Chart me

Since I suck at explaining who I am, I'll let this Natal Chart thing-a-ma-bob speak for me (some side commentary if I feel like it). It's kind of right... which is SCARY.

-She is compassionate and sentimental. She likes isolated occupations: administration, archives, history. Spirit of self-sacrifice. (Yes. I like ISOLATION. And I'm self-sacrificing to a RETARDED degree)
-Influenced by the family, especially the mother. Proud, self-confident, she has faith in her future and is ambitious. (if you met my mother, you'd understand)
-She is intelligent and knows what she wants. Is a good organizer, she likes moving, travel. She likes literature. (I like literature as much as I like toothaches)
-She is aware of the goal to be achieved. She is strong, and always picks herself up after a setback. (I may grovel for a second, but I get over it. As for my strength, I was pretty much built to be able to wrestle water buffalo with my bare hands... although... water buffalo aren't indigenous to Mexico. I can also stiff arm like Marshawn Lynch)
-She is likable and sociable. Very sensitive to environmental conditions and surroundings. She likes home, habits, comfort and her little world. (I AM NOT sociable OR likable. Strangers have a tendency to dislike me for NO reason)
-Weaknesses: subject to family circle, indolence, inertia. She is impressionable and too sensitive.
-She has a tendency to bad dreams. Is interested in the occult. (and I subject anyone who will listen to my horrific dreams)
-She lacks firmness, she is weak and lazy. She likes to live in a dream, in the imaginary. (YOUR MOM is weak and lazy, biiiitch!)
-She wavers between a rich and successful love life and social success. She has difficulty in succeeding in both. (BINGO!)
-Weaknesses: melancholy, gullibility. Tendency to illusions, fears and apprehensiveness. (I am the QUEEN of gullibility)
-Brief passions. Bursts of friendship or embracing of causes that cannot be justified or which turn out not to be what they promised at the start. Becomes drunk with love or passion.  ("Becomes drunk with love or passion?" HAHAHAHA! Riiight.)
-Independent in love. Her love life is rich, but with passing love affairs. She tires quickly and is scared of losing her liberty. If she marries, she will regret it. She has that little something that attracts the opposite sex: she likes amorous adventures, she is romantic. She is the eternal lover and, of course, is unfaithful if she has a serious relationship. She likes art, anything new. (WTF?! I'm unfaithful? Who the fuck wrote this? They're getting stabbed)
-She is aggressive, offensive, impulsive, provoking. She is bold and adventurous. (In case my previous stabbing comment didn't convey this enough)
-Weaknesses: aggressiveness, boldness that can lead to violence, or to an accident, but certainly leads to problems. (kickboxing story, anyone? I blame being raised with such a violent older brother and Mom's very physical approach to parenting for this. But I will say this: I never instigate the violence)
-Spontaneous nature. She likes games, sometimes even violent sports. (ok, ok, I'm violent. Quit harping on that shit)
-Ambivalent feelings, generous, philanthropic. She is tolerant and indulgent.
-She has good judgement, a sense of values, an open and optimistic mind, a good education and high moral standards. She likes studying. Her professional work is a vocation and plays a great part in her life.
-She is methodical, patient, distrustful, polite. She speaks little and does not waste energy unnecessarily. She has a good memory and sense of organization, likes to do things well. She is never slapdash and has a sense of responsibility. (MONEY! Spot on)
-Observant, self-controlled, unforgiving, tough, methodical, a researcher, an investigator. Lots of courage, self-assurance and can keep her cool. (I forgive, but I don't forget. And I do keep my cool... until someone hits me for the fourth time and I just have to strike back)
-She is serious, sober, thoughtful, pays attention to detail. She likes to be with older people. (I don't mind older company. They have a tendency to dig me, and I dig right back)
-She is shy, delicate but proud, bold and lively. (initially shy and all that junk, then after a bit I get all annoying and whatnot)
-She is discerning, wise and sensible. (eh... I guess)
-Nothing is left to chance, everything is calculated, dissected slowly and methodically, twice rather than once, in peace and quiet by herself. She is introverted, and doesn't speak about her plans until they are underway. (Could not have said it better myself. Ever since elementary school, one of my biggest pet peeves is getting asked about my future plans-- those stupid assignments asking me what I planned on doing over break would always exasperate me and lead me to ask "What's it to you? It's none of your business." I'd rather get pistol whipped than go on about my plans. I keep those babies under lock and key... or on my blog)
-With lofty feelings, she is full of tenderness, sentimentality. Things do not always go her way. (hence why I detest talking about my plans with others. I hate being pitied when things don't go how I plan. Nothing feels worse than the pity of others. Nothing.)
-A meeting with a person who is either not free (WHAAAAT?!), too young or from a different family or social background means that living together will be done in the utmost secrecy while waiting for the chance to legalize the situation quietly, without any trouble. This state of affairs will make her melancholy (no shit?). A lovely little family will result from this union. (What. The. Fuck? I'm going to be a... home-wrecker? A pedophile? What the hell?!)
-Marries for love but also well financially. A peaceful union even if exchange of ideas isn't always smooth. (i.e. I will call my husband a "motherfucker" at least ONCE in our relationship. That's a given.)
-If she is a writer, a painter or involved in another of the Arts, and if fame doesn't come when living, then it will come posthumously. (well... that's comforting... NOT)
-Take care of the lungs - if a smoker, then it is advisable to stop. (I've ALWAYS been paranoid about my lungs... one of the reasons I chew out people who smoke around me)
-All the leadership qualities are there: authority, sense of organization, initiative, intelligence, but also thanks to outside help. She is a fighter. (Christina Aguilera told me so)
-Discussing ideas is not her cup of tea. Her knowledge is the result of study but also of the down-to-earth nature that characterizes her. (Yep)
-Marriage doesn't bring luck, honors come as she imagined they might. (What the fuck does this mean?)

They should have just summed it all up like this:
You're emotional, sensitive, and VIOLENT. Oh yeah, you TOTALLY shouldn't get married... avoid that shit... it'll fuck you up.