Sex talk.
Oh yeah.
Or...
What the fuck are you doing?!
Being a member of the Vclub, I understands it makes me ineligible to participate in certain conversation topics (and trust me, I don't mind. AT ALL). I also understand there will be certain topics in which I'll be completely alone (like the whole YOU'RE STILL A FUCKING VIRGIN?! fact. Just a minor detail, if you ask me).
However, I do believe there's a universal sex etiquette that must be followed.
It's quite fucking simple:
1. In conversation, it's ok to get in depth about your sexual exploits... but with one or two... sometimes even three of your closest friends.
DON'T tell every motherfucking person you meet. Not everyone is as excited to hear every last detail of your sexual encounters.
2. Details should be kept to a minimum.
He has an 11-inch penis?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Ok. This one is worth mentioning.
His penis bends to the left? Not ok. WHY do I want to be able to envision what your guy's penis looks like? Unless this little detail plays a weird, yet amazing role in the sensation or procedure... I would rather you keep that between you and your guy... and that one close friend of yours.
3. Never ever EVER show me a photo of your man's dick. EVER.
I don't care if you're super proud of how well endowed he is... I don't care if it's "cute"... shit, I wouldn't care if it could talk. There is NO reason for you to let me know your man that intimately. YOU'RE the one fucking him, not me. Yes, I was supposed to go to med school... and I have seen plenty of photos of diseased penises through the course of my school years (I'm sure it has something to do with my reluctance to get near one. It's just... the images are BURNED in my brain. Why would guys let their little man get THAT bad?)... and I was traumatized enough to memorize a good number of those diseases... ok, to memorize ALL of the diseases... but that doesn't mean I'm qualified to diagnose. If you were to suspect your man of having some sort of STD or whatever, GO TO THE REAL DOCTOR. I'll just tell you what should be common knowledge: if it's leakin' shit that ain't cum... go to the doctor. And get that fucking photo off your phone! Blackmail starts off that way, jackass.
Alright, I mention this because recently, Twiggy has really gotten out of control in her sex talk.
First, she would tell everything, absolutely EVERYTHING to my sis.
I'd sometimes listen because I'd be unlucky enough to walk in on their conversation.
I know Twiggy's man's dick size.
I know what he likes her to do with her mouth and hands when she's giving him head.
And now, I even know what his penis looks like. No, I KNOW what it looks like. She showed us a photo he sexted her (really, man... you're going to show me your sexts?).
How did she sneak that photo into my field of view?
We were talking about the difference between the uncircumcised and circumcised penis.
Since my sister isn't too read up on the subject, being that she
1. is the president of the Vclub as well as the chief of police of said club,
2. has always hated science. She opted for Rocks for Jocks when it came to her required semester of science class for her business degree. There was little chance for her to bump into the diseased penis photos
she was unable to give a clear example.
I was next in line, so they went ahead and asked me for information (why can't girls just google their damn questions?!).
She wasn't understanding me... or at least that's what I tell myself in order to justify her next action... so she whipped out her phone while saying
"Oh!!! SO like... this ISN'T?"
Bam. I'm officially unable to look at her boyfriend from now on without envisioning his uncircumcised (but enormous) penis.
Me: What the fuck, Twiggy?! That's not cool! Does he know you're going around showing other girls what his penis looks like?!
Twiggy: I just want to know if his penis is normal... and what the big deal is with circumcised penises.
Me: Goddamn, Twiggy... my fucking eyes.
So um... yeah... please just follow the guidelines... and we'll be cool.
... showing me a photo of your boyfriends penis... what the fuck is wrong with you?
Oh yeah.
Or...
What the fuck are you doing?!
Being a member of the Vclub, I understands it makes me ineligible to participate in certain conversation topics (and trust me, I don't mind. AT ALL). I also understand there will be certain topics in which I'll be completely alone (like the whole YOU'RE STILL A FUCKING VIRGIN?! fact. Just a minor detail, if you ask me).
However, I do believe there's a universal sex etiquette that must be followed.
It's quite fucking simple:
1. In conversation, it's ok to get in depth about your sexual exploits... but with one or two... sometimes even three of your closest friends.
DON'T tell every motherfucking person you meet. Not everyone is as excited to hear every last detail of your sexual encounters.
2. Details should be kept to a minimum.
He has an 11-inch penis?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Ok. This one is worth mentioning.
His penis bends to the left? Not ok. WHY do I want to be able to envision what your guy's penis looks like? Unless this little detail plays a weird, yet amazing role in the sensation or procedure... I would rather you keep that between you and your guy... and that one close friend of yours.
3. Never ever EVER show me a photo of your man's dick. EVER.
I don't care if you're super proud of how well endowed he is... I don't care if it's "cute"... shit, I wouldn't care if it could talk. There is NO reason for you to let me know your man that intimately. YOU'RE the one fucking him, not me. Yes, I was supposed to go to med school... and I have seen plenty of photos of diseased penises through the course of my school years (I'm sure it has something to do with my reluctance to get near one. It's just... the images are BURNED in my brain. Why would guys let their little man get THAT bad?)... and I was traumatized enough to memorize a good number of those diseases... ok, to memorize ALL of the diseases... but that doesn't mean I'm qualified to diagnose. If you were to suspect your man of having some sort of STD or whatever, GO TO THE REAL DOCTOR. I'll just tell you what should be common knowledge: if it's leakin' shit that ain't cum... go to the doctor. And get that fucking photo off your phone! Blackmail starts off that way, jackass.
Alright, I mention this because recently, Twiggy has really gotten out of control in her sex talk.
First, she would tell everything, absolutely EVERYTHING to my sis.
I'd sometimes listen because I'd be unlucky enough to walk in on their conversation.
I know Twiggy's man's dick size.
I know what he likes her to do with her mouth and hands when she's giving him head.
And now, I even know what his penis looks like. No, I KNOW what it looks like. She showed us a photo he sexted her (really, man... you're going to show me your sexts?).
How did she sneak that photo into my field of view?
We were talking about the difference between the uncircumcised and circumcised penis.
Since my sister isn't too read up on the subject, being that she
1. is the president of the Vclub as well as the chief of police of said club,
2. has always hated science. She opted for Rocks for Jocks when it came to her required semester of science class for her business degree. There was little chance for her to bump into the diseased penis photos
she was unable to give a clear example.
I was next in line, so they went ahead and asked me for information (why can't girls just google their damn questions?!).
She wasn't understanding me... or at least that's what I tell myself in order to justify her next action... so she whipped out her phone while saying
"Oh!!! SO like... this ISN'T?"
Bam. I'm officially unable to look at her boyfriend from now on without envisioning his uncircumcised (but enormous) penis.
Me: What the fuck, Twiggy?! That's not cool! Does he know you're going around showing other girls what his penis looks like?!
Twiggy: I just want to know if his penis is normal... and what the big deal is with circumcised penises.
Me: Goddamn, Twiggy... my fucking eyes.
So um... yeah... please just follow the guidelines... and we'll be cool.
... showing me a photo of your boyfriends penis... what the fuck is wrong with you?
And this is clearly not something I should be thinking about at this time of the night, but here you have me... doing just that.
Way to ruin my peace, asshole.
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