Once again, a decent entry has been foiled by my sibling pissing me off.
Wooooooo!
I'm going to try to steer away from the anger by mentioning a story that made me laugh pretty hard today:
I asked Mom if she was ready for her cruise. I'm taking her to the airport Thursday night, so I was expecting her to say "yes..." But no, she's not ready (needless to say, my procrastination prowess comes from this little lady).
Me: Do you even know your itinerary?
Mom: No. Your dad lost it.
Me: That man...
Mom: He took it to work and left it there... now we can't find it.
Me: So now you don't know jack shit of what's going to be happening during the cruise?
Mom: Nope.
Me: God... my dad... I don't know how you've been married for so long. I would have divorced him after two years, max. No, no... I would have asked for an annulment within hours of the actual wedding.
Mom: And that's you not even knowing what happened during the honeymoon...
Me: EWWW! I don't need to know that shit!
Mom: No, not that. While we were on our honeymoon in Mexico City, we were in the Zona Rosa... it was all artsy... with shopping... and street artists. A group of us were being entertained by a mime... and as part of the act, he made an origami rose and handed it to me. I took it, smiled, and I was going to give him some change... but instead your father grabbed the rose and tossed it back at him!
Me:... what an animal. That would have been the end of my marriage. The end!
Mom: Ah! I didn't take it that bad. I had heard plenty of honeymoon horror stories from friends and family to be shaken by this. I got off easy.
Me: Horror stories? What the hell? WHY would anyone get married knowing there are "HORROR STORIES?!"
Mom: Well, not "horror stories" but they were... messed up stories. Like your aunt's story.
(Mom starts laughing)
Mom: She was on her honeymoon, sitting in a park with your uncle... and he bought an apple (she starts laughing harder now)... and he didn't get her one. He didn't even offer her a bite. She told me she just sat there, seeing if he was going to buy her one... or offer some of his to her... I mean, it was a FUCKING APPLE! They cost cents! But no, she says he just sat there, leaned AWAY from her... like a dog with a bone... trying to hide the apple, and slyly tried taking bites without her noticing. All she could think was "I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU CHOMPING AWAY AT THAT FUCKING APPLE, ASSHOLE!"
Me: Oh man!! And she loves to eat! I can only imagine how pissed she must have been! HAHAHAHAHA! Tio took that Adam and Eve story WAY too literal. HAHAHA!
With stories like these, Mom just keeps encouraging me to get married. I can't wait to see what barbaric, ridiculously retarded shit my husband can do to me. Right.
It did make me laugh, though. The mental image had me laughing until I cried.
That's always appreciated.
Which reminds me, still keeping in tune with the "guys can be fucking retarded" topic: WHY would you (seriously) tell me you jackoff to my photo? Am I... supposed to be honored? Excited? Happy? Well, I'm not. This only makes me realize how SLOW you are... considering there are SO many beautiful women out there you could beat your meat to. Me? Jesus Christ, quit being lazy and google Sofia Vergara or something... dumbass. WHY do I attract these guys? Is it the flag? Is there some sort of flag fetish I'm not aware of? And just look at my teeth... I'm a fucking horse, man! It's like jacking off to Julia Roberts... people jack off to Julia Roberts? Such horrible taste, son. (this is exactly what goes on in my head. This would be my "flow" if I were a rapper... hence why I stick to... drawing?)
Ok, end rant. Goodnight.
Wooooooo!
I'm going to try to steer away from the anger by mentioning a story that made me laugh pretty hard today:
I asked Mom if she was ready for her cruise. I'm taking her to the airport Thursday night, so I was expecting her to say "yes..." But no, she's not ready (needless to say, my procrastination prowess comes from this little lady).
Me: Do you even know your itinerary?
Mom: No. Your dad lost it.
Me: That man...
Mom: He took it to work and left it there... now we can't find it.
Me: So now you don't know jack shit of what's going to be happening during the cruise?
Mom: Nope.
Me: God... my dad... I don't know how you've been married for so long. I would have divorced him after two years, max. No, no... I would have asked for an annulment within hours of the actual wedding.
Mom: And that's you not even knowing what happened during the honeymoon...
Me: EWWW! I don't need to know that shit!
Mom: No, not that. While we were on our honeymoon in Mexico City, we were in the Zona Rosa... it was all artsy... with shopping... and street artists. A group of us were being entertained by a mime... and as part of the act, he made an origami rose and handed it to me. I took it, smiled, and I was going to give him some change... but instead your father grabbed the rose and tossed it back at him!
Me:... what an animal. That would have been the end of my marriage. The end!
Mom: Ah! I didn't take it that bad. I had heard plenty of honeymoon horror stories from friends and family to be shaken by this. I got off easy.
Me: Horror stories? What the hell? WHY would anyone get married knowing there are "HORROR STORIES?!"
Mom: Well, not "horror stories" but they were... messed up stories. Like your aunt's story.
(Mom starts laughing)
Mom: She was on her honeymoon, sitting in a park with your uncle... and he bought an apple (she starts laughing harder now)... and he didn't get her one. He didn't even offer her a bite. She told me she just sat there, seeing if he was going to buy her one... or offer some of his to her... I mean, it was a FUCKING APPLE! They cost cents! But no, she says he just sat there, leaned AWAY from her... like a dog with a bone... trying to hide the apple, and slyly tried taking bites without her noticing. All she could think was "I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU CHOMPING AWAY AT THAT FUCKING APPLE, ASSHOLE!"
Me: Oh man!! And she loves to eat! I can only imagine how pissed she must have been! HAHAHAHAHA! Tio took that Adam and Eve story WAY too literal. HAHAHA!
With stories like these, Mom just keeps encouraging me to get married. I can't wait to see what barbaric, ridiculously retarded shit my husband can do to me. Right.
It did make me laugh, though. The mental image had me laughing until I cried.
That's always appreciated.
Which reminds me, still keeping in tune with the "guys can be fucking retarded" topic: WHY would you (seriously) tell me you jackoff to my photo? Am I... supposed to be honored? Excited? Happy? Well, I'm not. This only makes me realize how SLOW you are... considering there are SO many beautiful women out there you could beat your meat to. Me? Jesus Christ, quit being lazy and google Sofia Vergara or something... dumbass. WHY do I attract these guys? Is it the flag? Is there some sort of flag fetish I'm not aware of? And just look at my teeth... I'm a fucking horse, man! It's like jacking off to Julia Roberts... people jack off to Julia Roberts? Such horrible taste, son. (this is exactly what goes on in my head. This would be my "flow" if I were a rapper... hence why I stick to... drawing?)
Ok, end rant. Goodnight.
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