Well, turns out the mystery behind his "AWKWARD!" outburst can now be explained.
The day of the wedding, OG was walking with my cousin when I *tried* being cordial/polite.
I did notice they spent the night canoodling at the table next to me (to make shit more "AWKWARD!"), and thought "Oh, they haven't seen each other in a couple of years... maybe they're just catching up."
Plus, no one else was giving OG the time of day... not even when he was cutting people in line for the buffet-style dinner (sweet baby Jesus, if I ever go to another wedding with that shit, I'm walking out. FUCK. THAT. SHIT).
Anyway... obviously I'm FB friends with the girl he was canoodling with (she's the cousin with all the bad tattoos... the one who LOVES gossip), since we're related and all (but I'm not friends with OG... I will transversely stab my trachea with a screwdriver before I befriend that moron).
WELL, this cousin recently went to Hawaii... so of course, I was interested in the photos.
I went through all 200.
Everything was fine and dandy, with me commenting the photos I liked and all that shit... an overall pleasant experience, until I reached the very last photo:
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| uh-oh... now you know his name starts with an I... the same name as a certain "terrible" of history. |
And I saw OG was tagged.
No way....
I went to her "info" part... and sure enough... they are officially an item on FB.
You precious little bastard! You think I liked you, and that's why our exchange at the wedding was "AWKWARD!"? That's almost cute! HAHAHAHAHA!
First off, YOU were the one trying to hook up with my sister, then me... then finally, two years later, you managed to nab my much more love-starved cousin. Give me a break, bro! HAHAHA!
Second:
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| Quite "terrible" if you ask me. |
I thought that facial hair style was only appropriate on a swashbuckling pirate... or musketeer... or a pizzeria baker.
And while I'm all for guys grooming their eyebrows... you take that shit to another level. Your eyebrows are far more groomed than my own, I doubt I can keep up.
And pasty white... well... I'm not really... I don't... it doesn't... look, I once read Wuthering Heights...
Third:
I probably would date a pirate, musketeer, pizzeria baker, or Powder-look-alike... as long as he showed some sign of intelligence... or wit... or even sarcasm, for fucks sake! You have the personality of a goldfish. You get lost in your own reflection, Sexy. I can't handle that... because I get the urge to punch you back to reality... and who likes an angry AnoMALIE?
Last:
If by me alluding to you being gay gave you the impression that I actually wanted you... I apologize. I always thought guys hated that shit... even hating any girl who ever dropped such hints in their presence... but apparently I was wrong. I'm so sorry. I can see where the miscommunication could have occurred... with reverse psychology and all that shit.
I just assumed the six feet of distance I maintained between our bodies would aid in the point I was trying to make: I would rather contract malaria than get my lips anywhere near yours. I would rather touch a hot stove than accidentally bump my hand into yours.
I guess I didn't try hard enough to get my point across... and I totally deserved that wanna-be dis at my cousin's wedding in front of all the guys at the bar. Well played.
But with some effort, I will survive, Casanova.
Yes... I am a little upset over you no longer being available... and the fact that I'm going to have to continue seeing you at family gatherings-- it's going to tug at my heart, and tears will forever sting my eyes (I wanted you to be the father of my babies. I've been saving my cookie-box just for you!)-- but I will be ok.
I'll just try and avoid reading the continuous status updates, similar to this one (courtesy of your now girlfriend) to avoid any further pain:
Hmm I wanna go buy some cute boots and a lil somethin somethin for someone special! ;)
(I'll spare you the photograph)
Why lie? I'm going to mourn this shit more than the MGH-AnoMALIE disintegration.... I mean, you DO have better teeth and all.
And you will absolutely dethrone Darcy from his spot in my heart... because... he could never gossip in Spanish about Mexican novelas quite like you. I will now burn the candle for you, and only you, my Alabaster Re... Rey.
WHY, OBNOXIOUS GUY?! WHY?!
Excuse me, I'm gonna go cut myself now.
Suck my balls, OG.
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