Anger

I was robbed of a good entry.

I'm pissed now.

I lose my appetite when angry... I lose my thoughts while angry... I lose everything.

I do, however, gain a giant headache... so BRAVO! Gracias.

So, instead of making this the pleasant, lighthearted entry I had planned, I'll just write about what's currently overpowering my system: Anger.

Honest to God, I'm a nice, peaceful, downright submissive girl. I really am. I am as calm as they come. I brush things off my shoulder more often than not. I shrug shit off.
But I have this really mean streak, where once I'm pushed to the edge, I just fucking lose it. I let my anger get the best of me... and it consumes me.
It'd be a fallacy to say I "don't know why" I let my "angry" go so Hulk... because I absolutely know why that occurs. I turn into a vicious animal because I let my anger build.
I let offense after offense, slight after slight, tease after tease, word after word build for days, sometimes months... and then, when I finally have my damn fill and can't contain myself, I damn near die from the bile I've collected.
I try so hard to be pleasant and keep others from feeling bad, that I wind up tolerating WAY more than I obviously should.
And still, I tend to (fuck, this goddamn headache is only getting worse. My left eye is pounding) ONLY vent in writing. I don't go up to the jackass (who managed to piss me off to tears) and tell him/her exactly what I think about him/her.

I would get physical back in my very early years. I was the sweet, respectful little girl who'd listen to the teasing quietly... but once I'd have enough, I'd go straight to the punches. I mean, I did this since I was three.
It's so weird, even I would sit there and wonder "Why... am I elbowing this girl, again? What am I getting out of this?" mid-fight (I wouldn't stop though. I never stopped. The bitch would have to cry and someone would have to pull me off her. Every. Single. Time). I don't get a particular joy out of it... in fact, I often find myself crying in the middle of the fight, even when I'm winning (very a la Ralphie on "A Christmas Story")... not that I've lost. I won every single fight I was in (not considering that one year in 4th grade, because I never swung back. I'd just sit there and take the abuse... but that's a story I'd rather not get into).
But I hear a lot of professional fighters have this issue as well. In their private lives, they tend to be timid, kind people, but in the ring they show no mercy.
Sounds kind of cool... but it's ugly. And sad.

Now, in my "I can't get into a physical altercation 'cause I'll go to jail" years, I've taken to internalizing everything (one again, there was that incident where I fist-fought my brother my junior year of college). I try my hardest not to have a violent outburst, refraining from even screaming... but I don't always win those.

"Take deep breaths," "Count to ten," "Do yoga," "Visit your happy place." 
People should really say "Punch a wall!" "Take up boxing" "Go for a run" "Break a mirror" "Break some concrete" "Throw rocks!" "Go to a batting cage" "Go to a deserted area and scream at the top of your lungs." Now that I find relieving.

I need to quit being so damn polite, that's what I need to do. It seems people really zero-in on those who purposely avoid conflicts. They keep instigating, testing limits.

I think I'm rambling now. My head isn't getting any better... although the heaviness in my chest is dissipating.

So, to end, I do sincerely apologize for all my ranting and the anger I always seem to possess. It's an ugly trait... but regardless of how hard I try to smother it, it just doesn't go away.
I'm so, so sorry.