a virgin all this fucking time and I STILL get left behind to endure the motherfucking apocalypse?! FUCK THIS, MAN! I need a drink... or two... or ten. This is BULLSHIT! And give me a slice of that fucking monstrous chocolate cake, it's going down into my belly... fuck milk, I want another mojito, NOW!
Yeah, I'm being sarcastic here... for the most part.
I DID massacre a piece of DFC, and I DID get drunk at a baby shower today... but it was obviously not because I was upset over the rapture. Duh.
Today was all about babies.
First off, there's one friend who currently has me in her pregnancy scare crew.
I find myself being on period watch. It's not that I WANT to... but I feel so horrible for her, she's been crying all day. I just... I've never been this interested in knowing whether or not a girl has bled. Gross, I know... but sheesh... I'm worried for the poor chick.
This brings me to today's baby shower.
I was going to write about it sooner... but I just never found the point in it.
Remember my little cousin from that one summer... the one who was "in love" with my godson. The cousins, remember? I was freaking out and trying desperately to break that shit up... 'cause we ain't from West Virginia, so you put that shit in check QUICK.
Anyway, turns out I did a terrific job in separating those two lovebirds (they were still going at it this past summer, no matter how much I'd complain), so much so, that when she came back from Mexico this past summer, she got knocked up by her brand-new boyfriend.
I was bummed when I first found out, because I can't believe that in 2011, we still have idiot girls getting knocked up.
You had unprotected sex, you fucking moron?! What is WRONG with you?!
However, I didn't judge... or chastise, because I'm sure she got plenty of that.
Instead, my weird maternal instinct made an appearance and I let her know that I'd always be on her side.
Ok, so that's settled.
So, today was this girl's baby shower.
I love this kid like a baby sister, so I very gladly attended, regardless of how much I dislike being around kids.
Something extraordinary occurred: for the first time EVER, I was extremely comfortable at this party.
I was surrounded by nothing but my mother's cousins.
Now, some of these broads might be pains in the ass when in other situations, but since the MOST annoying woman of the clan is the soon-to-be-great-grandma (how fucking bizzare to say that. I imagine great-grandmas as 90-whatever year old ladies, not 60-year-old ladies who still shop at Forever21), she had to eat a GIANT slice of humble-pie... so she was the sweetest ass-licker in the building.
This is the woman, the now-ass-licker, who always gives me backhanded compliments like:
Oh, AnoMALIE, you'd be SO BEAUTIFUL if you used a girdle!
Really, bitch? I just said hello to you outside church... the HOUSE OF THE LORD! and you're gonna say THAT?
D is such a gorgeous young lady! AnoMALIE... that outfit would have looked AWESOME had you not worn those black shoes with those white socks. Actually, it would have looked FAR better if you wore a dress... you'd look... like a girl!
This lady must be VERY curious to find out the taste of my knuckles.
Well, today, she COMPLIMENTED ME, and not my sister. Yes, she gave me ONE backhanded compliment (she complimented my sister's hair when she greeted us at the door, then when it was my turn to say hello, she "whispered" to D "Convince your sister to do this to HER hair... she'd look GREAT!"), but aside from that, she was all over me. She did one thing in particular that nearly made me pass out from the shock:
She asked to touch my eyelashes... because "they are SO ENORMOUS, THICK, AND BEAUTIFUL! Look how far back they fold! Why didn't my kids get these?!"
This had me reeling because back when I was five (yes, I remember. A kid never forgets when someone is a rude asshole to him/her) she was complimenting my sister (like always) at a birthday party and she wouldn't shut the fuck up over how gorgeous Sister was, especially her beautiful eyelashes, eyelashes she had never seen before. She moved me out of my seat so she could sit next to D and examine her eyelashes.
I remember I very dejectedly took an empty chair across from D--the only chair available-- and thought to myself Well... my eyelashes are KINDA like my sister's... right? and as I thought that, I tried to very discreetly reach for my eyelashes to feel them. But I was caught. And she laughed SO hard... like an evil witch HA!HA!HA! SHE'S FEELING HER'S TO SEE IF THEY'RE LONG! HAHAHA! And I felt so stupid and embarrassed for being called out in front of so many people, that I went outside and didn't come back into the party the rest of the day.
Anyway, as you can see, I'm still heated/scarred over this memory, that this bold move from this lady... 21 years later, nearly made me pass out.
Ummm... what was the point of this post? To talk about the baby shower?
Ok, let me try and get back to it:
I was in a fantastic mood because all these ladies were being such sweethearts, that I felt comfortable enough to eat me some delicious cake.
There was one bad side: the family members of the babydaddy. Those cunts wouldn't stop staring at me and D.
D and I were just chilling inside the house, sitting on a giant, comfy couch, drinking mojitos like we had no responsibilities (oh wait, that's right, we DON'T) and these girls were giving us the evil eye, especially when we were eating our cake.
After my second mojito (remember, my diet's still kinda... on the weaksauce side, so it doesn't take much liquor to fuck me up since I don't have much in my tummy to begin with), I stopped giving a fuck and I turned mean. What did I do? I tweeted a photo of the meanest bitch of all: the cow.
I'm not normally this (openly) rude to anyone, but this girl pissed me the fuck off.
The last straw was when they were going around giving everyone those stupid little party favors--which happened to be See's Candy pops-- and they purposely avoided my corner of the room... the corner with my entire maternal family. I know this because I made eye-contact with the hoe.
OK, heifer, check this out! I'm gonna hate on you on the internets... and I don't care, because I'M DRUNK!
And I'm going to hate on her here as well:
 |
| Bitch should be glad I cropped her face out. I'm considerate even when I'm being mean. |
Anyway, after I did this, I found I couldn't stop laughing... or drinking... and the room was still wobbling... and I kept on talking.
Then... the night got ugly when the nice ladies of my family decided to start telling dirty jokes. No amount of alcohol will erase the words these woman uttered... especially not when Mom alluded to the size of my dad's penis (it's "huge, but he's SO boring!" in her own words)... or how he's in the sack.
I wish this was all a figment of my drunken imagination... but no... it was uttered... and I'm forever sickened... and embarrassed for my father (see, Momma was a little tipsy as well. Oh, what the hell, we were ALL lit). No amount of alcohol, dude... NO AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL will erase this traumatic event.
Anyway, once we sobered up a bit (or at least my sister did. I'm still sort of drunk and I need to be up by 5:30AM later today for good ol' church. It's already 2:20... church is gonna be AWESOME!) we came home.
Today's take-home message: I'm glad as FUCK that my cookie box is intact... and I'm in NO rush to crack that baby open. I'm good, yo. That shit ain't happening for a good minute (at least not while I can still remember, verbatim, what Mom said about Dad's sexual organ/habits). Biiiiirth control, muthafuckaaas!
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